(Closed) It's not you, it's me….wait, no. It is you.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 1
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Hey Bees,

I’ve been on the Waiting list for quite some time, but am posting under a different username for the moment.

I recently received some pretty big news. My SO of almost 6 years is trying to be supportive, but we’ve had some difficulties over the past couple weeks with all that’s gone on [we live together]. I know it’s partially due to what’s been happening with me healthwise, the fact that I’ve been off work and what not but it’s been trying to say the least. It’d be nice to have a little more loving support from him.

I’m not sure if I was being too sensitive, I know hypersensitivity IS actually a symptom of my condition, but I’ll give you an example of what happened last week. I was in a terrible state. This is when I first started my sick leave, but before my official diagnosis. For the first time in my life, I had to admit I could not handle going to work. As I’m sure you can imagine, this alone, but also on top of what was going on with my condition… was really hard to deal with.

So. I was put on what was to be my second [failed] medication. I didn’t do well with this, was just feeling miserable when you combined everything together. At one point during the day, my SO and I were texting and he made a comment about how I have to keep in mind that all of this affects him too, that he’s been super stressed out. Which I totally understand. I know it’s stressful on both of us. A little while later, my SO asked if I minded him going out for a drink with one of his buddies. I didn’t mind and told him so. I haven’t met this friend of his, but my SO told me about how this guy is always cheating on his wife. Not too keen on that fact, but…oh well.

Normally whenever my SO goes out, I’ll usually hear from him at some point during the evening. And I mean every single time he goes out, regardless who he is with. Even if it’s just a little text asking what I’m up to. This time I didn’t hear from him for 8 hours. Eight hours. Normally I’m not the type to be upset about this kind of thing, however, with everything that had been going on with me, I would’ve thought he would at least checked to see how I was doing. It just seemed weird. Of all the times to forget, or just not think of it… it HAD to be right then. Anyway…

Fast forward a couple days later. He’s been kinda quiet, and has just seemed kinda distant. He keeps telling me he’s just stressed, but never really says why. I mention something about how it felt kinda weird I didn’t hear from him the other night, he replies that he didn’t realize he needed to “check in” with me. I’m sorry…. but I have never expected him to check in with me or anything of the sort. It just kinda hurt that I literally ALWAYS hear from him whenever he goes out, at his own doing. Then the one time I have some serious shit going on… nothing. He’s also never mentioned anything like ‘needing to check in’ to me before. He doesn’t usually talk like that.

Anyway so we get over all of that. There was a couple other things but I won’t get into those now. Basically, he just keeps asking me over and over to consider how HE is feeling through all of this. Over and over. That’s all I hear. He doesn’t even really respond to whatever I have to say about how I may be feeling or anything. Just right away, it’s that I should think about how he feels. It just feels kinda selfish to me.

So flash forward to yesterday. All of this health stuff has gotten me thinking. For example, if I’m hospitalized, he wouldn’t get to go in with me. We’re common law, but don’t have the same rights as married folks. I guess you could say what’s transpired over the last couple days has me re-evaluating life.

After not mentioning anything about getting engaged for a few months, I mentioned something to him yesterday about how I understand the time may not be great right now, but that at some point I’d love to sit and hear what he has to say about us moving forward someday. Not just saying what I want to hear, or agreeing with what I want, but I want to hear HIS opinion on the matter.

This whole time, he’s been saying he just isn’t ready. He doesn’t know why. Then it was that he wants to have a better job before we get engaged. He wants to be more settled. Then he gave me a rough timeline, which has since passed. He’s asked me to send him rings… nothing comes of it. He never talks about it unless I bring it up. Even then, it’s the same old conversation. Nothing concrete at all. I thought when he gave the timeline, it was the start of something. I was wrong. I’ve asked him multiple times if his reasons for not feeling ready have anything to do with me, anything I could do to help things. I’ve said he can tell me anything, I’d rather know. He’s always said no. Flat out, no. It’s all him, and his reasons have nothing to do with me.

So. I’m sure you’re wondering what his response was yesterday. He said that he wants us to move forward and that he thinks my treatment will help us do so. At first, I was happy with that response. But then I really thought about it. This whole time it’s always been that HE was the sole reason he isn’t ready to get engaged yet. It’s always been NOTHING to do with me.

Now, all of a sudden, my treatment has something to do with it? I’m sorry, what?! So really, it DOES have to do with me and possibly has had to do with me this whole entire time. Or at least that’s how it appears to me. Again, maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m losing it with everything that’s gone on lately.

