Post # 1
I have been with my husband since high school and although this will sound confusing, I love him dearly. More than anything in the world. He just doesn’t do it for me in a intimate fashion and hasn’t for quite some time. I have been with other men for going on 8 years now. I was stepping out of our relationship and having sex with other guys prior to our engagment and up until our wedding and I was good for almost a year after our wedding, I have contiuned down this path. It is very hard for me but I need intimacy. I usually meet guys online or stop into a bar and strike up a conversation with a cute guy and take it from there. last night was the breaking point. I was out with friends when I met a cute guy, my friends don’t know about my ways. We went back to their house(they are a couple, my husband was at work) and after one last drink there, I left, went back to the bar and met the young cutie, we got a room downtown and had a very steamy night and morning. Now I am faced with the guilt of what I have been doing for years, it always sets in the day after. I love my guy and would do anything for him, he just isn’t romantic, slightly overweight and well not a great bed partner.We’ve been to counciling and it accomplished nothing.
I am prepared for the worst
Post # 3
My thought is to come clean to your husband immediately and be prepared for your marriage to be over. You can’t remain married to someone who you clearly have no respect for.
Post # 4
You need to call and get yourself into counseling, ASAP. Find a new counselor and be 100% open about what you have been doing.
I would also get tested for STIs and give your husband the opportunity to do the same. You have put his health at risk.
If your marriage isn’t working, and yes, intimacy is part of the package, I would let him go. He deserves to be in a monogamous relationship where someone is 100% committed to him.
I watched the hurt mom went through when she found out that dad had an affair. She is still recovering, 15 years later. They divorced about a year after he told her about the affair.
Post # 5
Not sure why you are posting annoymously on an online forum, because I think you already know the answer. You’ve broken your marriage vows, and I’m just going to be blunt and harsh and say…. there is no point in you being married to him and he does not deserve this.
Post # 6
I am tested regularly and always use protection. I can’t tell him, he loves me soooo much and so do I. It will be over and we are trying for a lil one right now. I can’t break his heart. But the flip side is how long can this lie continue?
Post # 7
I agree with what others are saying. You need to tell your husband, and I wouldn’t expect your marriage to last if you’ve been cheating on him for the past 8 years. For me, that would be impossible to forgive. Intimacy is part of a marriage.
Even if you stopped right now and never cheated again (which I don’t see happening, as you said you already tried to stop), your entire relationship would still be based on a lie.
Post # 8
I agree- come clean ASAP. I know that you say you love him and he means the world to you, but I have to assume that deep down you don’t really mean that. You were dating him for a long time and it sounds like had a lot of relationships with other men during that time, yet never came clean. Think about the risk to his health you pose in partaking in these types of risky behaviors! Moreover, you married him regardless of the fact that you were still partaking in extra relationship affairs.
It sounds like this relationship is anything but healthy. Love is open communication and understanding. If you had been open and come to the agreement that you could have an open relationship, this would be a different story. You have been lying for a very long time and it is simply not fair to your husband.
EDIT: to say that it would kill him to tell him the truth is probably true- but it sounds like you are more worried about how it will affect your life. And PLEASE do not bring a child into this mess that you have created! that would be a terrible mistake
Post # 9
You will get caught one day and that will be more painfull for your hubby.
Come clean, its the best for him.
You cant really love him, if your prepared to do this to him for 8yrs+!!!
I wish you well and hope you sort it, but you really must tell him the truth. xx
Post # 10
you have already broken his heart-he just doesnt know it yet. You are in no way being fair,you say you love your nusband but you dont want to tell him,and want to continue these flings. Telling him will be the hardest thing you do,but you get away lightly;him being told will be even harder.
Tell him and show him respect for the first time
Post # 11
You need to tell him I could never imagine being with someone for 8 years and cheating on him? I dont see how you could marry him when you were cheating on him for the whole relationship… I think that is unforgiveable and that he deserves alot better…
Cheating is one of the worst things you could do in my opionon and the fact that you are also trying for a baby sickens me dont bring a child into your already screwed up realationship….
Post # 12
To touch on what others said, it sounds like your relationship is not in a healthy place right now. That being said, it’s the two of you, and though it’s very likely your husband would be hurt about finding out about your infidelity, you would only be negatively affecting ONE person.
That being said, I strongly encourage you to not work towards having a baby until you have honest resolution with your husband (or decide that the relationship is best to end). It isn’t fair to a child to be brought into an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. Children are perceptive and pick up on subtle disagreements/anger/upset feelings. Being raised in an environment with parents who are not on the same page and have that underlying anger can have an impact on a child, which I don’t think you want.
I’d strongly encourage you to leave these challenges to the two of you until both of you deicde TOGETHER (not you deciding on your own) how to move forward. It isn’t fair to bring an innocent child into this situation.
Post # 13
@now6ivedoneit: You say you love him, but you cannot be honest with him. Honey, that’s not love. Lieing to a person, and saying you love them is the cruelest thing you could ever do. Also, what are you getting out of the marriage by staying married to him? Does he provide a well rounded paycheck?
I don’t want to be mean, but if I come across as that, sorry. It’s my being a woman who was cheated on more than once, I dislike this subject strongly and can relate to the people who are being cheated on.
Is this going to break him? For a while. Are you going to suffer for it as far as your social click goes, oh you better believe it, and it sounds like it’s well deserved. Also some men are really horrible in bed, but the great thing is, you can be the teacher. It can be a bit of a game, if you want to even try.
I think for the sake of the poor man that believed he had married an honest, wholesome woman, he needs to be told the truth and move on.
Post # 14
JUST STOP making excuses for yourself. You claim to love him too much to hurt him, but you have been hurting him for EIGHT YEARS. He deserves to know the truth. You trying for a baby without being honest with him is selfish, and it is only going to make things more complicated when the truth finally comes out.
Since you don’t feel intimate with your husband, what you have is a friend (albeit one you are not very honest with). If you want to tell him with the aid of a counselor, I think that would be wise, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, TELL YOUR FREAKING HUSBAND!
Post # 15
@now6ivedoneit: please please do not involve a child in this right now- that would be insane- its absolutely insane and selfish for you to want to continue this relationship when the foundation of it is a pack of lies you have told this poor guy. Dont you think he deserves a better marriage? Doesnt he deserve to be happy with someone who doesnt lie to him all the time?- This is ridiculous, I cant believe you would want to bring a child into this situation, and actually stay with your husband…and Im assuming you will probably justify your lying to him and never telling him as well. I feel so sorry for your husband, and honestly he deserves so much more.
Post # 16
WOW… please do him a favor and leav him. You can find ur real soulmate that you wont cheat on , but for now do the right thing and just tell him you guys have different needs. good luck.