(Closed) It’s ok to be alone.. isn’t it?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@dannielle89:  Girl, you are going to be just fine!  You are so young and you have everything in the world to look forward to!  I am sorry that your marriage isn’t working out, but you will find yourself again and you’ll be even stronger than before.

You’re already taking the proper steps to getting there–just hang in there!  It is FAR FAR FAR from over for you.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

I can put myself in your shoes. I was engaged at a super young age and totally thought he was the one. If we had gone through with the wedding, I know I would be in your place. You just said so yourself- you have SO much to look forward to. And you never know, the right person could be around the corner- or not. The important thing is that you find happiness in yourself. I know everything will be wonderful! …and you’re better off having this happen now than 10 years from now…

Post # 5
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

You are going to be fine.  It is a long, hard road, I will not lie.  However, you will get over it one step at a time.  I was engaged at 20 to a guy I dated for 3 years.  We broke up and only 6 months later I met my current fiance.  Now 6 years later we are getting marriedi n December and I couldn’t be happier. 

Have you ever heard “hind sight is 20/20”?  When you look back on your life you WILL realize that everything had to happen in order for you to get to the place you are.  When I was struggling after my break up I took my mom’s advice:

-Get a journal.  Each night write three things that happened that day that were positive and three things you are looking forward to the next day.  It can be as silly as “Tomorrow night Project Runway is on!” but it really helps you to move forward and count your blessings.

Good luck! You know you have so much support here on the boards <3

Post # 6
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

One of my co-workers is going through the exact thing at the moment. She’s started picking up hobbies here and there. Taking random classes at the college for interests sake. She just bought a house and it’s totally freaking her out that she’s going to be there alone.

Over the last couple years she’s expanded a lot and isn’t so scared of the future.

It will happen for you too, these things are hard and they will take time, but you will pull through and you’ll find happiness again.

Post # 7
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You don’t miss him, you miss the idea of him. Keep a list of all the bad stuff that happened or the way he’s changed and look at that at 2am when you’ll feel the lonliest. And keep in mind, being alone doesn’t mean you’ll be lonely. Have you ever talked to anyone in a really, really bad marriage 10,15,20 years in? They are with someone, but are so lonely. 

My feeling is you can’t really find someone until you are okay with yourself (by yourself) and okay with never finding someone else. Until then, you will constantly live in fear of being alone and fear does not allow for true happiness to florish. Not to mention, people afraid of being alone, stay with the wrong people for too long.

You might meet someone great, you might not. You might meet them tomorrow, it might take you another 18-20 years (I met mine whenI was 38, married at 40. But I was happy being single, so having him in my life is a bonus)

Don’t let your marital status define who you are. Have a great life and find out who you really are (seriously, no hobbies?!? that tells me you don’t know who you are yet) and learn to really, really like and love yourself.

Until then, when the 2am lonelys creep up on you, call your friends, read your list or jump on WB and chat away!

Post # 8
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@dannielle89: “I should mention that I am only 21.. 22 in a few days.. I know it isn’t over for me yet, but at the same time I’m worried it is.”

 

You are so young, your life is JUST beginning. You are just posting this because you’re newly single and this feels unnatural for you. Give it time! Get to know yourself – women change so much in their early 20’s. I’m 26 now and I am a completely different person than I was at 21. I know it’s hard to be optimistic but cheer up – enjoy this time in your life. Immerse yourself in school and hobbies, you’ll get through it and be better for it!

Post # 9
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I know you’ll hate to hear this, but you are young and it’s not the end of the road.

The other little dirty secret that no one tells you is that for many people 20’s was the worst age. Many people think it’s teen years, but really I thought my 20’s sucked. At least in your teens you could try on different personas, try new things, change directions with little to no consequenses. But in your 20’s you are still trying to figure out who you are (and everyone is expecting that you should know that already) and making decisions that can have serious consequences. 

Your suppose to feel uncomfortable and uneasy, it’s part of the process. It sucks, but you’ll get through it and be a better person for it.

Good Luck!

Post # 10
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee

It is okay to be alone…go out and grab the book Getting Past your Breakup by Susan J Elliott.  It is helping me tremedously.

Post # 11
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

First of all, I am really sorry to learn that it’s not working out between you. I can’t even imagine how heartbroken you must be, and I realise it probably feels like the end of the world right now.

That being said, as other PPs have pointed out, you have your whole life ahead of you.

Second, I think what you are going through is fairly common. A lot of people meet someone in their early to mid teens, only to discover that they have absolutely nothing in common by the time they are in their 20s. I have a friend in a 9-year relationship with her boyfriend, who she started dating at 17. At 26, they live together as nothing more than housemates, and live completely separate lives with separate groups of friends. They have grown apart, but are scared of breaking up because they feel that being together has become such an important part of their identity.

