(Closed) It’s “your day” but everyone thinks they know better than you do!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I think you defiantley need to take back control of your wedding. You and your Fiance need to sit down, just the two of you, and talk about what you want for the day and what the most important parts of the wedding are (besides the marriage). Set a budget the two of you can afford yourself and plan away. Sometimes the cost of the money others will contribute isn’t worth it.

Post # 4
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

That sucks! That is such an awful feeling!! For me, standing my ground is pretty easy but it’s the fact I have to repeatedly state I will or will not do something that gets me. So annoying! Even my UNCLE who I am not even a little close to kept me on the phone 30 min trying to convince me to hire the band HE likes…2 weeks before the wedding. UGH!

Post # 6
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m in the same boat as you.  In fact, I’m getting steamrolled over by my own mother and my maternal grandparents.  I’m at my wit’s end with them.  Ugh.  //  I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you.  I just know that you and your Fiance will pull through!

Post # 7
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Oh my. I am so with you!!

People are getting angry at me for not wanting the big, lavish, expensive, country club stuff… I mean to me, I prefer putting my money where it will last for more than a day.

Thus I am having a 15 people wedding and the reception at my house. 

You have to put your foot down. One thing I’ve learned, when planning a wedding, someone’s feelings (or wallet) will always be hurt. You can’t make everyone happy. But you can plan for your future and decide that you are not willing to sacrifice your financial health for one day. 

You CAN make it very special without all the traditional expansive options. 

Post # 8
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@InATizzy I absolutely feel for you, sending virtual hugs your way, just know you aren’t alone  🙂

I know exactly what you are going through! The MILzilla is streamrolling us to the point we’ve stopped accepting calls from her because she chucks a fit like a toddler if we are doing something different to what she expected. I had an excellent relationship with her prior to us planning a wedding, now I keep her at a distance and make as many decisions without her.

@ieatunicorns:  I totally agree this is perfect advice. You can stand up for what you want and if someone doesn’t like it then what I feel they are really saying is they don’t support you and your Fiance. I’m contemplating saying something like “Oh, I relaly thought you’d be supportive of our vision for our wedding” the next time MILzilla behaves like a two year old 😉

 

Post # 9
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@InATizzy:  

This was my second marriage and I still ran into this with my own mother!  Of all people I’d think that she would have gotten it all out the first time around but nope, anything and everything I wanted she some how found a way to tell me it wasn’t good enough.  She asks me what color I am painting my toenails, I say mauve and she says, “really?  mauve?”  I tell her that I bought an ivory dress, she say “really?  are you sure you want ivory?”  It was already bought!  She asks about my jewlery, I tell her I bought a pearl drop necklace and earings, and she says “oh, what about a strand of pearls?”  She asked what I wanted for flowers, I tell her I bought some fake hydrangea flowers and am making my bouquet, and she again says, “really?  are you sure you don’t want real flowers?”  Weeks later after I show her my bouquet, a hydrangea only bouquet  with some leaves gathered around the base of the flower bunch, the stems wrapped in ivory ribbon, just like you see on real bouquets, she say “you know, maybe we should add some ribbon, how about we lace some ribbon through the hydrangea?”  Seriously?!  She insisted I have something “old, new, borrowed, blue”, because I “HAD TO” have it.      

The list of crazy unimportant things she didn’t like goes on and on (hair, makeup, type of guestbook, our sand ceremony, toasting glasses ect…)  I can’t think of one thing that she didn’t offer up a “well, how about this” instead comment after I would tell her what I was doing or having for the wedding.  AND she kept giving me the “well you HAVE to have …..” I heard this so many times I could of paid for the wedding if I had a dollar for everytime I heard that.  I did have a complete meltdown one day while planning because the wedding ended up being nothing like Fiance and I had originally wanted or envisioned.  Luckily for me, FI agreed with me so at least I had his support, I don’t honestly know what I would have done without it. We vowed to never again let our families bully us into doing something that we didn’t want.  It is OUR life afterall, not theirs. 

In the end, I (we) caved on a lot of things.  But looking back, I am glad that I (we)did, like wearing a veil… originally I wasn’t going to.   But I’ll be darned if she’s going to tell me what color to paint my toenails!  By The Way, I painted them a bright, springy colored green!  MY favorite color, and I enjoyed showing her the day of 🙂  And even though our wedding wasn’t exactly as we had wanted, it was still very much OUR day.  And that is how I will remember our wedding, as the day I married my soulmate.

Post # 10
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Our original concept was very laid back outdoor wedding. I feel your pain, my mother helped but was not the only contributor. Her response to everything was it is my money and I will spend it however I want. All these months later I am still hearing how she is hurting financially and it is all because I HAD to have this big wedding. le sigh. If you will regret it later then don’t get bullied into it. You will regret it so much more later! There were so many unneccesary things at my wedding that were all her and none of us.

