(Closed) “Ive had it with this bm

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: what should i do
    drop her : (17 votes)
    50 %
    drop her and the friendship : (6 votes)
    18 %
    ignore it and hope it gets better : (11 votes)
    32 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1428 posts
    Bumble bee

    That’s hard because you’ve been friends for so long….BUT…my short story…I have 2 BFF’s…one is married with kids…one has NEVER had a boyfriend. Because I’ve been engaged before, I know that BOTH of them are there for me and supportive of me. It sounds like you all have some ups and downs, which we have with friends from time to time, but it seems like she has already decided that your wedding is her down time. I would ask her to step down, talk with her, let her know that you see that she’s uncomfortable…give her a graceful “out”.
    You don’t need to end your friendship (unless you feel like you want to), but I don’t think she’s going to be the Bridesmaid or Best Man you want her to be….so giving her an out might be the best thing.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2289 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    I agree with happilywaiting. Giving her a graceful out is probably one of the best things that you can do.

    I’m in a similar situation right now. When I got engaged, one of my best friends was also less than thrilled (“I just don’t like it when my friends have boyfriends”). But she’s been one of my best friends for a long time, so I asked her to be a co-MOH, to which she replied that I should probably only have one. Long story short, it’s a mess.

    It sounds like she actually does have some jealousy issues. In my situation, my Bridesmaid or Best Man has a boyfriend and is as crazy about him as I am for my fiance and they are also planning on getting engaged. But she also seems to have some selfishness issues (see the above quoted comment) which is nothing new.

    In your case it could be that she is having a hard time letting go of you, and also some jealousy that here you are engaged and happy even with your circumstances, and she’s still in the planning stages. Regardless, I think she’s definitely out of line especially given the year that you’ve had (my deepest condolences on your loss, by the way). It also seems (duh, I know) that she’s not very enthusiastic about your wedding, and you need as much enthusiasm as there is right now! Your Maid/Matron of Honor sounds like a gem!

    Don’t worry, this will sort itself out! Smile

    Post # 5
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I voted for ‘ignore it’ b/c that’s what I would do. Just ignore her. Better yet, ask one of your other bridesmaids to kind of babysit her so she doesn’t bother you on your wedding day. Put her last in the lineup. She wants attention at any cost and is looking for negative attention, it’s the same thing little children do.

    Most likely she will snap out of it after the wedding, but you don’t want her to ruin your day.

    Post # 6
    Member
    55 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    I voted for ‘ignore it’ because I think sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of why we chose our bridesmaids in the first place. After the wedding is over, I’m sure you’ll still want her in your life after 10 years of friendship.

    Post # 7
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee

    I gave one of my friends a graceful out. In our situation it worked out for the best. She has so much on her plate right now and adding my wedding would have been too much. She completely flaked on me 3 times, I was hurt (and angry).. I called and talked with her and said I understand she has too much going on, I would never make her feel guilty for not being able to be a bridesmaid right now. I told her I know she loves me and would love to be in my wedding, it is just bad timing for her. We both decided together that we would rather remain friends and have her not be a bridesmaid than keep trying to do the bridesmaid thing and both of us getting so mad at each other that we ended the friendship.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    7082 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2009

    She is probably a little jealous, and since your name indicates that you come from a faith based background, I think the charitable thing to do would be to either talk it out with her or just try to be understanding.

    This is probably about her hurting for one reason or another… Please don’t add to that hurt.  I’m a big proponent of the idea that if you asked someone to be in your wedding, then you should stick with that decision… and *believe me* I know from first hand experience that it is not easy to walk that walk!  I understand that it is also hurtful for you, but since you are the one getting married, you are probably also more mature 🙂

    Post # 10
    Member
    31 posts
    Newbee

    I would rethink your friendship with her. If it’s been bad for a while, is it even worth the effort? I had a friend like that and I just stopped talking to her. And I felt SOOO much better, no more stress and worrying about what she was going to tear down. But my friend was truly nasty and didn’t care that I had almost broken up with my bf of 3 years and any problem I had she felt that she had to one up it. So you need to think about what kind of relationship you have with this girl. Do you want to keep her as a friend? I would definately give her an easy out of your wedding because it sounds like she doesn’t want to be there either way. So I definately know where you are coming from and you need a hug for having to deal with that when you are planning your wedding which is going to be an absolutely wonderful day for you!

    Post # 12
    Member
    407 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    i voted “drop her” but think you should give her the option to opt out of the wedding. It sounds like you have a LOT going on right now and perhaps she does too. Maybe she’s not as well able to deal with taking on a lot of things and being a part of the wedding is overwhelming her. If you give her the option to just be a guest, perhaps this would lighten her load and she could be the friend that you need her to be.  

    Post # 14
    Member
    349 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I’m not usually the type of person who will condone kicking people out of a wedding party, but ever since my Fiance and I had to do it, I’m actually more okay with it under extenuating circumstances.

    We had to ask two of our groomsmen to leave. It’s a long story, but it came down to them being completely disrespectful in a way we couldn’t possibly have even imagined and left us high and dry after we purchased their wedding day attire with the promise to pay us back in a few months (which they never did). It was awful, and as much as we wanted to put it all aside and just get through the wedding with them, we finally faced the fact that it was literally ruining our wedding planning. Everything became about them and how awful they were, and it was a constant source of stress. My Fiance finally talked to them, and it was mutually decided that they not be in our wedding. Let me tell you, it’s been smooth sailing since! One of the best wedding decisions we made!

    Honestly, I would drop this girl, and probably, the friendship will fizzle. It’s sad, but it happens. Like I said, I’m not usually one to advocate dropping wedding party members, and I usually advice people, “Once you ask, you’re stuck honoring that decision,” but she sounds like a piece of work!

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