(Closed) It's such an easy trap to fall into….

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

You’re not crazy. Or, at least, I hope you’re not, since I saw a lot of myself in your (very witty and fun-to-read) post! I never wanted to get married. I didn’t care one bit about having a “soul mate.” I hate weddings. But what happened after I met my SO? I started dreaming about getting married to him. The minute he told me the proposal was coming by the end of the year? I joined this site. So yeah, if you’re crazy, I’m crazy. But I’m okay with that, because my crazy comes with a great, loving, wonderful guy.

Post # 3
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I could have written those last 2 paragraphs myself (and most of the rest of your post for that matter).  I feel incredibly similarly to you and I completely empathize.  My SO and I have been together for 2.5 years and I keep having these moments where I think the relationship is doomed or I assume he did XYZ because he doesn’t plan to ever marry me or some other deep dark revelation about our future.  I am getting to the point where I have trouble enjoying our relationship at times because I don’t understand why he hasn’t asked.  And I, too, put in the same type of ‘overtime’ you are referring to, and I am pretty crushed inside when he doesn’t respond with a ring. I know I am a great girlfriend and would be a great wife, so it gets pretty frustrating and sometimes I get sad.  At the same time, I feel a little crazy because he is my best friend and we are very happy together and I know we will be together in the future.  He knows I am ready….so I guess I just have to keep hoping that some day he will be ready too.  It’s so hard. 

Post # 4
342 posts
Helper bee

I feel like I could have written that whole thing.  Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Post # 5
5140 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I could have written your whole post… 4 years before my ex broke up with me because he just didn’t want to marry me. I kept up the same behavior as you for 6+ years trying to show him I was worthy. You can’t force it, if he wants to marry you, he will once he realizes it. If he doesn’t it’s better to cut your losses. You just have to decide how long you are willing to wait for him to make a decision. 

Post # 6
2395 posts
Buzzing bee

SithLady:  +1

OP, I understand the emotions you’re feeling. And I know they can be painful in some ways. But I’m mystified as to why you’re convinced that you need to “shut it up,” to the point of flogging yourself and describing yourself as “nuts”  for daring to speak up or even nag.

After two years together you at least deserve an answer about what timeline you two are (or aren’t) on.

This is not rocket science. It’s a simple, “Where is this relationship heading and when?” conversation.

There doesn’t have to be any drama attached to it. 

Do you really think it’s OK, healthy and fair for you to dangle in limbo with your lips stitched neatly shut, when you have questions about the path your own life is taking?

Is it loving or mutual for your SO to hold all of the knowledge and answers about where your relationship is going, and for him to share that, unsolicited, only at some questionable point in the future when lightning strikes and he’s ready to have that conversation with you? If ever?

Here is a book about the research that supports speaking up:

Post # 7
141 posts
Blushing bee

Jessicaleigh21:  You just made my day!! I have fallen in love with someone very similar, and I adore the fact that I can just wait and not worry overly-much about the future because one day it will just happen, and it will be wonderful, and beautiful; and it isn’t threatened by timelines or expectations, or ultimatiums. Congratulations on finding your wonderful guy!!


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