Post # 76
FutureMrsKHBD: I agree re: the shower. The taking away of the invitation would still be distasteful, but it would be much less distasteful than the combination of rescinding the invite to the reception but urging attendance at a bridal shower.
The couple always have the option to turn down the financial assistance (I am assuming that the only way Mommy Dearest could add her guests is if she is pulling the financial strings) and host their own reception with the people who are special to them. Ceremony guests MUST always be hosted afterwards, even if the reception is a so-called modest cake-and-punch affair. To fail to do this is to take advantage of guests in a way that is unbecoming responsible adults. I am completely unmoved by the claim that I should have sympathy for a supposed adult that cannot stand up to her parent and chooses to inflict one of the most serious social snubs possible–rescinding an invitation–on someone she calls a good friend.
ETA: @bitsybee and I posted about the same time…I agree with what she says about accountability and would tag her properly if my phone would let me!
Post # 77
While I agree that uninviting is rude, and the bride should have handled all the situation better, at this point it’s useless to speculate how it should have been. We don’t know the whole situation, how deep is relationship between OP and bride etc.
I’m from a culture where invitations to ceremony only are quite common, so some insight how it is done here:
1) Only people who live in the same area where ceremony occurs are invited/notified (i.e. they can attend ceremony without transportation costs and extra time off);
2) Such invitation is not an imposition, you can attend or not and don’t need to explain anything;
3) Absolutely no gifts are expected from guests who attend ceremony, just some flowers and a card (we give flowers in every celebratory occasion, I know that foreigners think it’s weird :));
4) After ceremony there is champagne toast and some light appetizers available, so all guests can congratulate newlyweds and mingle a bit.
TL;DR – in given situation I would attend ceremony if it’s not much of a hassle, and give nice card. End of story.
Post # 78
bitsybee: No, you have all the steps correctly aligned, but unfortunately have not at all taken into account any possible reasons as to why those decisions may have been made by the bride.
1) Yes it’s a short engagement, but is she or her SO being deployed? Do they need to make it quick because a family member is terribly sick? Those are very good reasons for a short engagement and not ones I would judge people on. 2) A small venue, again, it’s a short engagement, little time to save, perhaps that was all they could afford? Or the only venue available on such short notice. Or the only one a sick family member could travel to.
As for the mother – we can’t control what others in our lives do. At all. Even if you have boundaries that have always worked, perhaps this time they didn’t, or perhaps god forbid, this bride has a flaw and it’s lack of boundaries with her mother. Or hell – perhaps neither were at fault and it was just an innocent miscommunication between the two that led to these extra invites.
Now of course, none of what I speculated could be true at all. Perhaps she is just a horrible, selfish person in a rush to get married and she’ll be dammed if she let’s manners get in her way. But I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt and see the best in people. Fact is, we don’t really know that much at all about this bride.
It’s a tough situation and one that could have been better handled (a call, not a text), but not enough to stop me from attending the ceremony. Whether or not you think she needs to be accountable, missing her wedding – a (hopefully) once in a lifetime event – to prove a point about etiquette, seems harsh to me.
Plus, I actually love attending bridal showers so being invited to one would make me feel much better about the situation and until I have information to the contrary I’ll assume that was what the bride intended.
Post # 79
I would just not go to any function. Period.
Post # 80
Everdeen: all fair points. Bride could have lost her voice so texting is the only option to communicate even.
Just as she’s able to prioritize her situation (those reasons were all to the convenience of the bride and the friend has to deal with the fallout), OP would be justified in prioritzing herself first as well. It’s about what makes her feel comfortable. If she wants support for no card, no ceremony to allow the bride to see her wedding vision through (short engagement, small venue, mom’s list), that’s still supporting the bride.
At the end of the day, OP will do whatever she wants. Power to her. I’m just not one to make someone a priority who considers me an option, but it’s possible that other bees / OP doesn’t feel that way. That’s cool too.
Post # 81
A text? Ouch! I wouldn’t attend anything. Send a nice card wishing them well. No gift.
Post # 82
I feel bad for the bride, as it sounds like there’s a fair bit of disorganization going on. It is due to her actions though.
If you’re close to her, I would consider going, especially if you enjoy wedding ceremonies. You could talk to mutual friends, if it is such a small venue and she is uninviting 18 people, it’s likely you’re not alone. If a few decide to go you can grab food after as a group or something. For the gift, do what feels right to you, maybe something more personal as it sounds like the couple might need to relax after this wedding! GC to a restaurant, wine are some ideas.
If you’re not close, or don’t expect to be after this, then don’t bother going. I would still send a card.
Post # 83
You can speculate all you want to about overbearing parents, shotgun weddings and too-small budgets, but at the end if the day, the bride willingly did something to her friend that most folks would find hurtful (so the OP isnt overreacting and the bride should have realized a high chancendir hurt feelings). To repay this “favor” by attending a shower or wedding ceremony would be far nicer than the average person could muster — and nicer than the bride deserves, given the circumstances. A gift would be out of the question for most.
Post # 84
Don’t go. Something like this nearly happened to a friend of mine. Her mother was trying to take guests off the list so that she could invite relatives she thought should be there. Luckily my friend shut it down before it got to this point.
Regardless of how it happened, it is rude.
Post # 85
Admittedly not handled very well by the bride but id say if the ceramony venue isn’t far away id go along and see your friend get married. If she’s cut 18 friends in favour of family the reception probably isnt goinfo to be that rocking anyway!
i would say no to the bridal shower though – especially as gifts will be expected :S
i would suggest maybe getting her a voucher of some sort – giving cash when all you’ve been to is the ceramony feels a bit much but a nice card and a voucher for a decent store would be fair enough in my opinion. Try not to punish your friend too much – sounds like her mum is being a right pain!!!