Post # 1
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse
So apparently my SIL and BIL can’t say no to anyone because we now have someone living with us for a month. I know him and have hung out with him when we lived in his town but now he is here…on our pullout sofa. We also recently got a roommate which is DH and BIL’s best friend which isn’t too big of a deal because he is quiet and helps out. This guy that is staying with us is like a 6’5″ man and has his SHIT everywhere downstairs. I really don’t feel comfortable in my own home. I am now looking for a place to rent. I knew this was going to happen with him coming but for me to actually see his stuff downstairs really PISSES ME OFF. I told my roommates that I am not comfortable with it and they’re like “It’s only for a month”…I’m like ya right! This guy is definitely going to stay longer because he’s with his friends.His wife is away on a trip so he’s staying with us even though he could stay with his mother. He is getting a temporary job at the place DH and I work. He is jobless even tho his town that he lives in has a MILLION more other jobs than here, he still chooses to stay here.
I walked in the door and put an imaginary gun to my head.
Can’t handle that no one gives a shit about my feelings in this house. DH says he doesn’t know what to say because he and BIL are all about “good karma” and “helping a friend out”. You can help a friend out on your own time…but not whenever there are 5 people in the home already. If our landlord comes by he’s going to be pissed.
Post # 2
Member
45551 posts
Honey Beekeeper
FutureMrsB123: The thing that concerns me is not that no one gives a shit about my feelings in this house, but that your DH doesn’t.
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Post # 3
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse
julies1949: Oh poo! My husband is superrr caring. I should’ve clarified that no one does BUT DH. He doesn’t know what to do because I just got a job and we haven’t been able to save up yet. DH didn’t have family but he always had his friends as his family. I’m not as close with friends as I am my family…so his view on it is different in that way too. He takes care of his friends because they were his only family :/
Post # 4
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
FutureMrsB123: I definitely understand where you’re coming from! I’m in almost the exact same boat and believe me, in my experience 1 month will be extended to a year! Don’t let that happen. Keep making your feelings known and don’t let this houseguest overstay his welcome. Make sure he gets a job and contributes to his living expenses while he’s there.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 5
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
FutureMrsB123: While not the exact situation as you, I do know how you feel. My FI is just as caring and believing in good karma. We are now stuck going to work thirty minutes early to pick up a co-worker because FI opened his big heart(and big mouth!) and we can’t even enjoy our lunch break because he comes along for that, too. I resent it deeply, and while the guy is generally a nice person, if you give him an inch he WILL take a mile. I’ve lectured FI several times in the past month about this and finally YELLED at him that if HE won’t put his foot down and risk looking like a bad guy, then I will because I have absolutely no problem looking like the bad guy in front of someone taking advantage of generousity.
Sadly, I’ve only won one battle so far. FI was loaning him $20 every week and that was the last straw. I told him this stops NOW. I WILL say something if you won’t.
In a situation like this, you just might have to be the bad guy…
Tell this guy to pick up his shit and treat your house with respect if he’s going to stay with you.
Post # 6
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse
ren89: I have a feeling he doesn’t have to “contribute” anything. I’m pretty sure BIL and SIL probably told him not to worry about it. BIL and SIL are on the lease and we’re not..thank god..but we moved in together at the same time with the same thing in mind (save money) . Thankfully our utilities and rent are being split 3 ways since we have our other roommate but this guy is being a bum. He’s a 30 some year old man who apparently can’t find a job or a home for some reason. I did both of those things 5 states away from family and friends when I was 18 years old!! He has even made remarks when coming over in the past that he has “his room”. I think he’s probably upset that we have our other roommate in “his room”..which was never and never planned to be “his room”. It was our game room for a while until current roommate moved in. He and his wife have a super weird relationship. They do things apart from one another like single people do. He will like come here and visit but she will stay home even though she doesn’t have a job. It’s really bizarre. If my husband was going on a trip he would never leave me out.
Floofy: Ugh why do we have such kind hearted men? Why can’t they be cold like us? Haha! I just don’t have a tolerance for people walking all over me and using me for stuff because with my ex-it was just like that. I was 100% a doormat and I’m not ever going to be anyone’s doormat ever again. I’m not afraid to tell people no. That sucks you can’t enjoy your lunches together! That would be important to me too. DH and I just got married in April so we haven’t been able to feel like “newlyweds” what so ever. I told DH that I kind of feel like he’s picking his friends over me and it hurts my feelings and if he ever felt the way I do , I would sure as hell find a way to fix it. I might just have to tell DH, OK we’re saving up money,we’re gonna find a place, and we’re moving out..you can come if you want. I have voiced my opinion about this since the beginning of this year. It’s time for me to move out. The lease is up in October but our name isn’t on it and this guy that’s staying for “a month” will most likely move in and has voiced he wants to.