 

Post # 11
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@InATizzy:  I dealt with this. It was horrible. I did not enjoy my engagement period whatsoever. My own aunt was supposed to be my DOC but she told me my ideas were tacky (I wanted my BMs and GMs to walk down the aisle togethr and stand together as a circle around the alter…turned out very nice in photos), so I had to fire her.

My advice is what I ended up doing: stop talking to people about the wedding. Learn the art of ignoring phone calls (“I’m busy with work or school”) or ending calls when the convo gets out of hand (“let me call you back, that’s my dentist/boss/doctor calling me”). Also, giving vague answers when asked questions like “we are still working on that”. If they give an opinion, “Let me talk that over with FI” and move the convo along. Learn how to “handle” the people around you.

Don’t be afraid to say “I appreciate your opinion, but I have my own ideas about this” and leave it alone.

Post # 12
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I totally feel your pain, this exact thing happened to me early on in my planning process. Now I keep all wedding details to myself (I literally tell no one, not even FI). When someone asks about the wedding I tell them there are no new updates/plans. Since I started doing this fewer and fewer people have asked. Funny thing is everyone will show up the day of with no idea of what I have planned for them.

Post # 13
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was having the same sort of problem with my sister and mom. My sister had a very very lavish wedding, with about double the guest count and budget from what Fiance and are comfortable spending on our shindig.

Luckily, the wedding is on the other side of the continent and they’re not paying for it. If it had been in Toronto both mom and sis would have stuck their fingers in everything.

Nonetheless, behold my Saga of the Engagement Party!

Where the real problems have come in have been what was to be my bridal shower, thrown by my sister, who is also my only bridesmaid. She asked what I wanted.

Which was: I want you to invite the friends who I’m also inviting to the wedding (who are mostly closer friends who would be willing to travel to California for my wedding). I want to have an afternoon of nibbles and cocktails with these friends. I don’t expect presents from them, as most of them are still in university and the one girl who is already married in my group of friends was completely understanding that we were all broke at the time and told us not to worry about presents and to have a good time. I kinda like that attitude.

Anyway, I tell her that, and a few evenings later she calls and starts saying, that her husband… my Brother-In-Law wants to have his family come for my “engagement party”, and since it’s also his house it would be respectful for me to let them come. She the tells me that she wants to invite some of her friends so that she isn’t stuck hanging out with my friends…Okay… and next she tells me that my Mother wants to invite all the families of her friends who can’t go to California for the wedding. I’m standing there going like WTF?! this is not what I asked for at all. She says, “We just thought if we invited more people you’d get more presents.”. That really rubbed me the wrong way.

For about a month, I did my best to convince her that I don’t want to see all these people and that I’m not interested in getting some pile of gifts from people who are mostly strangers to me. It all fell on deaf ears. Eventually, I was sick of fighting her and realized her party was just stressing me out and I asked for two things:

1. If it’s now an engagement party, can you please make sure Fiance (who got a job in California recently and we’ve been LD) comes too

 2. Surprise me

The good thing is #1 is well taken care of. #2….we’ll see

During this surprise party planning, which has gone on for about 3 months now, I’ve come across the following events:

  • My mom having to tell my sis not to directly ask for gifts on the invite! (I think my knees buckled when I heard that little piece of class)

 

  • My BIL’s grandmother (who is a judgement crotchety old lady, who has been cruel to my sister and dismissive and rude towards me) is apparently invited. Party On!

 

  • Cases of wine and beer piling up in my Mom’s house. CASES?!

 

  • My mother and sister had some sort of huge fight over what desserts to serve and whether to serve coffee or not. This led to them not speaking to each other for about a week.

 

  • My mother telling me to call all my friends and make sure they come, because all the food and drink was expensive and they’ve planned to have a certain number of people… followed by a guilt trip of “Do you know how much money it costs to throw  a party for you?” … yes mom, I actually do, I’m planning one in August! >.<

 

  • I’ve learned my sister has basically coerced my mom into paying for the whole production, and basically has been running her around and stressing her out

So the whole engagement party got out of hand quickly. It’s on Sunday and it looks like it’s going to get rained out, which will undoubtely make my sister cry and throw a tantrum. I’m just going to appreciate getting to spend some time with Fiance and deal with the party as it is.

TL;DR: I asked for an afternoon of cocktails with my girls for engagement party, Insted, everyone and their dog is invited in an obvious gift grab orchestrated by my sister…

I still can’t fathom how nobody heard me when I explained what I wanted. NOBODY.

The topic ‘It’s “your day” but everyone thinks they know better than you do!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors