It's not them, it's me. πŸ˜”

posted 3 years ago in Dress
Post # 2
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

Im almost the same age (i prefer to say mid 40s … LOL) and I one million percent understand and feel exactly the same. I feel so … odd. I don’t know I cant really even put it into words, that’s why I know exactly what you’re talking about! They look beautiful on me, but I just feel “off”, they’re just not me. I know its totally ME, my personal issues about my age. I believe it’s because I am not “25” and I personally am VERY conscious of the fact that Im not 25. I know a lot of women will come in here in their 30’s or maybe even 40’s and say “who cares, Im rocking a ballgown at 35!!” or see you in it and GUSH about how you look in it, and that’s great for them, I wish I could, but this is MY issue, *I* feel something ‘off’ and I cant change how I feel no matter how many other 40 year olds I see in wedding gowns. Its just something off with how I feel in them. I do feel that I need to mention that this is my second marriage and I had a traditional wedding the first time and I kind of had the same issue then as well and I was in my 20s and chose a raw silk gown with zero lace or embellishments, it was the simplest thing you could get, just very simple and elegant and I never loved it. I hated everything else so this was ok, and then THREE days before my wedding I literally had a seamstress rip the whole dress apart, majorly beyond belief alter the whole thing into a completely different dress and then I actually liked it.

I LOVE wedding dresses SO MUCH and love looking at them and love them on other women, just when I put them on, I hate how I look (and I like my body, I don’t have image issues). I feel like Im rambling but its just because I “get” what you’re saying and can relate!  

What “type” of dresses have you chosen? Is there a style of “regular” gown you love that suits you better? I am choosing either an evening gown, or a very simple plain sheath type not a  “traditional” wedding dress and it will be pale blue, I plan on dying it even if its white. Is it the “white” throwing you off? Is it something that makes you feel not ‘you’ that you could change with accessories? Is it not liking your body? Is it possible to alter the dresses to make them work?

Post # 3
Member
9019 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Hi Bee, Wow – so four dresses. Do you have photos of you in them? Maybe we could help you settle on one? Do you have a date booked for the wedding? 

Post # 4
Member
11389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
Shesaidyes : It sounds like you have a lot of hopes and expectations caught up around the dress, and that might be why you bought a dress you didn’t even like but you were with your good friend, and that is a memory in the making. 

You also got a beautiful dress today that you say is everything. Have you tried it in with a veil and a little bouquet? 

I don’t know you, obviously, but I think you might need to give yourself a break and give yourself some space to just let things settle. Sometimes when things get overwhelming, it’s hard to feel in the moment. 

The most important thing is that the dress does not represent the dream. The dream is the partner who adds to your life and supports you. If you have that, you did this and you’re a bride and it doesn’t matter what you wear. Truly. Even though there’s a lot of pressure put on women about the dress.

Do you want to post pics of the dress that came today? 

Post # 6
Member
574 posts
Busy bee

Hi bee, πŸ™‚

It sounds like, to me, that you have this idea in your head that you are somehow less of a bride because of your age. It also sounds like this is something that you have thought about for awhile and now that it is here, you are a bit anxious that it lives up to everything you dreamt it would be.

 

I can relate, in a different way. I was homeschooled my entire life (preschool – high school) and then 2-years living at home while going to community college. When the time finally came to move into an apartment and go to university, I was so excited. I imagined that my roommates and I would turn into great friends for life, that we would hang out and study together, ect. Then the first day we got there, my parents got me set up in my room, left, and my roommates all left too. They already had friends at the university and even though we were the same age, homeschooling left me a lot “younger” than they were.

 

I think the biggest thing, is to realize that not everyone’s life experiences are going to be the same, but that doesn’t mean they are any less special / valid. Some people will probably suggest counseling, and if you can, that is a great option – it was for me! If for whatever reason, that doesn’t work for you right now, I suggest you do some activities to help yourself enjoy you bridal experience. Notice how I worded that, “enjoy your bridal experience.” Our self-talk is very powerful. Don’t frame this as “How I can feel more like a bride.” You ARE a bride.

 

So, enjoy your bridal experience! One activity might be have a spa day with your friends (or even by yourself). This can be a home spa day too! Maybe one is have engagement photos taken. Maybe one is writing a letter to your future husband every day until the wedding. Ect. Whatever makes sense to you! Then, you will have all these things to look forward to leading up to the wedding. It will also help you not to be so emotionally invested in the day of the wedding itself, that any little thing that comes up on the day of feels heartbreaking. Place your emotional eggs in more than one basket!

 

Remind yourself that you are a bride. Even if you cannot feel it right away, if you keep up with it, you will with time. The saying goes, “You are what you eat.” Most people think of this in term of food. Maybe some people in terms of having positive people in their life. Ect. But, it is also in terms of the self-thoughts you feed yourself everyday. Don’t keep feeding into, “I am not bridal because of X, Y, and Z.” If a thought comes up, refute it. “I am a bride because of X, Y, and Z.” It is VERY tedious at first, but after a while, you won’t have as many negative thoughts to refute (if at all).

 

Congratulations, bee!!!

