(Closed) "It's not you…it's me" advice please

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I leave?

    yes

    no

    maybe

  • Post # 17
    Member
    4018 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Being from someone for 9 years without any type of firm commitment is a loooong time. You got together when you were 15. People change a lot during that time. If he’s giving you hints that he’s not happy then he’s not happy. Sometimes we hold on to relationships for convenience sake, but sometimes you have to know when to let it go. Based on what you’ve told us, I would let this one go. You deserve someone who treats you like you’re the best thing that ever happened to him, and this guy sounds like he wants to know if there’s something better. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    4520 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    View original reply
    @HappySky7:  this. If he’s seeing your life together as a maybe, let him go and realize that you deserve someone who wants only you and is sure about that.

    Post # 19
    Member
    810 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    Exactly!!!

    Post # 20
    Member
    2296 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    don’t throw good time after bad. the 9 years are gone, you can’t get them back. but don’t make it ten. 

    i have a friend who was in a crap relationship FOR SO LONG. she finally ended it and now cannot believe how much time she wasted – don’t be that person who in two years is saying ‘but we’ve been together 11 years!’

    it doesn’t change anything – harsh but true. if he doesn’t want to marry you, doesn’t trust himself not to cheat on you, wants to take a break – then your relationship is over as you know it, doesn’t matter if it was 6 months or 9 years. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    1988 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @broken71:  It sounds to me like he wants to be single but doesn’t want to be responsible for the breakup and hurting you. So instead of choosing to man up he is throwing the ball in your court for you to handle it. :-/ . Sometimes being the understanding girlfriend does not work. 

    Only you know if you are ready to move on. But from previous experience, when things are looking like this and your partner is pretty much openly admitting he doesn’t know if he wants to be with you right now, it is best to call it off and save yourself from further heartache. Sure breaking off will hurt and you’ll miss him. But dealing with the cheating, broken trust and so on is even more painful 

    Post # 22
    Member
    619 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    He doesn’t have the guts to end it, so he comes up with the tired “it’s not you, it’s me”, “I need a break” etc. Leave, push through the pain and the disappointment, and don’t look back. If you desire commitment and marriage, you have to move on.

    Post # 24
    Member
    3229 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Honestly I think you should leave.  If he’s turning 24 this year that means that you two have been together since 14 or 15.  Personally I’d never want to marry my one and only.  I’d want to experience life and that includes other relationships.  Part of dating is growing to figure out what you want and what you don’t want.  It seems like you two grew up together so who’s to say that he wants to continue on this path instead of trying something new?  Plus it’s important to be alone and single during your youth too.  At least that’s MHO.

    Post # 25
    Member
    522 posts
    Busy bee

    He told you that he didn’t know that he could stay faithful to you and you live together. That breaks my heart on your behalf. I can understand if you were both 18 and just started college 300 miles away but this seems crazy to me.

    I would strongly advise against a break. They make no sense to me. It seems like he wants to go out and sleep with other girls and “sow his seeds” but also make sure that you’ll be waiting dutifully for him when he’s done figuring all this out (that is if he doesn’t just decide he prefers being single or finds someone else!)

    I think you guys have to have a conversation where you BOTH put everything on the table. He needs to come clean about what he wants and you have to decide what you want and need. If he decides to stay with you then he needs to clean up his act, those texts to girls he works with are inappropriate!

    Post # 26
    Member
    4843 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Also, that book “Why Men Love Bitches”is a realllllyyy good read and is really relevant to this situation. 

    Post # 27
    Hostess
    11050 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    @broken71: Only you can make the decision. From having myself been told ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ then a year and a half later after us splitting he gets engaged, I say listen to your head first and then your heart (and don’t take his heart into consideration)

    Post # 28
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee

    He wants a break so he can go screw around, and … in case he can’t find anything better he wants you on the back burner. Sound appealing to you? 

     

    Post # 29
    Member
    857 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    I’ve always kinda gone with… if you have to ask than you kinda already know. People who are happy in their relationships don’t go asking others if they should break it off… ya there are exceptions to this but still. He doesn’t sound like he wants the same thing as you, especially on the exclusivity front. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    105 posts
    Blushing bee

    @broken71:  

    People change so much during their teenage years, and you’ll change even more in your twenties.  At the very least you should take a break.  You’ll both be better for it.  It sucks that you live together and sounds like you aren’t close to family.  I don’t know the circumstances of your move, but if he asked you to follow him there that’s really unfair and hard to forgive.

    He wants a break so he can sow his wild oats without guilt.  If he comes back to you, you will have had plenty of time to reflect on the relationship and decide if it’s right for you after everything that has happened.  My Fiance and I took a break (at my request, actually) a year or so into our relationship.  We came back together and our relationship was even better now that we were both ready for it.  Six years later and we’re still happy.  Just make sure it’s what both of you (especially you!) want.

    Post # 31
    Member
    119 posts
    Blushing bee

    OP–you are in your early 20s.  In the coming years you will meet so many men, many of whom will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. If you end it now you will look back on this time and be so grateful you decideded that you deserve a better SO.  And I have no doubt you will meet that special person, because I honestly don’t think your current BF is that person.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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