It just really hurt. Felt like a major dig, and I also kinda felt like I was lied to. I just feel so annoyed, I almost want to go stay somewhere for the evening just to have some space, process everything that’s happened to me as of late, and think about what I want in life.

Sorry this is so long bees, I just really need to get that out. I’m just so… I don’t know.

How would you guys take that?

 

Post # 3
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think if you’ve been this hypersensitive throughout your relationship, then maybe that is part of why he’s been postponing.  If having a relationship with you has been difficult for him, which sounds likely he possibly couldn’t be open and honest and now hefeels like he can be due to your new treatment.

Constantly bringing up how tough this has been on him is sort of annoying but I’m wondering if he’s feeling relieved that his struggle is going to go away as yours does.

I would really choose my battles as best I could here.  His friend being married but a cheater, so what.  Him not calling, if you really dont care, don’t care.  Saying he doesn’t have to check in, not nice but not world ending.  Feeling lied to, possibly but maybe out of protecting you both from fighting and hurt feelings.

You might need to have an honest conversation in which he knows he can be honest without being punished.

Post # 4
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

There are so many things I could say but I’d end up writing a novel. I don’t have Bridal Party but I have plenty of other (diagnosed) mental health issues and I understand how hard it can be, especially when you feel like those issues are affecting your relationship and you start to question whether your partner can really handle everything.

I’d suggest asking your therapist if your SO can join you for a session or two. For starters, the therapist would be able to explain to your SO objectively what Bridal Party is, the symptoms, how they are manifesting/have manifested/could manifest in the future in you, and how the two of you, together, can try to manage things. You can explain your condition to your SO as much as you want, you can blame certain behaviors on your diagnosis as much as you want, but there will likely always be a part of him that wonders, “Is she just exaggerating or being dramatic or using this illness as an excuse?” That’s because he’s not living in your head so he doesn’t fully “get it.” If you put yourself in his shoes, and imagine yourself trying to understand your behaviors, you can see, I’m sure, that it would be hard and confusing. Having it explained to him by an expert could help him to understand that this is real and scary and it could also teach him coping skills, just like therapy teaches you coping skills.

Also, by asking him to attend a therapy session, you will be able to guage his level of support and involvement. If he is willing to go with you and wants to really get a better understanding and handle on this thing, that’s a very good sign. If he refuses to go, that’s something to think about for you…

The other benefit of attending a therapy session (or 2 or 3…) is that it will provide a safe environment for you to talk to him about your feelings – your sensitivities, fears, insecurities, confusion, etc. Your therapist might be able to guide you through this, helping you express it in a clear and calm manner, rather than you trying to communicate with him in the heat of the moment while you’re questioning everything. In return, he might be better able to express his feelings to you – his own fears, his concerns, his thoughts about the future with you. You may find out some very surprising things if you’re able to get him to talk in a calm, controlled environment, and with a little guidance.

Maybe your illness has contributed to his reluctance to propose, and if it has, that’s OK, maybe he’s just not equipped to deal with this and he wouldn’t be a good partner for you in the long-run, since you deserve someone who can be a PARTNER in every sense of the word. But he does need to be honest, both with you and with himself, and I truly believe in the instance that one person in a relationship is diagnosed with a mental illness, BOTH people in that relationship should seek counseling.

Good luck.

ETA: In the meantime, though, perhaps you could sit down with your SO and tell him that you understand that he is also being affected by this and that he is stressed, and that you can empathize with him, but he needs to try to keep his complaining to a minimum, because it’s only making you feel worse. Tell him you’re trying your hardest to figure this out and that you honestly just need his support right now. Relationships are give-and-take and sometimes one person has to give more than the other. There are times when it will be 80/20 in his favor, and times when it will be 80/20 in yours. And that has to be OK.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

*Hugs* I’ve read your previous posts and I know you’ve been through a lot these past months.

I think you should really try to make an effort to understand where your SO is coming from. Not just realizing that your symptoms put stress on him, but really seeing how your diagnosis has affected him. You’ve posted about all of the mixed feelings you had in response to being diagnosed. It’s totally normal for your SO to be experiencing those same feelings. Think about it, he went from thinking the mood swings were just part of your personality to finding out that you have a mental illness and will be getting treatment for it. That’s a pretty big shock and he’s probably struggling with a lot of conflicting feelings about it.