Post # 9
Member
11389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
Shesaidyes :  you are a bride because YOU ARE ONE. Marriage looks all kinds of ways, in spite of what you see in advertisements. People of all shapes, colors, ages, sexes etc get married. It’s real. It’s more real than advertisements. 

Yes, you’re under a lot of pressure- getting what you want can be quite a letdown or at least we can fear that letdown so much that we don’t feel the joy of the moment. Don’t let that happen to you. Carve out quiet time just for you to sift through all of the amazing things happening for you right now. You deserve it all and you are exactly what a bride looks like. 

 

Post # 10
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

That stress of only having ‘one chance’ is a horrible burden.

I’m in my 40s as well. When I started pushing 40, I questioned my outfits all the time. My OCD didnt help.  I think it finally just got to exhausting so I stopped caring so much.

I understand not wanting to show pictures on line, that can be scary. Would you consider showing the dresses on the hanger? I know it’s not the same as when you wear it, but maybe we can help narrow it down this way if you’d like. 

Mostly, I really think you need to please stop buying dresses! I’d take a look and consider which is most  appropriate for you venue and style of wedding, that may rule 1 or more of them out. Have you tried them all one with veils? Do some make you feel more like a bride?

There’s always ‘einy meanie miney moe’ I’ve made decisions on more than one outfit that way. If the one that wins you feel bad about wearing, eliminate it.  When I once couldn’t find decide on a prom dress I just narrowed it down to two and let my brother decide.

If nothing else, Wear the dress you feel most comfortable in. You are likely to spend many hours in your dress and the more comfortable you are, the more fun you will have! If you feel bad about having so many dresses, wear them for some pictures later on, that can do a lot for making you feel better. If you want to hear some of my frustrating stories and what worked for me, feel free to send me a note directly. Might help.

Post # 11
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
Shesaidyes :  I can feel too exposed on strapless as well, but my husband loves me in them. I wear some sort of jacket, then once I get comfortable I take it off. Have you considered a Jacket?

Post # 12
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

I’m in a similar place- 40’s, eloping, first marriage. I’ve ordered tons of dresses that are beautiful, and get that rush when trying them on but they don’t feel “right” and I return them. I worry too that none will feel right. 

I think initially I was making choices for 25 year old me. I love the soft flowy tulle but those dresses felt weird on me. Older me looks and feels better in different styles so I’m letting go of that image. Now I am trying to piece together what neckline I like, what hemline, where the waist hits best etc..

Ultimately though I am just going to pick a dress that is comfortable and that I feel pretty in and let go of needing the “perfect” feeling. We just want to be married and skip the fuss which is why we’re eloping in the first place. 

This article helped me rethink the pressure of selecting a dress

There is no THE DRESS: get over the fantasy and avoid wedding dress regret

Post # 13
Member
7071 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

CONGRATULATIONS on your upcoming wedding and home and so many of your dreams coming through in your life at once. It can be overwhelming to receive so many blessings in a consistently open and abundant way. Something that I’ve thought of at those times in my life is to think of myself like a sponge- I breathe and take in as much as I can and then I have to pause- a sponge can only hold so much at once. Then I breathe and take in more when I’ve adapted a bit.

Another lesson I learned, from my time doing public ritual and performances- it doesn’t have to LOOK perfect or match what’s in my mind. I just have to feel the feelings and be present for what is happening right now- whatever is happening IS the perfect thing because I’ve done the work to get here and now I’m appreciating the entirety of the journey, not fixating on every single little specific detail. So, for my wedding, I thought about the look I wanted but I primarily focused on how I wanted to FEEL and how I was hoping for others to feel as guests, and when I’d get overwhelmed with all the choices, I’d reconnect to that clarity of feeling and then choose the option that most closely aligned with it. Ultimately, there were elements of our wedding that looked exactly as I’d imagined. Most of it, though, looked NOTHING like I’d ever imagined. But the FEELING of the day was a perfect match.

I think you should take some time and just consider how you want to feel on your wedding day. How do you want to feel when you walk down the aisle? When your groom sees you for the first time? When you’re celebrating with your guests? How do you want to feel when you look back on the day? And hold it lightly- this isn’t the most important day of your life that holds omens for your future if it doesn’t go perfectly. It’s a beautiful gathering with friends/family/loved ones where you get to celebrate love (in general) and your love (specifically) and all the work the two of you have done to get here. It’s a joyful gathering and ritual or whatever meaning it holds for you and your Fiance. So what does that feel like for you and what dress most closely matches that?

Last thing- what kind of dresses do you like to wear, in general? What parts of your body do you like to highlight or bring focus to? I was fortunate to be able to design my dress with my mother and the first thing I told her was that I wanted to emphasize my strong shoulders and back as well as my amazing ass πŸ˜‰ . So what do you want to celebrate/emphasize on your body with your dress? Do any of your current dresses do that?

I agree with the PP who invited you to post pictures of yourself in your dresses- the women here can give some really amazing feedback to stear you toward a look that will celebrate you and your beauty for your special day.

Congratulations again!

Post # 14
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
Shesaidyes :  I ended up having a royal blue gown custom made. I could not see myself getting married in a traditional dress! May be something to consider…go out there and try different gowns that are not traditional!

Post # 15
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

Do you own and have 4 dresses, or have you ordered and returned 4?

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