(Closed) It's official. Spanking is useless. What do you all think?

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 61
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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MelissainNC:  I didn’t really articulate what I was trying to say about a parent “losing their shit.”  I didn’t mean to imply that all spanking looks like that, and there is a difference between a spanking and a beating.  However, any hitting at all to a child can get quickly out of hand if the parent is tired and frustrated, or if the child has extreme behaviors.  I also don’t think that most parents only spank without other parenting conversations, but I’ve talked a lot of kids who know that if they do X, they will be spanked and don’t necessarily understand the reasons behind behavior X not being OK.  I was talking to a kid yesterday who would get spanked for fighting with his brother.  What kind of message does that send? Hands are not for hitting….except when I hit you.

Post # 62
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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tessadub:  But lots of kids are spanked for reasons and expectations that they are not developmentally capable of knowing already or being able to adhere to.  Kind of the same thing as hitting a dog.  Being a kid means that you are this growing and developing human that doesn’t always fit into what adults want you to be at any given moment.  Spanking a kid for that (and I’m not speculating as to why you spank) isn’t useful or productive.

Post # 63
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

I also might be the exception to the rule. 5 of us were spanked and 5 of us turned out well. None have anger or aggressive behaivor and all have jobs and family’s. I have two kids and we don’t use spanking. But we don’t because my husband was violently abused as a child. My dad never struck us in anger. I clearly cant speak for everyone. I just think my parents made sure to let us know before hand why we were being spanked. We learned quickly. Also to note, none of us smoke and we all only partake in social drinking. 

Post # 64
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Why is it so hard for some to understand that there are no perfect parenting rules. Spanking =/= abuse. Abuse is just that and is not acceptable. It’s not your cup of tea? Cool.. but to insinuate that someones child will be traumatically damaged for the future by getting punished with a tap on the bum is absolutely absurd.

And, of course, I was spanked and I have 0 anger issues. Actually I would say through high school and university I noticed the kids who had had no consequences to their behaviours in life were the angriest and the worst behaved. Please lets not act like sending kids to rooms and taking toys away is the only answer to discipline issues. Just IMO though….

Post # 65
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2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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tessadub:  yeah, um didn’t say that. In fact I said the exact opposite. It’s like you can’t even read. And I used the exact example where I was “swatted” for walking out into the street and said it wasn’t a big deal. I said I believe those things are different than spanking to cause pain. Those are to get your attention, not to cause physical pain or harm.

If a kid is old enough to be spanked they are old enough to reason with. What point is there to spanking, when studies show it can cause harm, when there are so many other options that don’t? 

I do think it is wrong to spank your children (with the intention of causing pain) when you can talk to them like people. Which clearly is what is represented in study after study. But sure why be patient and take the time to talk with your kids when you could just smack the shit out of them. Who cares if it is at the expense of their mental health or their relationship with you? 

Post # 66
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2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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MeandMyLouboutins:  See this is what I don’t get. People equating not spanking their kids to not having punishments or consequences. Didn’t pick up your toys? Well that sucks, looks like you don’t get to play with them fo X amount of time. Didn’t clean your room? Guess susie won’t be coming over after school tomorrow. Want to go play outside? That’s awesome, but first complete your homework. Want to freak out and throw a tantrum, I am walkin away baby! Freak out at the store? I guess you don’t get to go next time. Freak out at home, time out man, then let’s talk about why you were so upset. 

 

“I was spanked and I turned out O.K.”  You are probably right but stop and think…
• You would have turned out fine even if you weren’t spanked. (And your childhood
would have been a lot less painful.)
• Not all kids who were spanked turned out bad – but why take a chance? Do your best as
a parent to ensure your child will have the best future you can offer.

Post # 67
Member
880 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I was severely beaten as a child for every little thing.

The beatings made me obedient but they also terrified me and made me distant from my mom.

I’m going to struggle with perfectionism and PTSD for the rest of my life. 

