(Closed) "It's not you…it's me" advice please

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I leave?
    yes : (257 votes)
    97 %
    no : (2 votes)
    1 %
    maybe : (7 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 32
    Member
    1262 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @broken71:  This definitely doesn’t sound like s healthy relationship that is heading anywhere good.

    He wants to take a break (already not exactly a great relationship sign)… because he is afraid he is going to cheat on you!?! I am going to explain what this means: “I really want to have sex with some other women right now, and if we are on a break, I can do that without it being cheating, and then I can just get you to take me back once I get bored, or drop you like a hot potato if I decide I like these other women better.”

    Most people afraid of their loyalties but wanting to stay in the relationship would work on it, do counseling, etc., not run away, making it easier to do the thing they are scared they will do.  

    And you are getting bad gut feelings – trust those. They typically don’t come out of nowhere.  Only you can decide what you want to do, but this isn’t a guy who seems focused on or loyal to you at all.  You are still really young, and you’ve been with him since you were a teen. I think it would be better to get out of this relationship where your SO still acts like that teen he was 9 years ago, and look for someone who knows what they want and will put you first.

    Post # 33
    Member
    1572 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @broken71:  9 years together, and he is 24.. I assume that you are the same age or younger, which means you both have been together since you were sooo young… Sometimes that works out, but often times those relationships will die off.

    I think you should give him his space, and also enjoy your own space as well. It will be beneficial to both of you, if you wind up getting back together, if you are able to experience dating and being intimate with other people, since the other person is literally all you have known for the duration of your romantic existence.

    I personally don’t think I would have appreciated Darling Husband for all that he is and has to offer in a relationship had I not experienced others before him. Knowing what else is out there makes me all the more grateful to have a man as wonderful as Darling Husband.

    Post # 34
    Member
    3941 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Move on.  He’s right.  He does have a lot of growing up to do.  However, it sounds like his definition of growing up is sleeping with other people.

    You don’t need that.

    Post # 35
    Member
    841 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @broken71:  Him saying he “doesn’t trust himself” is a cop-out statement… I’d leave before he makes a fool of you.

    Post # 36
    Member
    6369 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

    @broken71:  “he doesn’t think he can trust himself (from cheating on me). He doesn’t know if he will but he says he doesn’t trust himself because of his past (he’s lied many times, sent sext’s to my bff in the past, etc.)”

    He’s clearly asking you not to trust him, which doesn’t look good.  It may be hard to leave after all these years, but he’s not giving you an option when he uses his past to justify what he may be doing now.

    Post # 37
    Member
    9544 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I hate to say it but it sounds like he’s looking for a way to sleep around without feeling guilty. I’m not a fan of “breaks”. I’ve never seen one that helped a relationship.

    The only way I would consider a break is to agree to continue to be monogamous and he has to find a place to stay and the break has to have a deadline. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    2564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    OP, I feel for you.  I hope you can find the strength to leave this boy and find someone who will cherish you.

    Post # 39
    Member
    796 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    Please leave him.  He’s basically telling you he’s going to cheat on you.  If he can’t trust himself not to sleep with someone else, how are you supposed to trust him?  And he has female coworks texting him about their sex lives… what?!  That’s just gross.

    Post # 40
    Member
    342 posts
    Helper bee

    “I can’t trust myself not to cheat” sounds like, “I’m cheating, and I’m afraid I’ll get caught”.

    9 years is a long time, but 10 is even longer. It’s time to end this chapter. We’ll be here for you to help pick you up.

    Sorry.

    Post # 41
    Member
    434 posts
    Helper bee

    If SO said that he couldn’t trust himself not to cheat on me, I would be out the door. Sounds like he wants to experience other people. I get it. I felt the same after being together with my ex for 5 years, starting when we were 13. I think you need to break up for real. If you both want to be together a few months down the road and he gets this out of his system, that’s fine. You can always get back together. But none of this “break” nonsense. You’ll just be waiting around to see if he wants to get back together eventually while he’s trying to hook up with other girls. For your own sake, break up with him and try to move on with your life.

    Post # 42
    Member
    7371 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    @FutureMrsBex:  If he’s giving you hints that he’s not happy then he’s not happy. Sometimes we hold on to relationships for convenience sake, but sometimes you have to know when to let it go.

    This. When someone tells you something, believe them, no reason to second guess. He sent sexts to your BFF, girl leave. Come on now. What more does he have to do you before you say enough? Either get the courage to want more for yourself, or suck it up and continue to sign up for 9 more years of uncertainity and escalating bad behavior from him. 

     

    Post # 43
    Member
    8037 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    This doesn’t sound good at all. You deserve better. Cut your losses and move on… you’ve got plenty of time to find a nice guy you doesn’t text your best friend and is a man… not a confused boy who is ruled by his willy.

    Post # 44
    Member
    1612 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    @broken71:  You deserve better than to be treated as an option.  I’m going to assume from his age that you are also quite young.  You deserve someone who won’t lie to you.

    Post # 45
    Member
    326 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    @broken71:  I don’t want to generalize, but as a person that has asked for a break, I can tell you that (to me), a break is just a nice way of saying that you want freedom from the other person without having to come right out and say it.  And the thing with “breaks” is that you never know if the person will find someone else or decide to change for the better and come back to you.

    I’m not sure how old you are, but I personally wouldn’t wait.  I’m at that age where I know what I want (finally) and I don’t have time to just sit around waiting for that other person to make up their mind.

    You seem like you’re young…it will probably hurt like hell for a bit…but you don’t know what’s waiting out there for you.  

    I ended a 10 year relationship last year…I had met him when I was 19 but in that time we just changed so much that by the end of the relationship I could no longer see him in my future.  It killed me to break it off, but I found my soulmate not long after and have never been happier…I hope you can find the same happiness 🙂

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