I think the reason why the majority of teenage relationships don’t last into adulthood (or even get to the stage of engagement and marriage) is quite simply that teenagers do not have the experience and maturity to know what they want and need in a life partner. The qualities that girls look for in a boyfriend at 16 are not the same qualities they look for in a husband 10-15 years later, and for this reason, someone who makes a great boyfriend to you when you are 17 will not necessarily be the ideal husband at 30.

If I were you, I would not look for a new relationship anytime soon. Take this time to focus on you, and decide what you want to do with your life. Take classes, find new hobbies and spend time with your friends. The right guy will come along eventually, and when that happens, you will have so much more to offer him ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 12
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

You are scared and unsure about your futrue and that is all to be expected.  I was divorced at a fairly young age.  I went to a divorce recovery class.  It was the best thing in the world.  You get a chance to morn the loss of your relationship and yet heal and look forward to the possibility of something new in the future.  They asked us in the class to commit to staying out of a relationship for at least one year after the separation/divorce.  This was great advice.  I had many friends who got right back into dating only to find themselves married again very soon after and in the exact kind of bad marriage, then divorced again.  Get to learn about yourself.  Think of things that you like to do or would like to try and do that he didn’t care about.  For me I learned to rock climb and I took all kinds of dance lessons.  I took some cooking classes and all of these were with local commnity centers so none cost very much.  I learned to love my time alone, to cherish it in fact.  After years of being so comfortable with being alone and with good close friends, learning exactly who I am, what I really wanted from life – that is when I found by complete accident the man I am going to marry in a month.  My dad just lost his wife in April and he is going through the same thing.  He told me in tears the other night.  I don’t know how to be alone and I hate it.  Since you never know what life will throw at you it is best to be prepared.  Don’t look for someone else to fill in the empty spots in your life.  That gives them all the control.  If they are happy, then you are happy but if they are sad, mad etc  then you are too.  Fill in the gaps of your life yourself.  Then you are in control of your own emotions etc.  When Mr. Right comes along (and he will) you can give him a complete whole and independant woman he will love forever! 

I wish you all the best.  Stay strong, and you will get through this.  Look for a class to help you find your way.

Post # 13
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

This is hard, and I am so sorry that you are going through this, but you WILL bounce back and you WILL be okay!! It is normal to be sad and unsure of your future! It is hard sometimes to be alone, but you are young and strong. Try new things, meet new people, go places. I think its great that you are starting university and taking a dance class. Start and keep a hobby and begin to build who you are!! You will be just fine ๐Ÿ™‚ *hugs*

Post # 14
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee

You are going to be fine, not to trivialize or minimize your pain right now, not that at all. But you have so many opportunities and just being able to recognize that you don’t love the person he is anymore and he doesn’t feel the same about you can help you in recovering some knowledge of yourself separate from your attachment to another person. Try to take time for yourself and don’t go looking for someone, that is a good way to find a person that is wrong for you and overlook the warning signs and end up in this mess again…

Post # 15
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2021 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay

It is okay to be alone.  I know it is hard to believe, but you are going to be FINE.  Better than fine, actually!  I am glad to hear that you’re starting university next year – good for you!  Have you considered just starting over fresh in a new city with new people and new experiences?  It might be good to be completely cut off from him & your old life. Not that you’re running away from anything, just experiencing something new.

Best of luck to you!  

Post # 16
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

when i was your age i was in a relationship with my sons father, i had a baby at just turn 22, and two years later we split… i felt the same way it is very hard at first i won’t lie to you… but you will get there in the end… my best advise in any situation when feeling down is to surrond yourself with family and friends, enjoy being you and have fun. the classes are a great way of doing this too. as other pp said looking for someone new is not the answer, all that will happen in good time. 

and i am truely sorry to hear things didn’t work out for you, try to be possitive, and the best of luck to you, i am a great believe in fate. 

 my parents split when i was 14 and my dad, brothers and i moved into a street where an old friend of mine lived… we became best of friends again (and still are) my friend then moved to the other side of the city (not far only about 15 minles away) i attended a party at her house (about 18 years old at this point) at this party i met my son’s father, i don’t like the man but i can at least thank him for the wonderful son he gave me… after spliting with my ex, i went to a ladies night thing with my ex’s best friends gf, and i bumped into another old friend who knew where this house for rent was that she believed would be perfect for me (i’d been living with my mum for a while at this point…. i took the house. two days after moving in, i was going to the shop, when an old college friend stepped out of the house opposite, we got talking and he asked if i fancied going for a drink… which i did when my son was with his dad…. i went for this drink and his cousin was their (i dated his cousin back in college) i am now 27 and engaged to this ‘cousin’. who knows where i would be now if my mum never left 13 years ago Undecided

just to add: i still see my mum she’s ace and has travelled a difficult road to get the happiness she has now… 

 

 

i went through some serious heartache, abuse and yeah some pretty good times too to end up where i am now…. 

 

good luck ๐Ÿ™‚ 

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