(Closed) I've decided to leave my fiance. Need support.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@anonbee3333:  He started CBT and latched right on; he absolutely LOVED IT. He was discharged after several weeks and they are having him go to substance abuse counseling now since he was mis-using Xanax. He hates it so we might look for another CBT therapist for him. What’s even more frustrating is that I’m a psychologist, but I can’t be a therapist to him and he doesn’t like when I give him recommendations. I REALLY hope my Fiance doesn’t quit and regress.

Post # 18
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@anonbee3333:  Wow this is really a tough decision!! I too am 24 years old and I honestly think that this is too much to handle at this age. 

This point in the relationship is supposed to be the awesome times you look back on after you are married for 20 years. If it is so tough right now what will happen when mid-life crisis comes?

I think you will be happier moving on and I wish you all the best when you give him the letter.

You will find someone amazing and you will look on this decision as the best you’ve ever made.

Post # 19
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you have to go through all of this.  You gave it your all to make things work, but he couldn’t do the same.  It’s better to leave now than to go through with the wedding.  Now is the time to focus on yourself for a bit.  Find some new hobbies, meet new people, and pamper yourself.  You will absolutely pull through this.

Post # 20
Member
3789 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

@anonbee3333:  YES! absolutely! you need to learn how to meet the needs of others while still looking after yourself. It’s a lot easier to do when your single, and good for you for reading those books. Sounds like you’re already making big strides towards finding that all important balance. I had to learn how to balance my needs with the needs of EVERYONE else while dating my now Fiance and it was really tough. The first part of our realtionship was me looking after everyone and then all of a sudden I became important too. It was hard, but now my needs are being met and i like myself and my life for the first time in a long time. Take it one step at time, you’ll have hard days and easy days. After a while you’ll look back and the hard days will be few and far between. i hope that point comes quickly for you. I hope you have lots of friends and family to surround yourself with who make you feel good. that always helps me.

Post # 21
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Nona99:  +1, exactly this. Don’t focus on the finish line, but on who you are running with.

Post # 22
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I glanced over the responses and can only add this: you amazed me at your willingness to work through something very  hard and quite open ended (in my opinion) with little to no thought for your personal needs {I won’t even add the whole you’re only 24 thing and how I’d have cut and run at that age thing}.  I commend you and challenge you to find someone who gives as much to you for the two of you — you, for sure, deserve it. 

Post # 23
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@anonbee3333:  When one door closes, another opens. It will be ok and so will your Fiance. You need to find someone who can’t wait to be married to you. It seems you really tried, and if you’ve done all you could then that is what it is. You can force someone to love you or marry you, so you are making the best decision based off of that.

Good luck.

Post # 24
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@anonbee3333:  it really does sound like you are making the right choice for you.  that’s what’s really important.  they hardest part is making that decision to leave.  you have done this. 

you are still young and “starting over” will not be as difficult as you think.  it won’t be easy emotionally but time heals.  trust me, a lot of bees have gone through this.  i “started over” at 42.  it was something that needed to be done but not easy to initiate.  once i made the decision, it got the ball rolling.  from there, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.  honestly, there was this true sense of relief.  what a great feeling.

you should be enjoying your life.  set yourself some goals.  keep your busy.  join some new clubs and meet some new friends.

Post # 25
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Prayers and thoughts go out to you!!

Post # 26
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Sending you hugs and love as you go through this difficult time <3

I am 25 and I just left my husband of 2 years when I found out he was having an affair… I didn’t pressure him into an engagement either and thought his surprise proposal and my own willingness to do everything I could to save the marriage was enough, but it takes two people working every day on the relationship for it to actually work.  You are 100% doing the right thing by getting out of this before you are legally bound to him.  Good luck, godspeed, sending you warm fuzzy thoughts.

Post # 27
Member
25 posts
Newbee

@anonbee3333:  There is a really wonderful novel called “The Marriage Plot” by Eugenides (same guy who wrote Middlesex, if you know that book) that you might really enjoy/relate to/find vindicating!  Wishing you strength.

Post # 28
Member
2278 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁 The other PP’s are right — you are going to find someone who is 1000% sure they do want to marry you ♥

Post # 29
Member
8037 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

You are very wise at age 24!

It will be ok. I think it’s good that you’ve done all you can… so you won’t look back and ask yourself “what if”.

I hope your Fiance finds the help he needs… but it shouldn’t be your duty to fix him. You just can’t.

Post # 30
Member
1484 posts
Bumble bee

@anonbee3333:  keep your chin up! you can only make decisions based on the information you have at the time, and you made the best desicion. He was unwilling to help himself, your relationship with you and he wasn’t even sure he wanted to marry you. Those are excellent reasons to not get married. What would your future REALLY have looked like? Not good i guess based on the current situation, you made the right choice.

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