It’s really just getting out of hand.
Post # 7
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
FutureMrsB123: I get it. My husband’s 45 year old “mom” has been living with us since October. She contributes nothing, barely works, and has her own room. Which I would love to use for storage (at least the closet) until DH’s son is back living with us. But no, I can’t even go in there to clean up the soda cans she leaves all over because it’s “her” room.
Some people are just bums and I sometimes hate how kind and sweet and generous my husband is. Makes me feel cold and heartless for wanting her gone. Anyway, if you need to commiserate with someone, I am your go to gal because, yep, I totally understand!
Post # 8
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse
ren89: Haha thank GOODNESS! No one seems to understand how I feel! I was pretty much an only child and never had to share anything. I had my own room, my own little closet/playroom and my own bathroom. So from going to living by myself for 18 years, to living with only one other person, then to living with 6 people…it’s a big stretch for me!
That’s pretty shitty that she’s not even working and just bumming. It makes me feel like a bad person too but when I explain to other people how many people I live with and they’re like and you’re a newlywed/married? They are 100% on my side about everything. It sounds ridiculous to an outsiders point of view! If someone told me that I would be like get the F*** outta there!
Post # 9
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
FutureMrsB123: It sounds like you’ll have to. I’m so sorry. 🙁 Maybe you moving out will be a wakeup call that his partner’s feelings come first! He sounds like a very kind person but what sometimes happens is a nice person will bend over backwards not to wrong say, a friend, or a distant relative or something, but they end up hurting their closest loved ones. I think they just think that you’ll be more understanding, ect. A wake up call is needed.
I’ve told my FI when things like this have gotten out of hand that I don’t feel he has my back. Sometimes it hurts to hear that, but it needs to be said so the problem can be FIXED. Fortunately for me, my FI did realize in his effort to please everyone else, he was being an ass to me and corrected the behavior. He’s not 100% there, he probably will never will be and that’s ok. He’s asked me that when I feel he’s being a doormat to people, I say something to him, and like I said, I have NO problems being the bad guy.
I sincerely hope your DH follows you and you leave this whole mess behind you, but if the behavior itself isn’t corrected then I’m afraid it will happen elsewhere, an entirely different situation. There’s a difference between being a kind, generous person and a doormat. Doing something nice for someone should not compromise your partner’s happiness. You should walk away with a good feeling, not like you’ve wronged someone else. Your DH sees your unhappiness with the situation and he wants to fix it, right? Tell him how, that you want to move somewhere else with him.
As for this leech(because sorry, he’s a fucking leech if he’s contributing nothing and he’s disrespecting your property), honestly I’d let those other kind souls deal with him. I’d have enough of that nonsense, too. He can’t even do housework or help cook to show his gratitude? You don’t have to have MONEY to contribute, you can help care for a home. It sounds like he’s just a slob.
Post # 10
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse
So I look on the fridge today and there is a note with our utilities on it that DH’s sister wrote (which is the norm) but wrote a note on it saying “next time budget accordingly so we won’t be late on our bills ( we were late because we were relying on DH’s ONE paycheck because I hadn’t worked at my past job for a couple of weeks since she was closing so I didn’t have an extra $80 dollars for bills)and here are the days everyone gets paid (we work at the same place so we all get paid the same day) so we shouldn’t be late. We (AS IN HER F-ING HUSBAND BECAUSE SHE DOESNT HAVE A JOB) get paid on August 1st so we shouldnt be late on rent.
Kiss my ass.
Love her like a sister, but I HATE her as a roommate/nazi leader.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by MrsB08.
Post # 11
Member
45551 posts
Honey Beekeeper
FutureMrsB123: How are you going to afford a place on your own when you can’t pay your share of the utilities on time?
Post # 12
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse
julies1949: Because I literally got a job that same week and hadn’t gotten paid yet. I’m back on track now.
Post # 13
Member
956 posts
Busy bee
I would write back “maybe if we didn’t have non paying roommates our bills would be lower”.
Post # 14
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
Wait… so de 30-ish old dude has a wife… but doesnt have a home? how is that? or maybe i read something wrong…
But yeah, the bum has to pay too, he’s eating everyones food and all for free? what the hell.
Post # 15
Member
9 posts
Newbee
FutureMrsB123: I’ve been in your position before, I know exactly how you feel! The best advice I can give is to sort it out straight away before it depresses you/drives you mad – I ended up crying every day before I went home and no one should have to deal with that.
Put your foot down, be honest, and don’t take sh*t from anyone 😛 don’t feel bad – you deserve respect and understanding for doing such a good thing 🙂
sorry I can’t be more help, but everyone here has pretty much given amazing advice/support already hehe
