(Closed) I’ve caused chaos (long)

posted 9 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think a lot of people assume that the woman will move to be with the man in a long distance relationship, because more often than not, that is the case – often because men have more stable jobs or higher pay scales.

However, the cultural norm for a situation is no reason to do something!

I think you haven taken the most important step — you brought it up to him. And understandably, it’s not an easy decision for him to make either. It’s not going to be an easy decision. That’s what I’m realizing more and more about marriage – it means decisions are harder to make, because instead of rationalizing for yourself, you suddenly have to rationalize for two people, who often have different rationalization methods and (hopefully only slightly) different values and ideals. It gets messy quick.

No one can make this decision for you – it’s up to you and your Fiance to work out together. It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into it, and that’s good; it may be that your Fiance needs more time to process all of the information you’ve given him. I encourage you to continue talking about it together, in an open way. Talk about the pros and cons of living each place, both logistically (job market, pay scale, conveniences of bigger city life, etc.) and emotionally (distance from family, breaking away from the ‘nest’, etc.), and weigh what is most important to you as a couple.

One final thought: you mention his unease with leaving his parents and his realization that he’s growing up. In my experience, moving away from home, while difficult, is often one of the most beneficial times of growth in a person’s life. So I guess what I’m saying is don’t let things that are hard automatically fall into the “cons” list – they’re hard but they can also be good.

Good luck!

Post # 4
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

The first thing I would say is you can’t worry about what other people think or say.  You have to make the decision that works best for the two of you.  How far would he have to move?  If it’s only a hundred miles, then that’s really no big deal. If his parents needed something, he could drive out and back in a day.  I think it’s also important to remember that where you live now isn’t where you have to live for the rest of your lives.  If he moves to you and is really unhappy with the city, you two can always reconsider.

Is there anyway you could apply for jobs in his city and he could apply for jobs in your city, and then where ever you both get a job, that’s where you live?  It will just add to both of your stress levels if one of you leaves a steady job to live with the other, and then isn’t able to find employment.


Good luck!

Post # 5
1154 posts
Bumble bee

It’s hard to move somewhere for someone but it sounds like this is definitely the best option for the two of you.  As daydreamer mentioned I think any comments of surprise that he’s moving instead of you have nothing to do with your circumstances and situation but are based solely on people still having expectation of the woman doing the sacrificing.  Try to let go of the guilt and redirect it appropriately, you will take care of him when he comes to your city, be supportive and show him around.  In a life long relationship there will be plenty of times when one person has to sacrifice more than the other, right now it’s his turn, in time it’ll be yours. 

Post # 7
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you have a very good head on your shoulders and you’re thinking about this very logically. I agree with the other posters who say not to worry about what everyone else thinks. It’s very easy for someone to ignorantly call you selfish b/c he’s moving to you, especially when they don’t know all of the facts. It really sounds as if you thought this through, and all signs point to him moving to you. And like you said, you would be willing to move back towards where he was originally a few years down the line. I think you’re doing great, and you can tell those who call you selfish to walk a mile in your shoes…then ask if you were still selfish!

Post # 8
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I definitely agree with the previous posters who say you haven’t caused chaos. ^_^ I don’t have much to say that would be different from what’s already been said, but I agree that from how it sounds, it makes more sense to live in your city.

We’re going through sort of the same thing, where I feel selfish to expect Mr Spin to move to my city when the time comes, but with my job and his job, it makes more sense for him to come here. Every situation is different, and open-minded people know that it’s not selfish for a husband and wife to decide what’s the best path to take for the betterment of BOTH careers, not just the convenience of one or to suit the expectations of others. ^_^

Post # 9
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

I’m making my husband move from the UK to the US this year, so I’m causing a LOT more chaos than you!  🙂 

I actually think the “let’s face it, we both know that I’ll come to you anyway” could be viewed as very sweet– of him recognizing that even though it’s not his first choice, he will put you first and prioritize your needs, since the question of where to live seems more important to you.  Depends on how he said it, of course.

He might also be having second thoughts about how this move will affect you financially.  Maybe he’s worried that he’ll have to take a large cut in salary, since you mentioned that if he stayed, he’d be on quite a high wage in relation to his experience.  Plus, perhaps he’s worried about the extra living expenses of being in a larger city?  Maybe you can just help him see that this could be a positive move for him– bigger city equaling perhaps more room to move up in his career, etc.

Post # 10
990 posts
Busy bee

Has he job hunted in your area yet? Maybe that would give hime more peace of mind?

Post # 11
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

any update, gingerlex? Have you guys talked about it anymore?

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