(Closed) It's official. Spanking is useless. What do you all think?

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 46
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462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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tessadub:  because where I’m from “popping” someone means to punch them in the face. 

Post # 47
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1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My view is that I have been a teacher/teacher assistant/daycare worker/etc for 10 years.  I have been successfully raising other people’s kids without any kind of physical punishment for all that time.  Why would I start using it on my own kids?  On a personal level, I was spanked a handful of times as a kid.  I didn’t find it to be especially useful or especially traumatic.  Just not something I plan to do.

Post # 48
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2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Post # 49
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462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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gingerkitten:  it’s not a reward if it’s his own toy from home that he brought. And maybe you don’t have kids, but toddlers throw fits for a lot of different reasons. If he’s having a meltdown I do try a snack, and it’s not a “treat” because we only allow healthy snacks. If he’s hungry but having a hard time verbalizing it, it can result in a meltdown, so yes I do provide snacks to my child when he’s hungry. 

Post # 50
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2013 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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herrera2016:  Bingo.

Post # 51
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1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

I don’t have a problem with smacking, I have smacked my daughter previously.  She is now twelve I honestly can’t remember the last time I smacked her, Child abuse if physical leaves a mark, a smack dosent, and if you do mark your child that’s a hit, a hit is because your angry.  That’s where I draw the line. i have never hit my child.

Post # 52
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1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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herrera2016:  because a dog cannot reason like a human when they are spanked for correction. A stupid comparison. A child is brought up to learn right from wrong. A dog can be trained but isn’t capable of reasoning the way a child will. I also feed my dog from a bowl on the floor. Oh but I cannot use that to compare the way I will feed a child.

Post # 53
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524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I was spanked by my dad by Mr Hand and Mr Belt. It was awful and didn’t teach me anything other than pain, shame and distrust. One day I packed up my shit after a bad spanking because my sister and I were fighting over the remote and I ran away. I was 7. I made it to my grandma’s down the road. 

While I am a fine, heathly, well-adjusted adult now– it’s taken me years to forgive my dad for not being a better parent. 

I will not be spanking or popping my child. 

Post # 54
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1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

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Sancerre:  you weren’t spanked, your dad hit you which is totally unacceptable, good for you for forgiving him.  I finally forgave my mum, I understand why she did it, but that doesn’t mean I accept her behaviour.

Post # 55
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1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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secondtimecharm:  I don’t disagree that parents use spanking in an attempt to effect quick behavior change.  However, I also think that many parents who spank also talk to their kds about the ideas behind the punishment, right vs. wrong, either before or after the spanking.  The two approaches are not mutually exclusive.  

And I think that the definition of “spank” may be a source of disagreement among many of the replies here.   Whereas many of us define a “pop on the butt” as a “spanking,” at least one Bee (

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herrera2016: ) disagrees and would catagorize that separately.  Likewise, I’m sure that many of the pro-spanking Bees differentiate between what they call a spanking and what you describe as a parent “losing their shit” with their children (perhaps what the pro-spanking bees would call a beating vs. a spanking).  

I’ll be honest and say that I haven’t read the research posted by the OP.  I don’t have time to right now (I’m about to log off), but I will later.  But I am curious about how the research defines spanking, and how the researchers control for other approaches the parents may also have used in addition to spanking.  I agree that spanking is not an ideal form of punishment, and that other approaches may present fewer potential “side effects.”  But I also don’t think that it is always the terrible thing that so many anti-spanking advocates claim it to be.

Post # 56
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2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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tessadub:  I would argue a dog is a lot smarter than a 2 year old. And neither of them understand why their most trusted care givers would inflict physical pain on them. 

Post # 57
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2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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MelissainNC:  “I also think that many parents who spank also talk to their kds about the ideas behind the punishment, right vs. wrong, either before or after the spanking. The two approaches are not mutually exclusive.”

They’re not, but explain to me how this works: “What you did was wrong, for xyz reasons. And because of that, I’m now going to hit you.” That makes zero sense to me, logically and emotionally. 

And for the record, most research I have read defines spanking more or less as this: “the use of physical force with the intention of causing a child to experience pain, but not injury, for purposes of correction or control of the child’s behavior.” 

There are limits as to how we can define spanking, and we can’t pick and choose to suit our arguments. I would say that most people DO recognize the difference between a parent who hits in a controlled fashion and one that does not, but to me, a “pop” versus a “slap” versus a “hit” is a negligible argument of semantics. Arguing that one type of corporeal punishment is more appropriate because it’s less severe in terms of force may matter if we’re talking about swatting a kid on the butt versus whipping them with a switch, but ultimately, we’re referring to a method of punishment in which the parent exercises the use of physical force. The degree of force, within a reasonable modicum of options (swatting a kid on the butt, bending them over a knee and slapping their bottom x times) is secondary to the overall choice of behavior. 

Post # 58
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2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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MelissainNC:  Yeah, I think to me spanking is intending to cause pain. I think “attention getters” are more like tapping someone on a the shoulder, or grabbing someone to keep them from stepping into traffic, or something like that. Sometimes I think just loudly clapping is sort of in the same catagory or a sharp “HEY!” I wouldn’t typically yell angrily at my kids either. But I would yell if I needed to get their attention quickly. 

Post # 59
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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usnavyfiance:  Lol going to agree with you, I’ve been spanked too and I think it’s really helped me remember my lessons and did me good in terms of discipline and critically thinking about what is un/acceptable behavior and attitude. 

With that being said in a discussion like this I think the definition of “spank” is too vague and broad. When people say “spank” I think one person could mean “beat in an emotional rage with a shoe” and “controlled light taps on the palms or bum”. For me the key thing seems to be that it can not be emotionally charged and I think that’s when the really negative effects take place in the “spanked one”, like rebellion, bitterness, anger, that impede that child from becoming a well adjusted productive adult. 

I was spanked as a child and ultimately it did me GREAT. I most clearly remember the wrong I had done and the punishment I received based on a calm and reasonable discussion of the severity of my wrongdoing. My mother was the disciplinarian and after that conversation she would ask me how many raps on my hand I thought I deserved based upon my behavior and I would say a number and she would carry it out. It was a wooden ruler and I would count myself. Typically I said 10. It wasn’t an emotional affair, it never broke skin or bones it was just quick stinging taps.

I never felt physically abused or threatened it was unpleasant but so indisputably reasonable and I deserved in my mind because I dictated my own punishment. Also I feel like if she hadn’t done that I could’ve ended up the ultimate brat. I have a great and loving relationship with my parents and family, I went to a prestigious University and graduate school and have my Masters degree, I’m married to a wonderful man, I have a fulfilling career which I love and (I think) I’m pretty well adjusted. To me spanking is all about what is done and how it’s done and that line is very blurry and too easy to cross to “wrong” for many. 

Post # 60
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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herrera2016:  *eye roll* kids older than 2 get spanked also. But even at 2 a parent works to instill respect and a concept of right and wrong in their child. 

 

ETA: I read some of your other responses and seriously just stop arguing your point. Don’t swat your kid on the butt for trying to run into traffic because clapping loudly or tapping them on the shoulder will work! LOL. Okay. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Profile Photo tessadub.

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