I’ve also found that people without experience with mental illness have a very hard time understanding it. They can logically understand the illness and its symptoms, but it’s often very hard for them to fully wrap their head around the fact that it is an illness and you don’t have control over your symptoms. Learning more about the illness should help with that, but it may also take time for him to come to terms with it. His complaining to you about his feelings is not helpful, but he probably does it because he doesn’t know where or how else to express those feelings. He may find it helpful to seek individual counseling or join a (online or in-person) support group. It really sounds like he needs an outlet to understand and express his feelings about this. He needs to know that he’s not alone and that other people successfully deal with this. He needs to learn how to cope with your illness and symptoms, while giving you the support you need.

PP’s suggestion of taking him to meet with your therapist is a very good one. Your therapist can explain the disease and answer any questions he may have. The therapist can also give both of you a safe place to express how your illness has impacted you and what support you need from your partner. Your therapist can also help both of you learn to communicate better and truly understand the other’s needs. He needs to be supportive of your treatment and understanding about the illness, but he will also need some support.

Regarding engagement, I think you’re overreacting. You two are in the middle of a major life-changing event. It’s come as big shock to both of you and both of you are only starting to learn how to deal with it. I don’t know your SO, but I think you should look at it more from the perspective of him wanting time for your lives to stablize. Getting treatment for bipolar can be a long and difficult process. It takes time to find the find the right medication and learn the best coping skills. It’s not unreasonable that he wants things to stablize before starting another major life-changing event (marriage).

When you take him to your therapist, it may be a good idea to discuss your prognosis as well. Obviously it can be very difficult to predict, but it may be very helpful to discuss what both of you can realistically expect from your treatment. Later on, this can probably also tie-in to your marriage talk because you can discuss what should happen in your treatment before you get married. You can also discuss how realistic those conditions are. If he’s expecting you to be completely cured, he needs to know that’s not going to happen and you need to know that he’s not waiting for that. These marriage conversations should probably happen later, once both of you have come to terms with the illness. He will probably need to work through his own feelings and fears to truly accept this diagnosis before he’s ready to have a fair, honest, and open discussion about the future.

ETA: Sorry this post came out so long. I really feel for you and I commend you on handling all of this so well. I hope some of these words will be helpful to you.

Post # 6
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Thank you all for your kind words of support and insightful advice.

I’ve been thinking ever since I started this thread, I do believe I overreacted a bit. I think I took what he said the wrong way… and then overanalyzed it to boot. As I said in my post, originally I was happy with what he said. I wish I could’ve just stuck with that feeling. I mean, obviously now with knowing it’s an actual medical condition, my getting treatment could very well help us move along in our lives together. I mean, I don’t blame him even if he was previously hesitant to get married because of my mood swings. Who would want to marry a person that’s going from ridiculously happy to ridiculously impatient to falling into a debilitating depression on a regular basis? Frankly, even though this brings me to tears… I’m amazed he’s stuck with me this long. I know he loves me. He was simply stating the truth. Now that it’s confirmed, now that we know for sure, we can move forward. Treatment will help. I know that just as it’s been hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my mood swings aren’t just a part of my personality…I know he is going through the same thing. So, yes, the more I think about it, the more I realize I was being overly sensitive and looking too much into it. I took it the wrong way. I really hate that my brain does that. It’s very frustrating, as I said, to be happy with that comment at the start, and then all of a sudden be flipping out over it. I know how frustrating that is to me personally, so I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be in his place. It breaks my heart thinking about it. I’m definitely going to try harder to see things from his perspective.

I definitely want to take him with me to a session with my counsellor. I started seeing her well before my diagnosis, to try and deal with the mood swings. I think it would be extremely helpful for my SO to hear about the illness from someone other than myself. For all the reasons you guys have listed.  I’ve tried printing off information for him, but I can’t bring myself to show him. He’s willing, he’s said he would love to sit and learn more about it so he can help me any way he can, so he knows what to expect. I keep wanting to, but I feel like I’m overwhelming him, burdening him. I know that’s something on me, I’m the one who has to get over that. But it’s like even though I know he’s said he’s willing to help me/us get through this, he wants to learn more about it, I can’t bring myself to do it. I have so many things bookmarked/printed/saved, I even have ebooks on the illness. I’m just so scared of overwhelming him. I know there’s no way around that, I just have to accept it and just do it already.

Regarding engagement, I think you’re overreacting. You two are in the middle of a major life-changing event. It’s come as big shock to both of you and both of you are only starting to learn how to deal with it. I don’t know your SO, but I think you should look at it more from the perspective of him wanting time for your lives to stablize. Getting treatment for bipolar can be a long and difficult process. It takes time to find the find the right medication and learn the best coping skills. It’s not unreasonable that he wants things to stablize before starting another major life-changing event (marriage).

