I've lost control of my wedding

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

My fiance has been doing his best to put his foot down. I think he is being a little more leniant on this because he does not feel as strongly as I do with the whole adults only things.

And here is your main problem.  You and he are NOT on the same page.  If you were, this wouldn’t have spun out of your control to the point where a guest gets to dictate your guest list.

You and Fiance need to have a discussion about supporting each other’s decisons no matter what…even if you don’t 100% agree with those decisions.  That’s how boundaries get made and how they should be enforced.   So I will say that what we bee’s usually say….you don’t have a Mother-In-Law problem or a guest problem, you have an Fiance problem and a people pleaser problem.    

Post # 17
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee

By allowing some children you have ditched the “adults only” wedding, so let it go as you are sending mixed signals now as you respond to these requests. Now, you have a guest list control issue. Number 1, you and your fiance need to get on the same page about this. Number 2, he should be dealing with his side and conveying the approved message you both decide. 

Remember, “No” is a complete sentence. 

Post # 18
Member
5859 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Personally, this would be the situation where I’d embrace Bride-zilla boundaries. This would be my hill to die on and I would let Future Mother-In-Law know that ANYONE calling and screaming about ANYTHING is automatically deleted from the list. Period. That’s it. Conversation over. Shouldn’t have even told me about that shit. Entitled bitch and her granddaughter can keep their asses home and find something else to do. And good day.

Post # 19
Member
11600 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

chocolateplease :   Etiquette doesn’t agree that children, like adults, can’t properly be invited by category. By definition that means there should be no mixed signals. There has never been anything wrong with inviting only immediate family children and no others, only children of siblings but not cousins, only family etc. 

If someone does get upset based on entitlement, misinformation, or ignorance then that’s their own problem. The large majority of weddings I attend include close family children only. 

I agree with the rest. 

Post # 20
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee

weddingmaven :  uh ok? By inviting some children, the wedding is effectively then not adults only. That’s fine. OP just needs to be clear as she handles these requests going forward bc if someone was told it’s adults only and they show up and there are kids, there will be hurt feelings/confusion guaranteed. It’s not an etiquette issue. This is a boundary issue. 

Post # 21
Member
1753 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

chocolateplease :  we invited family kids but not friends kids. This was because most family had to travel and it was no problem. No one was hurt that their kids weren’t invited. There is no problem drawing the kid line at family. And saying “No” to those that ask 

Post # 22
Member
11600 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

chocolateplease :   OP’s plans changed, so you are right that it’s no longer “adults only.” It was foolish to announce it that way at all since invitations are meant to be inclusive, not exclusive. All they have to say to anyone with the nerve to question them now is that children in the family are the only exceptions.

Post # 23
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

You, no actually your fiance needs to put his foot down!

My sister threw a tantrum because we were having a kids free wedding. My nieces aged 7 & 9 weren’t invited and 5 year old nephew. My sister declined the wedding invitation and said she would just come to the ceremony. 

She did end up coming to reception but left early. She knew I wasn’t backing down. She got the wedding she wanted and we were entitled to the same. In the end my brother in law stayed home with the kids. Really sad actually.  

I got called by my parents daily, begging me to change my mind. My parents tried to find babysitters but my sister wouldn’t budge. When she got married 11 years ago, there were no kids to invite. She didnt even invite some of my dad’s siblings so you bet kids wouldn’t have been on the list..

Why do people always cause drama around wedidngs and make it about them?!

So sorry bee.

Post # 25
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

gunnabamissus :  The last wedding I went to had around 70-75 people and the only two children there were the groom’s niece and nephew, and in the wedding…..their baby sister didn’t even come.

Why would someone pay $30 a head for Kraft mac and cheese and a temper tantrum for a kid who’s not even related.

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 26
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

I have said it once and I will say it again, when you accept other people’s money to pay for your day, then you are giving them a say so. 

You shouldnt have accepted her money, you should have stuck to no kids at all. You cant include some and exclude others.

By accepting Future Mother-In-Law money you put yourself in a position to be beholden to some of her whims. 

Not directed at you specifically OP, but when are people going to learn that when people control the money, they get to control some of the choices. 

Post # 27
Member
3462 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Of course you can invite some kids and not others. Weddings are invitation-only events. And only those invited (regardless of their age) are entitled to attend. This should be very simple to understand and I’m not sure why some folks act like it’s rocket science. Because I invited my second cousin who happens to be a marine biologist, it’s not technically a “marine biologist free” wedding, but that doesn’t mean that every marine biologist in my entire extended circle of family and friends-of-friends is automatically allowed to come. It is no different with children. 

Post # 28
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I don’t think you’ve lost control of anything yet….and you don’t have to!