 

Post # 68
Member
880 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

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MeandMyLouboutins:  

+1 I think there’s a huge difference between an occasional tap on the bum and spanking. 

Post # 69
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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herrera2016:  Not all “discipline” works for every child. I gave the example of taking away etc and that plain out doesn’t work for some kids. I’ve seen it with my own nieces and nephews.
As to your points,

Maybe I wouldn’t have turned out fine if I wasn’t spanked. Maybe I would’ve been entitled and unruly. To remove spanking from the equation doesn’t equal a more positive outcome. There is no chance that I would be taking by spanking my children, if I choose to. I’ve witnessed myself, cousins and all the children in our community and how they have turned out. I would relate and use that as an example anyday over a random study. We are fine, our kids our fine, not spanking isn’t the better way. Its a different way of parenting.

Post # 70
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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MeandMyLouboutins:  ok so you are then saying your personal experiences outweigh decades of research on spanking kids? Just because you don’t think it messed you up? Well, it’s interesting that you don’t hear a lot of non-spanked people planning to spank their kids, and you do hear spanked and beaten adults say they won’t spank their kids. For the most part it’s just those who have been spanked continuing to spank future generations based on not feeling like they were messed up. So maybe they are, because they are fine with relying on what was done to them rather than alternative forms of discipline. And you are right, sometimes taking away a toy doesn’t work. And that is the entire focus of finding what works for your kids. But I would say spanking should be your very last resort if not off the table. 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3768154/ 

https://www.vice.com/read/turns-out-misbehaving-kids-just-get-more-horrible-if-you-spank-them 

https://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/health-wellness/2012/02/08/spanking-may-worsen-children-aggression-what-works-instead/zPsMfafWYZ1GKQmCPmLL1I/story.html 

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/5-decade-study-reveals-fallout-from-spanking-kids/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201309/research-spanking-it-s-bad-all-kids 

 

ALL of the research I have found said that spanking was not effective for long term results, and that it can damage your kid or make the more aggressive. I literally could not find a single study suggesting the opposite. In fact the only support I can find is people like you. Who say they are fine, so spanking must be fine. Despite mounting evidence that it’s not the case. I’m sorry but I just can’t see risking the happiness and future of my kid on a hunch that I know people who were spanked and are okay. VS knowing lots of people who weren’t spanked (BUT STILL DISCIPLINED) and are in a better place. I feel like it’s arguing the world is flat because that’s how you see it.  

Post # 71
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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herrera2016:  then I misunderstood you, sorry. I just want to point out “swatting” is MUCH different than “just smacking the shit out of them.” Whatever to each their own. I can give examples of people who were terrible little kids who got “swatted” all the damn time who ended up growing into the most pleasant adults. Everyone is different is what it comes down to. 

Post # 72
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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herrera2016:  How about we don’t suggest how other people discipline their children as long as they aren’t harmed? Whether first, last resort, that is entirely not your place. I didn’t read those links because, yes, my personal history is more relevant to me than those studies.

 “I feel like it’s arguing the world is flat because that’s how you see it.” –
Interesting, as the same can be said for you!? …. I will agree to disagree

My opinion stands 🙂

Post # 73
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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MeandMyLouboutins:  that’s insinuating that children aren’t harmed from spanking, and ignoring ALL the evidence that it does harm them. So apparently your version of “harm” is to produce physical injury and ignores the long term psychological effects. Interesting. Despite evidence that spanking is permanently harmful you are choosing to belief it’s not, that the earth is flat. So it’s not quite the same. All the experts suggest it hurts, and the world is round and you just are refusing to believe it so you feel okay about hitting children.

Post # 74
Member
3561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

People keep using the “I was spanked and turned out fine” line. And that’s great, good for you. It doesn’t cause problems 100% of the time, and you are in the lucky bunch. But that doesn’t make it right. And also… What if you could have turned out even better? I know that’s what I want for my kids. I don’t want them to turn out okay despite my actions. I want them to turn out to be the best, most well-adjusted, happy people they could possibly be!

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