I know it was a terrible time to even mention anything engagement-related. I know it didn’t make any sense whatsoever. I’ve actually discussed this issue with both my therapist and the psychiatrist who gave me the diagnosis. Regardless if it’s a symptom of my condition or not, it’s very frustrating to deal with [**please know I’m not trying to make excuses or blame everything on my condition, just trying to explain**]. I don’t know how to explain it properly, but it’s almost like I have no boundaries in certain scenarios. It’s like I literally can’t stop myself. For example, with the engagement talk. I know, deep in my gut…logically, rationally, I’m in NO SHAPE to be discussing getting engaged yet. Planning even a small wedding would be absolutely ridiculous, not to mention out of the question. I know I have to focus on getting treatment. As you’ve pointed out, finding the correct combination of medication, getting support [whether through my therapist or a support group], and possibly changing quite a bit about my lifestyle as well. I know all of that will take some time. Probably quite a bit of time. And there will be adjustment periods with all of those things as well. First we have to make it through adjusting to the diagnosis. I know that.

He’s been amazing throughout all of this. As I mentioned earlier…the fact that he’s been dealing with these ups and downs over the last 6 years [which got progressively worse as of late, I might add]…all the while thinking I’m just a moody person? And he’s still in love with me, hasn’t cheated or anything? I feel so guilty putting him through all of this. I’m sorry to sound like such a downer, but it’s been so hard. Some days I just really feel like he would be better off being with someone else, someone normal. But I can’t imagine not growing old with him or not seeing him every day.

Once again, thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it. I’ve really been struggling with accepting the illness, for some reason. I mostly feel relief, but then the other feelings pop up. I’m sure that’s normal.

Aside from taking him to the therapist with me, do you guys have any suggestions for making the educational conversation a little less serious? I don’t want to bombard him!

One thing I take comfort in though? I can’t express how much the phrase ‘In sickness and in health’ means to me now. And we aren’t even married yet.

Post # 7
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Your last post made me so sad because I can relate to it so well. I’ve been battling cancer since January–obviously our illnesses are totally different, but I can draw parallels to a lot of the things you are feeling.Especially when you say that you feel guilty for putting him through this and that you think he may be better off with someone else. I tell my husband that all the time.  A real man would not agree with us, though….and obviously we both have pretty awesome men. Look at it this way, even though you aren’t married yet, you’re getting the “for worse” part of “for better or worse” out of the way much earlier than a lot of couples do!  It’s great that he’s taking an interest in learning more about your illness. Show him the information you’ve printed off. He’s made the first step in showing an interest, but you have to meet him the rest of the way and help him learn.

As to making the educational conversations less serious, what my husband and I do is that we have days where we talk a LOT about my illness and then we have some days where we agree that we aren’t going to talk about it at all. We try to plan these no talking days in advance so I can get it all on our talking days and I don’t accidentally forget to tell him something and then need to break into our no talking illnesses days. Otherwise, you can end up just talking illness stuff non stop and ignore other aspects of your relationship. You still have to make time to have some fun, even if it’s a struggle to find something fun right now.

I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 8
Member
23 posts
Newbee

@misslene:  Firstly, my thoughts are with you as you fight your own battle. Thank you for sharing with me. I can’t even imagine. You are so strong. <3

Second, thank you so much for such a great idea about having days where we talk about it tons, go over whatever needs going over, and then also having days where we don’t talk about it at all. I told my SO your suggestion and he was all for it! I think it will be a wonderful way to cope with things and still keep our relationship fun and loving, not all serious and only about the illness.

I also want to touch on another thing you mentioned…that we’ve basically gotten the ‘or worse’ part out of the way before we get married. I take comfort in that, in knowing that we’ll be able to handle anything that comes our way. I didn’t think it was possible, but I do think going through this will bring us even closer together. I don’t want to be a statistic – apparently 90% of marriages involving a spouse that has Bridal Party disorder get divorced. Screw that, we’ll be in the 10% that grows old and wrinkly together! 

Thanks again. 🙂

 

Post # 9
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Bipolar is a major diagnosis and he may need time to deal with it as well as see you balanced on your meds.  It runs in my family and it’s very difficult to deal with other family members not to mention the implication that it may be passed on to my kids.  Make sure you take your meds correctly and get him involved so that he feels comfortable letting you know when it may be time to up (or down) them based on your behavior.  A big problem with bipolar patients is that they tend to stop taking their meds because they feel better and they think they don’t need them anymore or they feel nothing and want to feel something.  So long as you both realize that it’s a lifelong diagnosis that requires regular monitoring and medication a healthy long term relationship is doable.  Smile

Post # 10
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I just thought I would add my experience with Mental Health challenges and how that influenced my SO’s decision/indecision around proposing.

