Post # 1
I was in the shower this morning and decided that I NEED to have a conversation with Fiance about him helping out.
When we lived in our apartment he was good about understand what I needed and what needed to be done to some extent. I still did a lot of the overall cleaning but he helped with the dishes and sometimes the cooking and running errands.
But now we are in his parents house for personal reasons and he’s working a part time job. He had originally quit his full time one to go back to school and then a few months after he graduated got this part time job. He told me for a long time that he was going to get a second job but he hasn’t. I think he changed his mind and decided he would work a lot more on his writing now. (I’m still deciding if I’m ok with that as I know how important working to be published is for him but I also am worried about money for the wedding) We are doing ok financially now but I’m worried about some of the things we’ll have to pay for in the next seven months.
Anyways, it hit me. Last week after our fight over ironing, I realized I’ve been doing pretty much EVERYTHING. I’ve been doing the dishes, the picking up, the cleaning, the laundry, cooking when I can, paying the bills, etc. And it’s exhausting. I’m in school, I’m working more hours than he is. And every time I think to ask him to do something I come up with excuses. He’s a big boy, he can help me. I keep telling myself that “he doesn’t know how” but I can damn well teach him how to do laundry or something. I just don’t want to resent him in the future for this. And while it’s my choice that I haven’t talked to him yet about it (I haven’t felt the need, I never minded until now), I wish a little he had gotten around to doing stuff before too.
He’s not a bad man, he’s so wonderful. I just can’t be so stressed over things that need to be done if he’s not getting a second job. There, I said it.
Post # 3
He doesn’t know how to do household chores? Has he ever lived away from his mother or you?
Those rare people that don’t learn things like laundry and dishes as kids or teens get their crash course when they go to school or get their first apartment. The “don’t know how” stuff seems like a lame excuse.
Sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 4
i’m glad you came to this decision! good luck with your talk! i agree, you can teach him how- then he always knows how and those things he learns to do can be his chores.. also there are easier chores like vacuuming, dusting, picking things up around the house, running errands.. hopefully it gets better!
Post # 5
@Jeannine @ Small Chic:
He has lived on his own with some room mates..I’m not sure how that situation was. And his mom is kind of smothering with her mothering. She does everything and never taught him those thing. It makes me frustrated but I need to do the best I can. He hasn’t gone to a university away, just a local college.
Post # 6
My hubby and I were like that before we got married, I basically did everything around the house and I worked more hours than him and he actually knew how to do A LOT around the house. I was just used to being the one doing everything since I had raised my 2 younger sisters. We got into a routine of him doing almost nothing and me doing everything I could. I started to feel like u are now, maybe a little more, I was pissed that he hadn’t even thought to help… but I did sit down and talk with him about how I felt and he said he hadn’t even realized that I was doing so much… out of sight out of mind. Since I was keeping everything in order he didn’t even think that it was getting stressful. Talk to ur Fiance because u will begin to resent him. I’m sorry u feel this way but after a good heart to heart things should pick up!
Post # 7
I know it’s hard to bring it up but you have to let him know how you feel and what you expect. They don’t always know, and sometimes they forget. As life changes and situations change your feelings and expectations may change. He may not be aware of that happening. You can’t just tell him one time. It takes ongoing communication.
Men don’t respond well to angry tones. They clam up. So try to speak calmly. And, when he does something you appreciate, let him know it! Who doesn’t like compliments?
Post # 8
@SweetRose2011: Ah…sounds a little co-dependent. She wants him to “need” her, so she never taught him to do things on his own.
I think you’re very smart to address this now. When you two are out on your own, you need to have boundaries about the division of work (and where his mother can be involved!).
Post # 9
Mr. Dear says “I don’t know how” about folding clothes… then says I do it faster because I’ve had more practice. Hello?? Can you hear yourself, you batty fiance?
Post # 10
My Fiance is similar. We lived at his parents until we finished college, and bought our first place the following fall. His Mom has always done everything (cooking, cleaning, laundry, made the bed, put his clothes away – etc), and when we lived there, she would have EVERYTHING done before either of us got home rom work/school.
