Post # 1
I was talking to a doctor the other day about my options for having kids and she said that I could adopt, have a surrogate, or do IVF with a donor egg.
What scares me the most is not knowing what psychological issues the child will have. I think about “We Need to Talk About Kevin” and horror stories of adopted kids not being able to stay in school, stealing etc.
Please tell me your stories and reassure me that adopting/using donor eggs does not always end in a disaster.
Post # 2
First of all wasn’t Kevin born to his own mother, so not adopted/surrogate etc, therefore how does this relate to your post?
Anyway this is a bizarre post, what makes you think you would know any more about “psychological issues” with a natural conception over IVF or even adoption?
“Please tell me your stories and reassure me that adopting/using donor eggs does not always end in a disaster.”
What makes you think that is does usually end in disaster? I’ve never heard that school of thought.
Post # 3
I too find it interesting that you’re more concerned about “psychological issues” than everything else that could be inherited through genetics? With psychological issues I imagine the upbringing would play a far bigger role.
Post # 4
There is oh so much wrong with this post.
Why do you automatically think that any child not born to a family the traditional way means he/she will end up a disaster? “….the psychological issues the child will have”
Prejudice, and psychlogical imparement due to some ill-conceived notion of “inferior reproduction” in this instance would 100% come from the parents. So perhaps your child will have them, but likely, you will give it to them.
Post # 5
sbl99 : it’s just what I was told by many people who adopted and my doctor as well…that since many who give up their children are not in a good place, the children often have difficulties in learning and social adjustment. This cannot always be remedied by good parenting, and makes me scared of taking on more than I can handle.
Post # 6
I was adopted as a young toddler. I’m a very well adjusted, healthy, and successful adult. It could have been due to my adoption age, but I honestly believe that the reason I’ve never had any issues with it was because I grew up knowing I was adopted- it was never a secret. I had adopted friends in schools as well who found out later, and that was incredibly difficult for them. I have no knowledge of adopting or being adopted as an older child, but I’d encourage you not to write that option off. For what it’s worth- my adoptive father was also adopted. As were 3 of his siblings. All are absolutely wonderful, kind, caring and successful people.
Post # 7
Where are you based? In the UK this could be a genuine concern. It’s rare here that people chose adoption over abortion. The majority of children up for adoption do have some trauma from their birth situation. A few will have been born with addictions or feral alcohol syndrome.
i know of one couple who adopted 3 unrelated children. Two have grown into wonderful young adults who have attended great universities and are embarking on great careers. One has struggled with addition since his early teens and no matter how much support his parents put in place for him he still ended up in prison.
I have a good friend who adopted a little girl recently with his husband. For her to be adopted as young as she was she can’t have spent any time with her birth family. I don’t know her situation but so far so good. She is a wonderful little girl and is super sweet.
A good adoption service will be very open with prospective parents about any issues with the child’s past and I know in the UK there are lots of support services for adoptive parents.
nature vs nurture is a huge debate and really im not sure anything can prepare you for the child you may get, adopted or otherwise.
Post # 8
nkotb : I agree with this, I think some issues come up when the adoption is secret or if support isn’t there for adopted children to find their roots (if wanted)
my friends little girl will always know she’s adopted (they are a same sex couple) and I hope that helps her to feel loved and gives her a sense on belonging.
Post # 9
My brother in law is adopted. He found his parents in his 20s through Facebook. Found out his parents got married and had 3 further kids! Also the father never knew he existed as the mum kept it from him all those years!!
He appears to be well rounded.
I think adoption is an amazing thing to do.
I wish more people would consider adoption vs kids they don’t want or abortion. So many people out there who would be amazing parents but there’s not enough kids to go around to adopt
Post # 10
Not sure why people are flaming the OP, in the U.K. (if that’s is where she is from) the vast vast majority of children who are adopted have been forcibly removed from their parents by social services due to neglect, abuse, drugs, alcohol, domestic violence etc. Adoption of babies is rare here (less than 2% are under 1) and it’s even more rare for someone to voluntarily choose to give their child up for adoption. Kids enter the care system are usually fostered for some time then adopted. Women choosing to give up their baby to a loving couple via adoption just doesn’t happen here, I’m not even sure that would be legal.
Therefore, adopted children often have significantly more issues in terms of behaviour, emotional, learning etc than children who have not been in the care system and adopted. A charity here has estimated ound 25% of adoptive families are in crisis and needing professional help to stay together and the breakdown the rate is estimated to be up to 20% in some areas. More than half of adoptive families report child on parent violence.
Due to confidentiality laws here parents are usually told very little about their adopted child’s background prior and even after adoption, so are often not fully prepared for their needs. Once the adoption goes through, unlike with fostering there is also very little support available for the parents and family. As I’m in same sex relationship I looked into adoption extensively and decided I wasn’t able to take these kinds of risks and go through the lengthy and invasive process here to adopt. I applaud anyone who does as it’s an extremely difficult process in this country to even get approved to adopt a child. But, don’t flame the OP for having legitimate concerns and worries. I’m sure the vast majority of adoptions work well, especially in other countries, but statistically they come with more issues than other options such as IVF, at least in the U.K.
Post # 11
I understand your concerns and if the thought of adoption is making you worry so much and giving you anxiety, then IVF w/ donor eggs or surrogacy would be better ideas.
Post # 12
Why would a donor egg cause psychological issues? Iirc it’s quite the extensive process to be approved to donate eggs. They don’t just take anyone off the street. After that it’s in your hands—you’re the parent. They just donated genetic material to make the baby.
Anecdotally I know several people who adopted infants and none have had issues that I know of. I work with someone who was adopted, again no issues. If you choose to take on an older child that has a traumatic past that can definitely be more of a delicate situation, but the agency should be very open about it. I know a couple who adopted a toddler from Columbia and they have had some challenges with her, but nothing major.
But biological children can have plenty of their own issues as well. You are not immune just because your genetic material is the same.
Post # 13
Maybe OP is thinking of the Romanian orphanage studies? Those showed that kids who were severely neglected ended up having their brains permanently altered. It’s tragic, but many kids still bounced back once they returned to the care of nurturing caregivers.
There are risks with adoption, of course.. just as there are risks with having your own kids. Strong nurture from an early age can counteract a lot of environmental or genetic risks.
Good luck OP.
Post # 14
My Future Mother-In-Law was adopted and describes her childhood as happy and is a perfectly well adjusted human. (I’m from the UK btw) at the end of the day it’s up to you which route you go down. I wouldn’t panic immediately that if you adopt or anything else that you’ll end up with a destructive serial killer.
Post # 15
We need to talk about Kevin was about a biological child…
I think you need to do more academic research before writing off adopted children. I don’t have much else to add other than in my opinion, this is an incredibly uneducated post.