Post # 1
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
I realize that I’ve been putting off my wedding planning not because I don’t want to get married, but because I placed too much expectation in my idea of the “wedding” (party, guests, etc.) MY Fiance and I had agreed that we wanted something intimate, but I changed my mind later and got resentful because he didn’t pick up my hints that I wanted a larger party. Note that I never told him “I want a larger party.” So everytime the topic came up I just got sad and moody.
The thing is, NOW I understand that I’ve been very bad about the whole thing. I never knew that I wanted the big fairytale wedding, but I do.
I already told him that I want a nice dress and he sent me a reasonable dress budget so I can get whichever I choose. When he gets off work I want to talk about a larger wedding. I know that we don’t have money to afford to invite everyone, and he feels pressured because he wants to start a family sooner rather than later (he is older than me and says he doesn’t want to be his kids’ “grandfather”), so he won’t want to reschedule for a later date. That’s fine, I think I may be able to work something nice with the time we have (October 2017). But definitely not have the wedding of my dreams, and not enough time for me to save up to pay for the wedding I’d like. He thinks that spending so much money on a party is a waste, when we could buy a larger home using that money, or buy a car. He is very practical.
My question to you, bees. Do you think I’m being unreasonable? Should I carry on with our petite wedding that I’m not very thrilled with, or try to make him see that I want a (yes, a bit superfluous I guess) but nice wedding that we’ll remember always?
I just want to get my head straight before talking with Fiance.
Post # 2
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
Keep in mind it’s HIS wedding too – and maybe the wedding of his dreams doesn’t involve spending tons of money. Can you do a compromis? like spend X amount more, which is more than he wants, but less than you want?
Post # 3
Member
3438 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Up to this point you’ve been a bit unreasonable by agreeing to an intimate wedding then expecting him to be a mind reader once you silently changed your mind. Whether or not you’re being unreasonable now depends on how he feels once you communicate the issue. Do you think he wants this big fairytale, more expensive wedding that you’ll both “remember always”? Or would he be happier with the intimate wedding you’ve already decided on? Maybe the key that makes it memorable for him is simply marrying you, not how its done.
Post # 4
Member
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Are you working or is he earning more so he is paying the bulk of it?
edit- you need to work on your communication skills. Pouting, dropping hints and being a pessimistic bitch isn’t the healthy way to get what you want. Freakin talk to the guy
Post # 5
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
theatrejulia : Both of us work, but he earns way more than me, so he is paying for the bulk of the wedding. And yes, I want to talk to him straight. I just want to hear some unbiased opinions first.
heavenlyflower : I agree. I’m pretty sure that he’ll compromise to a point, but I know for a fact that if it were up to him, we wouldn’t have a reception at all. I fear that the petite wedding may already be a compromise on his part 🙁
kw617 : Good point, thank you. I hope we can reach something we both like.
Post # 6
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
msfrost89 : it’s really wonderful that you realize you’re being a bitch. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to sit your Fiance down, apologize, and tell him you want a bigger wedding. Something like, ” i’m sorry I’ve been so difficult during the wedding planning process. However now that we’re doing the planning, I realize that I want to bigger wedding. Is there anyway we could meet in the middle and invite a more people?” Even if you don’t have more people, at least you’ve had an honest conversation.
ETA: Wedding planning is hard. Don’t beat yourself up too much for your past behavior. The important thing is that you realized you were being immature, and you move on from it.
Post # 7
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
Meganquita : Thank you, that’s very helpful. Yes, I feel that even if I don’t have the wedding of my dreams, I just need to lay it out there and talk.
Post # 8
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
you should talk to him–be honest. Approach it with a bit of humor and a lot of humility (both of which I think you’ve shown you posess in this thread alone).
My DH is always very relieved when I call myself on my behavior. I’m 99% sure your Fiance has noticed it, just doesn’t know how to bring it up (“honey, you’re being a moody, bitchy, crazy lady” doesn’t tend to go over well..).. he’ll be relieved to find out the why, trust me. It’s always nice to know you’re not marrying a psycho.
As for whether or what extent to change the wedding–well, that will follow. Tell him what you’ve realized you want, what will make you happy and then open up the discussion so the two of you can decide what you can afford and what will make both of you happy. Inevitably some things he will feel strongly about and other things he won’t care. If you’re lucky, you’ll feel strongly about different things and you won’t even need to compromise much. Chances are, one or two things you will both feel strongly about and you’ll need to work something out.
You’re a team now, this is an opportunity to work on your ability to solve problems as a team. You’ll be making lots of really big life decisions with him going forward–where to settle down, what type of house to buy, where to go on vacation, how to raise your kid(s)… figuring out how to express your needs and listen to his and work together to find solutions that make you both happy is a very good thing.
Post # 9
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
It sounds like one of his reasons why he does not want a bigger wedding is due to the proportionally increased cost he assumes he would have to pay; I mean, he’s paying for most of it already, like you said.
Let’s say he’s currently paying for 90% and you’re paying for 10%. One way to persuade him to have what is close to your ideal wedding is for you to contribute more money to it proportionally speaking, e.g. you would contribute 40% and he would contribute 60%. Also, come up with a realistic budget that both of you can get behind.
For example, the budget Fiance and I agreed upon for decor is pretty modest. But since I want more expensive decor, I am paying the difference; I think it’s unfair of me to demand that he pays more for something he could care less about. I’m also paying for my own dress, shoes, makeup and hair so that I don’t have to run the costs by Fiance.
Just something to consider. Good luck.
Post # 10
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
maybe compromise? Think about what would need to change to make this the wedding of your dreams, and what you could compromise on??
We spent money on the venue, photographers and our outfits (cheap but fun shoes and lovely dress), and everything else was super cheap cause we really didn’t care… Our guest list is 60 people (family and some close friends- not as huge as it could be but not as small as we would have liked either…)
Hopefully the wedding planning gets easier… I didn’t find planning stressful, but I did find the lack of opinions from my FH REALLY stressful at times.
Post # 11
Member
47417 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Which do you want more- a big wedding? a house? a family? We all have to prioritize and compromise.