We’ve lived on our own for 1.5 years, and it’s still an everyday battle. I’ve gotten him to empty the dishwasher, and sometimes he vacuums (sometimes..). We each have our own sink in the bathroom, and he never cleans his (I have to clean it when I see things GROWING on it). We’ve had some serious talks, and fights about it. It was one thing when I wasn’t working full time, but now that I am, someone else needs to help out.
I’ve started slowly teaching him things – like the other day, I was cleaning the bathroom. I made him get off the computer and clean his sink. Yes, I forced him off, but he did it (grumpy about it). I bought Clorox wipes, and told him to just wipe it down a few times a week, or at least once a week. Hopefully, that will help. Laundry.. don’t get me started – he can’t do laundry (he never has in his life), and his ability to fold clothes looks like a pile of trash. Plus, he’s the only one that wears dress shirts, and he cannot iron to save his life. I put a steamer on our registry.. maybe he can at least use that.
One thing I do now is ask for something in return. You want your shirts iron? Well I want a 10 minute massage, or you to watch the dogs for an hour so I can have some peace (they are so annoying sometimes, as they are young). It makes me feel a little bit better… until I decide I want to take a bath, and the dog he’s supposed to be watching joins me in the tub. Yes, it happens.. everytime I use the master bath tub.
Post # 11
@helenberrycrunch: I wish this site had a”like” button
Post # 12
This is a good conversation to have. Im glad you have come to realize that you have to have it! Guys just dont care as much as women do (at least most don’t) so they don’t think to just help out by doing small things. I had a million conversations with my husband before we were married and he never really got it. Then I finally told him that having a messy house stresses me out but I can’t do everything because I just don’t have the time or energy and he actually got it. Once we got married he started helping out with things a lot more. Even though I may have to ask him – now its only once where as before it was 2-3 times and it was frustrating!! I hope the conversation goes well for you 🙂
Post # 13
@SweetRose2011: Good for you for coming to that realization (and early). Mr.ND lived with his folks through college, and I swear, his father and he never had to lift a finger. I truly taught him last month how to do his laundry, what shirts and ties and pants look good together, etc.
Thankfully, he realizes that he really doesn’t know a lot about these things that he’s never been asked/given a chance to learn, so he’s been really easy to approach about picking up new tasks. I hope that your Fiance is the same. And like one of the PPs said, approach it in a non-accusatory way (believe me, I was biting my tongue OFF when his mom would come into his room to get laundry), and hopefully he’ll be quick on the uptake.
Post # 14
Oof. Yeah it would be different if the rolls were reversed… if you were the one only working part time and he was bringing home the bacon. That’s how Fiance and I were for quite some time. My contribution was keeping the house and cooking the food, all of it, as he was the main contributor with finances.
Are you also planning on confronting him about the job situation? I think it should probably be a part of that convo. You deserve to have a better idea of what he’s thinking/planning/working on when it comes to his career, especially when you’re having concerns about finances and the future, ya know?
Post # 15
Omg @PitBulLover, youre so right about that. He just doesn’t need to to be nearly as neat as I do. I lthink I just want it clean and neat. And he think I’m being crazy and over the top. He thinks a little dust and dust balls in the corner is OK, and a dirty stove is fine cause its for being used and the house is suppoesd to be lived in, and thinks what I want it to look like is a model home. Lived in to me does not mean dust and stuff I can actually see, and a disgusting looking stove.. I just want things clean. Thank goodness we dont share a bathroom right now so I dont see how dirty his gets.
Good luck with your talk OP. A problem I ran into when Fiance start doing things I asked, was not liking the way he did things… cause it wasnt the way I would have done it and of course between me and Fiance, *insert semi jokingly tone haha* my way was better. He didn’t take very well to it.. there was a bunch of… you asked me to do it, I’m doing it! vs you should be doing blah like THIS instead! exchanges. So careful with how you approach it when (not if.. hahaha) he does a chore and you dont like the way he approached it or the job he did.
Post # 16
My husband is generally great about these things. In fact, now, he’s usually the one to do the dishes and cook dinner. When we first started dating, he told me once that “I did the dishes for you.” I just looked at him and said “No. You did them for us.” It seems like kind of a trite response, but after a while of him doing chores “for me,” it kind of got the point across that running the house is a team activity.
I’m sorry. That’s not exactly helpful. Talking to your Fiance now (and actually creating change) will be well worth it in the long run.