(Closed) I've made this such a negative experience.

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy

First, I want to thank you for using paragraphs. Now will actually go read it. Paragraphs are very important and I don’t care how interesting the topic, I won’t read it If it isn’t visually separated by paragraphs. It makes my eyes and head hurt. I know I’m not the only one!

Post # 3
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy

Sorry Bee. Nothing good can ever come from comparing your relationship (or even your “stuff”) to other people. It doesn’t make your love, relationship or commitment any less because of what other people around you are doing or not doing.

If you’ve both agreed on a 1.5 year timeline for engagement, then what’s the problem? If you are not satisfied, renegotiate the timeline mutually and stick to it…and enjoy that journey no matter what anyone else around you is choosing to do in their lives.

Post # 7
Member
9573 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Who the hell throws out hinty stuff like that if they weren’t thinking about it!?! Am I right?

Honestly, I don’t think what you described were hints. I think he made some lame jokes about engagement season and also had some conversations about marriage/weddings not because he was thinking of proposing but because he was having a conversation with his partner about things he might want in the future. Also, this is all 4 months into dating which is waaaaaaaaaay too soon for most people to even be thinking about marriage. That’s still the honeymoon phase where everything is love tinted and swell. I think we all have the tendancy to read into things what we want to be there and then when we find out thats not the way it really is, it hurts us. You need to stop blaming him because YOU were taking what he said out of context and letting your imagination get the best of you. 

I also think you need to stop measuring your relationship timeline against everyone elses. Who cares if these people are getting engaged when you yourself claim they have bad relationships? You have a great relationship with a guy you love. You share a life together. There isn’t any rush (other than maybe having children) to be married. You said you know he’s the one, so having to wait isn’t going to change anything. All that this is going to accomplish is you’re going to end up resenting him and hurting your relationship because you want to be married and he’s not moving in the time frame you would like. Even when you discussed a timeline he first told you five years. You didn’t like that so it was renegoiated to 1.5 years but the next line you say you have to be engaged soon to make that timeline. So basically, you’re still saying “we have to get engaged as soon as possible!” and I think he probably wants to wait at least another year and a half to even actually start the engagement/wedding process. Don’t set yourself up again for disappointment. You both need to be very clear with one another and from what you have said it seems like you guys still aren’t on the same page.

Just try to relax and enjoy your relationship. And stop assuming and getting upset over things you percieve to be hints. Communication in an open and honest manner is key.

Goodluck!

 

Post # 8
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

How long have you two been together in total?

Post # 9
Member
772 posts
Busy bee

To be honest, if I was him I would have run. That’s far too soon for most people, especially if marrying the person they were with meant taking on their kids too. It’s a huge commitment. Step back there and figure out why exactly you’re in this huge rush. 

Post # 10
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Waldorf Astoria, Orlando

earlymorningshakes:  

 

First of all, if I was in your shoes and divorced already, I wouldn’t be in a rush to walk back down the aisle without more time under our belts.

I don’t think I would call any of the things you described “hints” for an engagement. I think he was sharing his day with you, joking, and being cute.

Stop holding your breath every holiday after he clearly stated he isn’t ready yet. One and a half years worth of holidays will be agony if you even make it that far. You’re setting yourself up to be resented for these unhappy discussions you are having. Keep in mind that he is new to this and you have participated in an unsuccessful marriage already. That’s scary territory for a guy.

 

Never, ever compare your relatioship to someone else. Jealousy is really unflattering. I get how you can feel that way, but if you pressure him like this when he has already stated his opinion, you will end up not together anymore. I don’t think what you’re asking is very fair to him. You both need time to work things out. Let it happen at it’s own natural pace. Stop timing everything. Marriage is a union, not a spreadsheet!

 

Enjoy what you have and cherish your relationship. You have to nurture it and help it grow. Eventually it will blossom into a beautiful proposal and marriage. Right now it is still new and you’ve over-watered it with pretencious expectations… Let it grow. Give it time.

I’d drop the subject for now and get it out of my head. Stop being jealous of what other people have and comparing yourself to others. If you love him, you’ll wait.

 

Post # 11
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee

I agree that guys in relationships throw out stuff like that all the time and it drives me batshit crazy, like, “Do you not realize that I’m taking what you say at face value? Because I don’t think you’re a liar and I trust you?”

The first few months of a relationship I think women need to carry a sign that says, “Don’t say shit you don’t mean, because I will remember it FOREVER.”

Post # 12
Member
5131 posts
Bee Keeper

If I am understanding this correctly your SO’s initial timeline was to be married in 5 years and then agreed to 1 1/2 years after discussing with you.  So he went from expecting to propose within the next 1-4 years to you expecting a proposal within months of said discussion?  Seems like a big change for him to swallow.  Don’t forget that just like preparing and saving for a marriage a man also needs time to prepare and save for a proposal with ring.  I think you need to put your expectations in check.

Post # 13
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016 - Estates of Sunnybrook - McLean House

earlymorningshakes:  Don’t let others affect you. Before my Fiance proposed… his buddy bought a ring at the same time as him and proposed before him… And honestly probably 5 people i knew got engaged or were getting married lol.  The more anxious you get the worse you make yourself feel…If you’ve already discussed when to get married then it’s okay.. be patient 🙂 Especially with all that is happeening I’m sure it’s on his mind.

I know how hard it is to wait…because I knew I was ready for my Fiance 8 months in as well and he bought the ring at that same time but waited for the ring ot be done…and find the right opportunity to do it… I know it’s really frustrating becaues you are anticipating it but it’ll be okay. Don’t feel ilke it’s a race against timeeeee.

Perhaps he’s already looking..and just saving for the ring? Who knows right 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

 

I don’t understand people who say they want to be done having kids by X age, or married by X age or whatever. Having a timeline is great….but we all know life takes us on many twists and turns. You’ve got to be flexible and adapt.

Focus on why you love each other, what makes you happy in your relationship. Do things together just for fun. Negativity will kill your romance if you let it.

Post # 15
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

It doesn’t sound like he was hinting at marriage AT ALL, but somehow you misinterpreted the “signs” because you were hoping and expecting so much that he would propose. And you don’t know what goes on in other people’s relationships to compare when and why they’re getting engaged.

It’s already a promising step that you guys did have a “state of the union” talk. I know it’s important to you that you finish having kids by age 30 but it’s his timeline too, so you guys will have to find some kind of compromise that is comfortable for both of you. I’d have another talk with him to redo the timeline because 1.5 years is obviously not enough time for him. And if what you say is correct, then you got married around age 20, stayed married for 5 yrs and had a kid, and now you’re around age 25-27. I’d slow down and try to enjoy the next 5 years a little more!

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