(Closed) it's really annoying,

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 168
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@nikix: I was married and am now divorced, I pushed for engagement/marriage even though the relationship wasn’t right because it’s what I THOUGHT I should do since we had been together so long. Now I’m divorced. I’m dating a wonderful man who I love very much and marriage hasn’t even come up (we’ve been together over a year), I don’t care if I ever get married again, I’m very happy and so is he so as long as we have love and respect for eachother and are together I don’t feel the need for a piece of paper…however is he wanted to ask I would obviously say yes, I’m not against marriage it just isn’t as important as I once thought, true happiness is!

Edit: I’m NOT knocking marriage or any bees, I’m just saying in my experience for ME, marriage isn’t as important to me anymore.

Post # 169
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@nikix:  I’m replying before I have read any of the other posts, so there may be things that I miss.  To me, marriage is not a worthless piece of paper.  To me, when you get married you are making vows to God, to your friends and family, and to the legal authorities in your state that you commit to this person for the rest of your life.  If you cannot fulfill that commitment, there are consequences, I doubt anyone that goes through a divorce sees it as easy.  Also as a side note, if you’d like to remove God from the equation above I think you can without changing the power and meaning of making promises to your friends and family and to the legal authorities in your state.  

Marriage is a protection for each individual. Marriage means both of you can share a family health insurance plan provided by either of your employers. Marriage legally creates a family, and makes you closer to your partner in legal ways than his parents.  This is really important if one of you is in the hospital and needs an end of life decision made.  Do you want to be left out of that decision because you’re not family?  Even though you live together, and are committed to one another?  After the death of one person, marriage also protects you, the suriving member of the couple are guaranteed portions of their deceased partners social security or pension.  Even with just these reasons, Marriage is WAY more than a meaningless piece of paper.

I personally do believe that it is ok for unmarried persons to live together.  However, I am currently training to be a religious leader and if I would live with my significant other, I would not pass through the preliminary process that determines whether or not you are qualified to hold such a position.  We cannot live together before marriage.  

While in different situations I might live with my SO before marriage, I would never do the following things without the protection of marriage:

  • Hold Joint Accounts or merge money in any way

 

  • Jointly purchase property

 

  • Have children

So, while I accept that some people do this without marriage, because of my beliefs, if my SO didn’t want to get married, I’d be unable to live with him, own a home, have children, and feel like a family.  I would forever feel like his immidiate family (His parents and siblings) which I am not a part of, come before me in every decision that he makes.  

I’m sorry, but to me that sounds like reserving myself to second-class citizen status in his life.  No amount of love is enough for me to decide to do that permanently.  

If he was absolutely adament about waiting, I would wait for possibly a significant period of time, but I would have to factor my family, my career, and my needs and desires for a family in first.  If I admit that I don’t expect him to consider me first if we are not married, then I’m not going to consider him above all else if he refuses to change that situation.

Love is wonderful, but I don’t believe in “soul mates” I think there is more than 1 person out there that I could live happily with, who would mutually support me in the way in which I desire, while being vulnerable enough to accept the same support from me.  If the guy I’m with isn’t that person, then I should move on, because I could find someone who would be happy to put me first, make us more than just boyfriend and girlfriend and create a family with me. 

Ok – rant over.

Post # 170
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

And I got ripped apart because I’m having a wedding after already getting married

@nikix:  This only applies for someone who values the wedding over the marriage.  If you (not you you, the general you) genuinely valued the marriage, it wouldn’t matter when the wedding was.

Post # 171
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

just reading this thread is exhausting lol but seriously, if marriage is a deal breaker to someone then they need to have that discussion pretty early on to make sure their partner wants marriage as well. like PPs have said, it’s about compatibility. If you love someone & go into the relationship knowing you will be with them seriously & committed to them forever regardless of marriage, like I believe Hyperventilate said she did, then marriage isn’t a dealbreaker & there is no walk date or ultimatum. Pretty easy to understand to me.

Post # 172
Member
1860 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@nikix:  “…love doesn’t always have to be followed by marriage. If you’re happy, you’re happy”

But that’s your opinion. And while you absolutely have the right to voice your opinion, it is coming across very judgemental of other people and their choices. For some people and their belief systems, marriage does need to be the next step after falling in love. Whether it’s societal pressure or family pressure or religious pressure, they feel the need to get married before taking things further (buying a house together, having kids, etc). Of course some people are going to get worked up if they are in the boat you describe (thinking of leaving because SO won’t do the marriage thing) and you are essentially calling their feelings annoying.

I’m curious, if you wanted kids and your SO (well, husband now) decided after a couple years of dating that he does not want to ever have kids, would that be a deal breaker for you? What if he desperately wanted kids and you did not? I feel like that’s a similar situation. 

If you’re happy/in love, that’s great, but some of these things are pretty major things that need some sort of agreement/compromise…
 
(Sorry, I don’t know if any of this was said on page 4 of this thread because my internet filter at work blocked it because of an “extreme language filter” – yikes!)

Post # 173
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

and you are essentially calling their feelings annoying.

@E_Lynne615:  Isn’t this what waiting bees are saying about their SOs feelings of not wanting to get married?  I told all of the people I dated that I didn’t want children within the first 2 dates.  Are you waiting bees expressing your expectations of marraige at the beginning of your relationships?  Isn’t it just like “if you wanted kids and your SO (well, husband now) decided after a couple years of dating that he does not want to ever have kids”?  You cannot blame your partner if you suddenly have different expectations.

Post # 175
Member
2083 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1993

Laughing at De Nille…

@OP: Your friend who has been with her man for 15 years – why did she accept his proposal if she had no intention to get married? Surely, if a piece of paper is no symbol of committment then a ring/words are no guarantee either?

 

Post # 176
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would never have left my Darling Husband, but marriage was important to me and him. My Darling Husband and I didn’t believe in kids before marriage, so it was essential that we got married. Guess good communication and being on the same page go along way in a relationship. The piece of paper isn’t important. There are other things about marriage that are way more important. That being said, I still wouldn’t have left him had he not proposed. I love this man way too much.

Post # 177
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

The only problem is that we needed that “piece of paper” for legal reasons…being able to make medically-related decisions for one another, social security benefits (I make much more and he will be eligible for a much larger SS check by drawing from my income), etc. 

In our relationship is not all hearts and flowers but we don’t love one another any differently that before we were married.  We’re older and realize that the romance doesn’t make the marriage.  A relationship is not a Nicholas Sparks story…it’s real life with ugly things that don’t always end up pretty and wrapped in a bow.   

Post # 178
Member
23592 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Okay I’m stepping in here to close this thread, since it is a violation of our TOS:

We don’t allow posts that are intended to be rude, sarcastic, insulting, berating, argumentative, condescending, personally attacking, or that otherwise harass users of the Weddingbee site.  Please do not post threads for the sole purpose of criticizing, mocking, or otherwise disparaging others’ wedding, waiting, or nesting choices. Weddingbee is a diverse community with members across the globe.  No single culture is better than any other, and we value every member’s perspective. Please be more conscientious in the future. We reserve the right to remove such posts as necessary.

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