- 8 years ago
I’ve been on the Waiting list for quite some time, but am posting under a different username for the moment.
I recently received some pretty big news. My SO of almost 6 years is trying to be supportive, but we’ve had some difficulties over the past couple weeks with all that’s gone on [we live together]. I know it’s partially due to what’s been happening with me healthwise, the fact that I’ve been off work and what not but it’s been trying to say the least. It’d be nice to have a little more loving support from him.
I’m not sure if I was being too sensitive, I know hypersensitivity IS actually a symptom of my condition, but I’ll give you an example of what happened last week. I was in a terrible state. This is when I first started my sick leave, but before my official diagnosis. For the first time in my life, I had to admit I could not handle going to work. As I’m sure you can imagine, this alone, but also on top of what was going on with my condition… was really hard to deal with.
So. I was put on what was to be my second [failed] medication. I didn’t do well with this, was just feeling miserable when you combined everything together. At one point during the day, my SO and I were texting and he made a comment about how I have to keep in mind that all of this affects him too, that he’s been super stressed out. Which I totally understand. I know it’s stressful on both of us. A little while later, my SO asked if I minded him going out for a drink with one of his buddies. I didn’t mind and told him so. I haven’t met this friend of his, but my SO told me about how this guy is always cheating on his wife. Not too keen on that fact, but…oh well.
Normally whenever my SO goes out, I’ll usually hear from him at some point during the evening. And I mean every single time he goes out, regardless who he is with. Even if it’s just a little text asking what I’m up to. This time I didn’t hear from him for 8 hours. Eight hours. Normally I’m not the type to be upset about this kind of thing, however, with everything that had been going on with me, I would’ve thought he would at least checked to see how I was doing. It just seemed weird. Of all the times to forget, or just not think of it… it HAD to be right then. Anyway…
Fast forward a couple days later. He’s been kinda quiet, and has just seemed kinda distant. He keeps telling me he’s just stressed, but never really says why. I mention something about how it felt kinda weird I didn’t hear from him the other night, he replies that he didn’t realize he needed to “check in” with me. I’m sorry…. but I have never expected him to check in with me or anything of the sort. It just kinda hurt that I literally ALWAYS hear from him whenever he goes out, at his own doing. Then the one time I have some serious shit going on… nothing. He’s also never mentioned anything like ‘needing to check in’ to me before. He doesn’t usually talk like that.
Anyway so we get over all of that. There was a couple other things but I won’t get into those now. Basically, he just keeps asking me over and over to consider how HE is feeling through all of this. Over and over. That’s all I hear. He doesn’t even really respond to whatever I have to say about how I may be feeling or anything. Just right away, it’s that I should think about how he feels. It just feels kinda selfish to me.
So flash forward to yesterday. All of this health stuff has gotten me thinking. For example, if I’m hospitalized, he wouldn’t get to go in with me. We’re common law, but don’t have the same rights as married folks. I guess you could say what’s transpired over the last couple days has me re-evaluating life.
After not mentioning anything about getting engaged for a few months, I mentioned something to him yesterday about how I understand the time may not be great right now, but that at some point I’d love to sit and hear what he has to say about us moving forward someday. Not just saying what I want to hear, or agreeing with what I want, but I want to hear HIS opinion on the matter.
This whole time, he’s been saying he just isn’t ready. He doesn’t know why. Then it was that he wants to have a better job before we get engaged. He wants to be more settled. Then he gave me a rough timeline, which has since passed. He’s asked me to send him rings… nothing comes of it. He never talks about it unless I bring it up. Even then, it’s the same old conversation. Nothing concrete at all. I thought when he gave the timeline, it was the start of something. I was wrong. I’ve asked him multiple times if his reasons for not feeling ready have anything to do with me, anything I could do to help things. I’ve said he can tell me anything, I’d rather know. He’s always said no. Flat out, no. It’s all him, and his reasons have nothing to do with me.
So. I’m sure you’re wondering what his response was yesterday. He said that he wants us to move forward and that he thinks my treatment will help us do so. At first, I was happy with that response. But then I really thought about it. This whole time it’s always been that HE was the sole reason he isn’t ready to get engaged yet. It’s always been NOTHING to do with me.
Now, all of a sudden, my treatment has something to do with it? I’m sorry, what?! So really, it DOES have to do with me and possibly has had to do with me this whole entire time. Or at least that’s how it appears to me. Again, maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m losing it with everything that’s gone on lately.
It just really hurt. Felt like a major dig, and I also kinda felt like I was lied to. I just feel so annoyed, I almost want to go stay somewhere for the evening just to have some space, process everything that’s happened to me as of late, and think about what I want in life.
Sorry this is so long bees, I just really need to get that out. I’m just so… I don’t know.
How would you guys take that?