(Closed) It's official. Spanking is useless. What do you all think?

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 16
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

This is an interesting point:

3) If your dad often became enraged and cursed while he whipped you mercilessly with a belt until you were bruised and bloody, marks all over your body and emotional scars that cut even deeper than the lacerations on your skin, I am sorry that you suffered such heinous abuse. But please understand that, although your dad may have called that “spanking,” it was not. It was assault. There is, I assure you, another version — the real one — where a parent acts in love. The discipline is measured and controlled. It’s administered to help correct a child’s behavior, not to hurt them or make them afraid. In this scenario, the parent calmly explains why it is happening and talks to the child about how she can correct her behavior in the future.
Spanking can be quick and effective. I hear people say that, rather than spank, parents should use time outs or take away privileges. But time outs don’t always make an impression on a kid, especially if he’s like I was (and still am) and can sit staring off into space for hours, entertaining himself in his own head. “Go sit in a corner and day dream for half an hour? No problem, Mom!”
Taking away privileges might get through to him, but after a while you’ve made him into a little mercenary. He only behaves because he wants his toys and his TV time, not because he respects you. Not to mention, this strategy requires you to first shower him with lots of useless junk so that you have things to hold hostage when you want to coerce him into acting properly.
See? Any form of discipline can be described in a way that makes it seem absurd. If spanking is violence then sending him to his room is imprisonment, removing privileges is blackmail, and telling him to do chores is slave labor.

Read more at http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/09/18/spanking/#hFYiXD1LQgtkvDLA.99

Post # 17
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think it’s been official for about 50 years now, and I thank God my parents were willing to listen to the research in the 80s and 90s. 

I believe that raising a child is about teaching them. For some reason, people seem to think that social behaviors and parental respect is innate. It is not. Just like learning their ABCs, children have to be taught appropriate behaviors. You don’t hit (or as many people prefer to call it, “spank”) someone for having difficulties learning math. Why would we hit them because they are having a difficult time learning to follow directions?

And more than anything, I cannot stand a parent who hits a young child for throwing a tantrum. I can be quite the grumpy mess some times, saying things I don’t mean and being rude when I’m sick, tired, or had a bad day. Does that make being rude ok? No. But it happens. To all of us, children and adults alike. We should be teaching children a better way to deal with their emotion, not teaching them that hitting solves problems. Because that’s what it is. We think we can hit a child to cease bad behavior, and then when they decide to hit their friend to change their behavior (like not sharing a toy), we hit them again. Utter riduclousness from the people our children view as role models.

Post # 18
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Yeah, I struggle with trying to understand how using physical violence on a child is constructive in any way. I was never spanked, and my children won’t be, either. 

Post # 19
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

View original reply
Yipeebee:  Feel free to reply to me directly… I enjoy a respectful debate.

IMO- Parents do a lot of things to the kids that they would not want their child to do to others or that we wouldn’t do to our partners. For example, it’s completely reasonable to put a child in time-out but your child cannot put another child in time out and I can’t do that to my partner. Spanking, or popping, when used correctly, is a disciplinary technique, not abuse.

Also, to elaborate, I work with the child abuse department for my state. I am very aware of what child abuse is and hitting a child on the hand when they are reaching for the knife on the dinner table, esp after they’ve already been verballly corrected, is not child abuse.

Post # 21
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I was spanked as a child. Not hard but enough and after a few times it was more the threat of being spanked then my parents actually doing it that worked. I don’t see a problem with a light smack on the bum, if its hard enough that it leaves a mark then its too hard but a light smack is nothing. But I have a friend who was beaten as a child and I mean beaten. With belts, wooden rolling pins ect she had many broken bones and was taken away eventually but she spanks her children. Very rarely and never hard but she says there is a difference between a small tap on the backside and hitting a child. I’m not sure if I will spank my future children though.

Post # 22
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

View original reply
ana2017:  It’s interesting that you think spanking is wrong but you would hit a child if they hit you first. Can you elaborate?

Post # 23
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
onceuponadream:  I tend to agree with you. I would never harm a child out of anger, especially not to the point where it left any kind of mark (even temporary redness!) – however… I almost ran out into traffic as a 3 year old, and my mom (out of absolute, distraught fear) slapped my wrist while telling me to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN (with tears in her eyes).

Let me tell you – I had no fear of cars at that age, but the combination of a physical reaction, and seeing my mom so upset – made sure that I NEVER ran onto the road again. 

If my child isn’t quick enough while clearing up their toys, will I spank them? No. But if they’re doing something that could cause them serious harm, I want to make sure they know there are real consequences – even if they can’t comprehend the terrible possibilities at their age. 

Post # 25
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

oh yes because the children who were just “sent to their rooms for a time-out” turned out so much better! Spanking is fine within the lines of using it to correct and not simply out of anger. Yes there is a difference between a “pop” and being beaten violently. I was popped once on my butt by my dad for continuing to ignore his warnings to stay away from the deep end of the pool (I didn’t know how to swim yet and he was scared of me falling in and drowning) and it didn’t hurt. But it jolted me in a way that I will never forget. I never did that again!!!

Post # 26
Member
9795 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t see any reason to spank when you can do other methods.  It has never once crossed my mind to see it as a reasonable method to use with my LO (who is only 2) and I doubt I will.  I don’t think I would view spanking as child abuse (depending on the circumstance) but I think many people can cross a line with it.

Post # 27
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m a mom to a 2 year old and I don’t believe in spanking. My parents didn’t spank me and my grandparents didn’t spank my mother. Some of the answers on here are honestly so disturbing. First, wtf is a “quick pop”? Like a punch? You won’t spank but you’ll punch a child? Also, hitting a child because they hit you first? Ok, I’ll just teach you NOT to hit by hitting you back. That makes sense.

My son is honestly pretty well behaved for the most part, but he’s 2 so he does have a little tantrum every now and then. What works for us is talking to him calmly or putting him in time out for no more than 2 minutes (1 minute per every year of their age). Depending on why he’s upset i might give him a hug and ask him to use his words instead of screaming, etc. If he’s throwing a tantrum in a store, we just leave, or I’ll distract him with a snack or toy that we brought. There are so many ways of dealing with things other than physical punishment 

Post # 28
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

I used to be spanked a lot as a child, and I tend to get mad very easily and in a way resort to violence when I get upset. It’s not very serious, but if someone makes me mad I aways feel like throwing something and have to internally calm myself down. My parent’s were not abusive, but when I would misbehave I would get spanked and it would make me cry a lot and be really upset. I remember when I was a child I would think that I would never spank my children when I am a parent. My parents dont spank my brother at all and personally I think it’s really wrong.. Physical violence and pain is never a way to disipline by your child, it causes them to develop anger issues and is very detrimental. Being spanked only caused me to rebel 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  anonbee1950.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  anonbee1950.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  anonbee1950.
Post # 29
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
maritimebride2016:  A “pop” is an open handed little swat to the behind. It’s not painful especially with the padding that clothes gives. Where the hell did you get a punch from?

Post # 30
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

I was spanked rarely, but that’s because the threat was enough to get me in line. It was never out of anger, but I’m sure being hit out of anger is very different than what my parents did.

Ultimately, I don’t think that fear is a good motivator. Sure, it’s effective. But I do think that there are more positive ways to discipline a child that can create more intrinsic motivation and values.

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