Thank you both. This is going to be a long process. I was feeling better yesterday than today. I know I am expecting way too much from myself.
The reality is starting to hit me. He was a part of my life for 5 years so it’s hard for all that to be over in literally just one day.
I have to see if I can cancel my order on my wedding gown. I have to cancel the hotel we were going to get married yet. We did not send out save the dates so I don’t have that to worry about. I told my roomates I would pay for the deposits on their bridesmaids gowns (although they told me not to worry about it). I have to return Eric’s Christmas present.
For one of our receptions (we were going to have 2 because our families are so far apart) we were going to have 1000 paper cranes because Eric’s mom is half Japanese, so obviously that’s over with. Eric’s grandmother was going to come in from Japan for the wedding- don’t need to worry about that now. I actually had not done that much wedding stuff so it’s good I didn’t waste a lot of money.
Eric’s brother is getting married on New Year’s Eve and still wants me to attend his wedding (his brother and I were good friends before Eric and I even met) and I said I don’t think I can. His brother also sounds exactly like Eric on the phone so I said I cannot talk to him for a while either.
Eric has alienated a lot of his friends with this. They seem to all be taking my side according to his brother.
I am going to miss seeing his parents. They are very cool – I would have lucked out with them as in laws. His mom is this cute little petite lady and his dad is a riot. His mom is expecially pissed he treated me this way.
All my weekends were pretty much set – I knew what I was going to be doing. Now I’m going to feel like a 5th wheel as my roomate Meaghan is engaged and Jen has a boyfriend. That’s going to be weird. Most of my friends are in relationships; I don’t really have any single friends any more.
My mom is coming up this weekend to take me shopping. She said she always feels better when she shops!
We had talked about trying to become pregnant before the wedding. So glad that didn’t happen!
My roomates keep asking me if I plan on cutting my hair because after Jake and I broke up I cut my hair really short. I have no plans on cutting my hair! They are worried that I am handling this TOO well and because I tend to keep my feelings locked up I may be internalizing too much. I have been told that I’ve said ‘I’m fine’ the last few days more than I have my whole life.
I just have to keep remembering the bad times, which isn’t too hard since they are the most recent memories. I have to remember that his actions were not the actions of someone that truly loved me. My roomate keep betting how long it will take for Eric to come begging me to come back to him. Jen thinks before Christmas while Meaghan thinks it will be right after his brother’s wedding. I have no intentions on taking him back, but both Jen and Meaghan have made it clear that they won’t let me either.
I guess if anyone can learn anything from me, it’s to trust your instincts. My heart told me to give Eric a second chance after the ring problem, but I was always on edge on that, which meant, now that I can look back objectively, that something wasn’t right. Maybe my run in with Jake was the eye opener that I needed. When I was trying to convince Jake that I was happy, I was really trying to convince myself that I was happy.
2 steps forward, 1 step back.