(Closed) I've Upset My Future SILs and I Don't Know How to Handle It

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
7386 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ive been a bridesmaid in 2 weddings from across the country- one of them for my SIL.  They told me the dress# and the color and I went to David’s bridal here in my state and ordered the dress- no big deal.  They are being dumb.

Post # 3
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

I think you should send them each a little gift and a letter saying how happy you are they are in the wedding, sorry you are and that you didn’t think they would travel that far, hence the oversight and then end with something happy/positive (positve, address the negative, end with a positive). At least try and smooth things over non-phone call to show you are trying.

Post # 4
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

In the two weddings I’ve been in, I went for the dress selection, as I lived in the area.

for one wedding, another Bridesmaid or Best Man lived out of state. She went to another David’s Brideal and tried stuff on “With” us. We sent pictures back and forth.

In both cases, dresses were not chosen before all BMs okayed them. Perhaps that was the problem here.

Post # 5
720 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you screwed up big time.  I also don’t think you were obligated to notify your SILs about the shopping trip.

It might have been more polite if you had shared a picture of the bridesmaid dress that you liked with you SILs and asked if they are comfortable with the choice.  They don’t have to love it or even like it, but if they hate it, then they should have an opportunity to say that.  Texting a photo of a final decision dress that you picked out with only a subset of bridesmaids is rude.  Everyone is body conscious in their own way and being told what to wear is a hard thing to swallow, even when you know that’s basically how it goes.  You SILs should have had a chance to object, if they had a real objection, for whatever reason.

At this point, it’s done, there’s nothing that you can do but move forward.

Post # 6
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014


SimTeam: All of you are overreacting. That’s a petty and miniscule (sp?) thing to be upset over. I’ve been a bridesmaid in 4 weddings and not once did I go bridesmaid dress shopping for any of them. Also, none of my bridesmaids went dress shopping with me, either.   

Post # 7
8342 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Generally I think it’s courteous to at least ask their opinion before deciding on a dress. I was in one wedding where the bride did this and honestly I was a little put off, especially since she took her teeny tiny Bridesmaid or Best Man who of course looks lovely in everything. Are all your bridesmaids similar in shape/size?

Post # 8
11443 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yeah, you should have run it past them, but it seems like they are on the hunt for reasons to be offended. I mean, really, this much drama and the accusations that you only asked them so your Fiance co und have more on his side? Don’t feel bad if you can’t appease these women. They sound hell bent on being offended by you. 


Put on a good front and be courteous, try to include them more but don’t harbor hopes that they will appreciate it. Do it for your Fiance. 

Post # 10
3912 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

SimTeam:  I’ve usually gone for all bridesmaids dress shopping experiences, except for my sisters wedding. We were living 3000 miles away from each other and the only reason I didn’t know they had gone was because I didn’t want to know about all the little bridesmaids things they were doing (I was feeling kind of blue that I was missing out on all of her wedding stuff as the other five bridesmaids lived in her state. A little immature, sure, but not knowing meant I never felt left out and sad I couldn’t be with my sisters).

Perhaps it’s not so much that they wanted to be there with you, but maybe they wanted to be a part of the selection process? If I was going to be in a wedding and the bride went without me to select the dress and there was no discussion, just “here’s the style number and the price” I’d be kind of put off, too. I understand it’s your wedding and your choice, but when it’s my body and my pocketbook, then we run into some problems. Perhaps that’s where it’s mostly coming from?

As for them feeling like they were only included as an afterthought, I don’t really know what you can do to make them feel better. I asked my FI’s sister out of duty, yes, but I also wanted her up there with me. It’s not that uncommon to ask FI’s siblings to be in your wedding. I would just file it away: You’ve already apologized to one sister, so consider it a blanket apology, especially since the other sister can’t be bothered to comment. From now on, maybe just include them in a few little things? Maybe create a Facebook page? I think you’re just going to find hurt feelings like this when it includes things directly effect them (such as the dress, etc.), but maybe if you have a platform where everyone is receiving the same updates then it will eliminate hurt feelings. I never just text one or two bridesmaids about something. I post everything in the Facebook group so everyone sees it at the same time. This has stopped any hurt feelings on my end.

Post # 11
688 posts
Busy bee

I think they are over reacting. If they are out of state then it doesnt matter, it’s not like they were going to come with you to begin with. Just carry on and enjoy planning your wedding.

Post # 12
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You’ve recognized you made a faux pas, you apologized. That is good enough on your part. If the sisters want to be snide about it, that is there problem. I would truly ask them if they feel that they are only “obligatory bridesmaids” and if the answer is yes, I would give them the option to drop out with no animosity. If they are just making a fuss to make a fuss, however, that should quiet them.

Post # 14
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Being told what the dress is going to be is still different that likimf the idea. You dress is long and flowy, it’s true, but there’a a very big difference between one shouldered vs straps vs strapless… Basically, a lot of options. The dress you posted was not the dress I pictured initially as long and flowy.

They are overreacting, but I still think they’re upset they didn’t get a say.

Post # 15
1232 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think your FSILs are being lame and dramatic. You have the right to go dress shopping with whoever you want, and there are tons of legitimate reasons for not going shopping with the entire troop of bridesmaids. So you can either leave your apology as it is and stop feeding into the drama, or you can continue apologizing and sending gifts or whatever for simply living your life as you saw fit — but you’ll be setting the tone for a future relationship with your FSILs in which they know they can control and manipulate you by getting butthurt over stupid crap.


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