(Closed) I’ve heard different ways to approach this, but I still don’t know.

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@kittymouse: I would respectfully bow out and tell her that due to your current financial situation, you are unable to pay for the items she requested.  You would still like to come as a guest.

She has to respect your financial situation and can’t assume everyone  can pay for everything.  I always ask my Bridesmaid or Best Man first if they are comfortable with whatever i choose because I don’t want it to be burden on them.

Post # 4
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with Ms. Sparkles.  I would bow out as well. 

Post # 5
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@FranksMama: Yep, I agree too. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. I hope she’ll understand.

Post # 6
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree.  Tell her that as much as you’d love to, you don’t know that you can’t do it financially.  Or, you can agree to the expense of the dress, but tell her that you will be doing your own hair and makeup and will be wearing shoes that you already own.  Perhaps this is a good compromise?

Post # 7
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

๐Ÿ™ That sucks, I’m sorry. You haven’t added in costs for alterations yet, either. ๐Ÿ™

I guess you just have to bring up with her what you’re comfortable spending and let her know that’s all you can afford. (And reinforce that you’d love to be able to spend the money, but you simply can’t afford it.)

Good luck! She has to be aware that you don’t have a job…

Post # 8
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I would offer to bow out as well. However, be honest as to why you are bowing out. Perhaps, she will offer to change some of her choices, or help out a little bit.

Post # 10
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My inside voice is telling her to get a grip and if she’s going to go that over-board she’s paying it herself….

But if you can and say it more politely. I think that’s absolutly crazy like I know poeple can go nuts with weddings but she has no right to be doing that, it’s your job since you are incharge of the money.

Post # 11
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would explain your circumstances to her; just like you did here. If she doesn’t understand, then she is not a very good friend, and you can go from there. If she flips out, in my opinion, I wouldn’t consider her a friend.

Post # 13
10 posts

omg — are you ME?? i just bailed out of a wedding for the same reason (her wedding is in nyc, her bach is in vegas, her bridal shower is in mexico… seriously???) — and truth be told, as gentle as i was about EVERYTHING, we are no longer friends. she took me bailing out of the wedding extremely personal, even though it only had to do with money. she’s since deleted me on fb and even revoked my invitation as a guest.

the truth is now i KNOW we were never friends to begin with — simply because she didn’t even try to understand. i truly hope your siutation turns out better than mine. just keep in mind that you should definitely do it sooner than later.

all the best!

Post # 14
1231 posts
Bumble bee

 I would tell her that financially you just can’t afford an expensive dress you’ll never wear again, hair and make up that you may end up redoing yourself and a train ticket to debtland. (Feel free to edit parts of that!) ๐Ÿ™‚ Honestly, just tell her its too expensive, if you were financially stable you would love to be there for her (even if she’s being crazy with spending).

If she gets mad at you for that, then she wasn’t a very good friend anyway.

Post # 15
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I would tell her your situation, and tell her what your price points are. It’s not fair for her to just assume that everyone can pay $400 for a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress… it’s not like they’re the bride. Because she chose this before discussing the budget with all her BMs, you can feel free to let her know your constraints. If she is not willing to budge or work with you… I would kindly tell her that you can’t afford to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and that you are stepping out of that position. No hard feelings… but you just can’t afford it!

Post # 16
336 posts
Helper bee

I would politely offer to bow out; explain that you can’t afford all the extra costs, offer to compromise (your own makeup/hair/shoes, as one PP suggested) but if she won’t budge then decline to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

I had a somewhat similar issue; not the cost of the dress in particular or anything, but my friend is getting married and was considering a cruise wedding (the whole week before Thanksgiving!) so travel/cruise/BM costs were going to run well into the thousands, which I cannot afford right now. I let her know as much, but the details weren’t final then so she was supposed to let me know what they decided on. I found out through FB…she hasn’t talked to me since that conversation, even to say “hey we’re having a local wedding after all.” 

Anywho the point of that long explanation was to be prepared for her response- it really could go either way. But it is still so important to just be honest, no matter how she takes it or what she does. I hope you get something worked out!

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