I have been sensitive and reactive my whole life, and was like this when I met SO. Last year, after 5 years I really thought he was going to propose, but nothing. I was flying off the handle at the littlest things, not reacting appropriately for the situation, alienating my friends, family and him, and just being a real jerk. BUT, I didn’t know it. I thought everything was normal, and couldn’t understand everyones reactions. 

After our 5 year anniversary, I sat him down and had the talk. He said he wasn’t ready, but would like to see the ring I found anyway. Around the same time, I started having attacks of chest pain, and passing out at work or on transit. I went to the ER 3 times in a month (I was 24 so that is a lot). I started losing weight really fast (from 140 to 125 in a month) and when I finally went to the doctor she thought I had cancer.  Well, tests and a series of appts led to one conclusion. I had a Health Related Anxiety Disorder that was triggered by a diagnosis I got the previous season for a benign condition. 

Well, this made sense, but my anxiety was out of control and I had no idea that it had gotten so bad until the physical symptoms. In summary, I was able to get the right treatment (both phychological, behavioural, and medical) and I started to come back to normal. Interestingly, it was a feeling I have never had before, but I just knew I was getting better. People wanted to be around me more, no one was walking on eggshells around me and my SO kept commenting on how proud he was of my progress.

After a year of treatment, I asked him to marry me (this past Feb). I thought I had scared him off because of all the shit I had put him through, and I finally understood how hard it was for him to watch his loved one go through this when he couldn’t do anything to help. He felt lost and helpless, just like I think your SO does. 

After we had been engaged awhile, and I was stable, happy and my symptoms were managed I asked him how he felt about everything.  He said he knew he wanted to marry me, but he didn’t want to throw all the pressure of a wedding onto me when I was crumbling, even though that is what I said I wanted. He said he couldn’t do that to me. He also wanted to make sure I was able to self manage my condition so that I was not dependent on him to keep me stable. It was hard to hear, but it made perfect sense. Mental Health is a challenge, and the person affected needs to be able to know their triggers, symptoms and how to respond to them on top of the medication because that is what leads to long term success.

The struggle is life long, and our SO’s know this. They want to make sure we also know this before making big decisions that are sure to put pressure on us that we may not handle well. 

Take care of yourself first, learn what you need to do, practice these techniques and get better. The rest will fall into place. 

Post # 11
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m on my ipad, so I can’t write as much as I’d like. I just went through a similar experience of taking sick leave a month and a half ago due to anxiety and depression. My relationship with my Fiance was affected, especially when I was in a depressed state. I’m also trained in the mental health field, so feel free to PM me. I can use FI’s laptop to respond.

Post # 12
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

it sounds like you have asked him repeatedly what he thinks of moving forward. like PPs have said, he was probably telling you little white lies because he thought maybe you were not ready to handle the truth

maybe you finally brought up moving forward so many times that he finally felt pushed into telling the truth. 

sorry if it turns out he lied to you, but I truly do believe that in some situations, a white lie in order to protect your feelings can be a good thing. but if 100% honesty is important to you (even if it may hurt feelings), then be sure he understands that. 

I agree with andilovesjosh: You might need to have an honest conversation in which he knows he can be honest without being punished.

Post # 13
Member
23 posts
Newbee

I am on my phone right now so I can’t do a full reply, but thank you all for your thoughts. 

I just wanted to clarify real quick (sorry should have said this in my post), when I say I’ve asked him multiple times if his reasons have to do with me, I mean that I’ve asked him maybe once per marriage talk…which has been maybe once or twice a year since roughly our fourth year of dating (we talked about it tons well before moving in together, we knew we would get married…I mean the serious, serious discussions about marriage). I apologize, I should have stated that. But I don’t want you guys thinking I’m harassing him on a daily/weekly/monthly basis about it. I think I’ve actually been pretty easy on him re:marriage stuff. 

Also, I do see how he could’ve told the white lies, because I would usually get very emotional talking about it. I totally get that, however, I’ve always told him I would want the truth even if it hurts. but even then, I could see how he would be nervous, given my mood swings. Which sucks after 6 years…but I’m hoping my getting treatment will be the start of a new, easier life for both of us. One where we can happily plan our lives together.

The topic ‘It's not you, it's me….wait, no. It is you.’ is closed to new replies.

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