- 3 years ago
Hi all. New here, so prepare for a long one.
A little bit of background – I was previously married for 5 years and have a child from that marriage. When we divorced, I swore I would never get married again. He was controlling, it was hard to get out of the marriage, I still experience anger from both my family and his for ending the marriage, etc. Well, we all know how time changes things and more importantly, a person that walks in to your life unexpected can change things. So now here I am and I find myself desperately wanting to be married.
Now, my boyfriend has a completely different background that I – we are the same age, but he has no kids, never been married, he had never even lived with a girl before me, he is less than a year into the professional world, whereas I have been in my profession for about 6 years. We met on a dating site and he was not what I was looking for. I expected to find someone older, with kids, divorced. Well, when my boyfriend finally convinced me to go on a date with him, the rest was history. It was an instant connection and I knew I had found someone wonderful. We steamrolled into a relationship. He hadn’t dated in a few years, but he introduced me to his family within a month. We were in love immediately and looked for every possible moment to spend together.
I want to say about 4-5 months in, he was talking about weddings. I remember on the way to one of his friend’s weddings, he starting talking about everything he wanted at his wedding. It was the first time it felt like he was thinking about US getting married. Then he kept doing things that I thought indincated an engagement was on his mind. Such as sending me a snapchat of a jewelry case of diamond rings with the caption “Oh boy.” (Turns out he was picking up jewelry for a coworker.) Talking on multiple occassions about the type of wedding ring he would like, which I thought was fishing for what kind of ring I would like. But I always got nervous when the topic came up and changed the subject.
Another time, we had just moved in together, this is about 8 months into the relationship and a ring commercial comes on that says, “Guys, it’s engagement season.” And he looks at me and says “Uhoh!”
Fast forward to November and I started to get worried that he was going to propose on Christmas (which I didn’t want because the ex had done that and I had told my boyfriend as much). So one night at dinner, I brought up the subject of marriage. I asked him how far in the future did he see us getting married. His answer? WITHIN FIVE YEARS. I was devastated. (Let me say here that at the beginning of our relationship, he mentioned that he wanted a kid or two and I made sure to be very clear that I wanted to be DONE having children around 30. And I would not have children outside of marriage.) Five years puts me a few years past 30.
This started a long conversation where I discovered that he had not been planning to propose. He hadn’t really thought it was on the horizon yet. Who the hell throws out hinty stuff like that if they weren’t thinking about it!?! Am I right? I was very upset and he was upset that I was upset. But by the end of the conversation, he agreed that timeline was too long and he said he would like it to be more around 1.5 years. I made sure to let him know if that was the goal to get MARRIED by then, then he needed to realize that we needed to be engaged soon as the engagement needs to last a year or so. For planning and saving money purposes. It has been about 5 months since this conversation took place.
So Christmas went by and I thought he would maybe do it on my Birthday in January and our first big vacation. Nope. February for Valentine’s day? Nope. Our anniversary in February? Nope. I wasn’t too upset, because I figured it would be soon……….until a few weeks ago, he texts me with a, “You’ll never guess what happened. My brother just called me to tell me he is proposing to his girlfriend next weekend and he wants us to be there.” Talk about a knife to the heart. It would take too long to explain why this is so terrible, but I will just say that no one likes this girl. She is a kid who just graduated from high school, cheated on him, JUST had someone else’s kid, etc. So I would have been upset that he was planning to marry her period. But I was so incredibly upset because THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE US! I’m sitting around waiting for my boyfriend to propose and it’s happening for another family member. (And then someone else got engaged last week who has been in a relationship for 6 months)
This has made me feel so down, which caused another argument between us and yet more discussions. It’s not just that I want to be engaged for engagement’s sake. I want to be engaged because I felt like we were “there” a long time ago. We always talk about how our relationship feels so different and so much better than a lot of the people around us. Then why are they progressing and we aren’t?!
We both have admitted that this has just cast such a negative light on us getting engaged and I feel so sad about it. I feel like it’s my fault because I should have just sat back and never said a word. But then I would be upset in silence?!? I also feel like it’s his fault for giving the impression that it was in his plans, but I guess he doesn’t see it that way.
Anyway, I’m sorry for the long post…I just needed to vent. I don’t know how to make the negativity go away. Even just shutting up about it and waiting…I don’t know if that will help because I know myself and I know that I will feel upset the next time I hear of someone getting engaged or I have to here his brother’s damn girlfriend talking about it. I just don’t know what to do.