You’re wedding is in a few months, the more people and changes you make the worse it’s going to get, the whole wedding could end up being changed and IMO it’s just too late. I married my husband 20 years ago and had a 2nd wedding a few years ago. His family tried every trick  in the book. They didn’t want to bother looking at venues with us since it was ‘so early’ and they were plenty rude about it. Insinuating to my husband that odds were the wedding would never happen, so don’t get carried away. over time they made it clear they had no intention of contributing in any fashion.

the next things happen all the time, I realized with planning our 2nd ceremoy….

fast forward to 2 months before the wedding suddenly Husband’s dad and grandma have opinions on everythign they refused to discuss while it was actually being planned and booked! Suddenly they don’t like our park civic site for wedding and reception, they claim that a chicken only menu is non traditional (what a joke!) and against eqquitte- my Father-In-Law wanted red meat was the point!  They didn’t like our themed reception, they didn’t like that our cake wasn’t going to be plain white like husband’s  brother’s wedding. Husbands brother hated that cake! wasn’t happy about a lot of other changes he let the family make either. The closer the wedding got, the more mad husband’s family  family got that we weren’t ‘cooporating ‘ with them to plan a ‘proper’ wedding.

Even if we wanted to give them their way it was way too late. They tried every trick in the book to get their way. We got letters telling us it was just so sad that I wasn’t raised well enough to value family. that statement alone did it for my husband. Even if I had wanted to budge there was no way in heck he was going to bow down to demands.  Paternal grandmother even went so far as to tell husband’s aunt and other family that the wedding was canceled and that we were going to have another wedding later there would be time to have a proper wedding….with her financial and planning help. we didn’t know this part until after the wedding unfortunately  

As selfish as we maybe were, I really don’t regret it. Other than themed weddings being considered tacky by many critics at the time, we really didn’t do anything that out of line. We bent the etiquette rules a bit, but even then those rules that we bent have changed a lot now.  We worded our invite in a way that listed us as the hosts, which was true. The parents weren’t listed at all, and my parents didn’t care. Husband’s mother understood, at least she told us so at the time. Though my parents were best friends, they were divorced at the time of the wedding and husband’s parents were divorced since husband was  in kindergarten. With all the step parents and Newly divorced parents we decided to just not list parents on the invite but give all parents special roles and readings in the wedding ceremony. Paternal grandmother didn’t like that either.

Father-In-Law sent letters and made phone calls stating that he would not attend if we didn’t make reasonable changes as anyone who really cared about family would do. He said he’d make sure his family didnt’ attend either. Paternal grandmother followed suit and sent a letter saying she wasn’t coming.

When it comes to weddings everyone wants their way and will go into a state of denial that they are going to get it. Since as it turned out, Husband’s aunt did believe the wedding was canceled so she wasn’t there. Perhaps she would have not come anyway, who knows? Husband’s dad and grandmother  really did believe that the wedding would be canceled either way, so they woudn’t be missing anything. They didn’t show.

Husband’s brother/best man showed up at the wedding, so did my family. Since we stuck to our guns, we got the wedding we wanted with all our close friends who helped us so much through all of this.

The fact that we got our wedding our way was never the point we just weren’t going to be threatened. Many friends and family members told us about stories like yours and mine where some relative is hurt because someone else is upset. Everyone  takes it personally when their grand kid isn’t going to be invited, they want their kid to be the flower-girl, Maid/Matron of Honor, you name it they want it. Friends and family that all gave in to family demands all regretted it. Wished they had stood their ground or eloped. Not only because their memories of the day were affected, but they feel that because they gave in then, said family thought they would get their way later on when it came to holiday dinners, activities with kids that came into the family, all kinds of things.

Husband’s grandma, dad and other family were totally sick that they missed the wedding and regretted it. Grandmother was in hot water for telling people the wedding was canceled. Husband’s grandmother eventually told me later that she made a mistake, she wished she had come to the wedding.  Told me that she did think that if she and her son said they weren’t coming that the wedding would be canceled and  it would just happen later. Not very realistic, but that was what her mind told her at the time.  Maybe it was because of the wedding, not sure, but family members have never assumed that we would do as we were pushed into after that. Maybe we are a stubborn, selfish couple, but I think it was all for the best.

I think you should not give in! I bet that relative that wants her granddaughter there so badly intends to make her a junior bridesmaid or something while she thinks there is still time.  Same thing happened to a inlaw- Realtive pushed to get certain people invited, then she pushed to get them into the wedding party and selected and ordered dresses for all the bridesmaids!

I’d stand your ground. Giving in is not going to go well IMO. Don’t kid yourself into thinking if you just do a few things then everyone will be happy. Those that are pushing you are selfish and they will probably never be pleased!

Not sure if it would do any good, but can you tell relatives that you are planning a special 1 years anniversary celebration and invite said people? Having such a thing could be nice, and maybe it will help some feel better. I wouldn’t bet on it, but you can show that you made a effort and your wedding won’t be ruined. Wish there was a magic way to fix this, but there never is. You are in a hard place because of relatives selfishness, not your own. Have your special day, and if people want to just stay home, let them.

I do suggest that you put it in writing (maybe a mass email) to said relatives that  are supposed to be in danger of not attending that you understand there are disappointments, but that they are invited and you want them to be there! Husband sent a email to his dad making it clear they were still invited, but we didn’t send anything to grandma or other relatives about it, thinking it would be best to keep it quiet. In hindsight, I wish we’d communicated  with everyone more about situation. We didn’t realize it had gone so far.

Take a deep breath, you can do this. can’t please everyone, it’s your day, you make it special the way you want it.

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