Post # 1
Help me out here bees! I’m dreading xmas holidays with someone who I’ve become a bit jealous of…and it’s only October! Here’s why:
1) We are the same age. When I first met her last fall (when I met my SO’s family)….ALL she wanted to do was talk about her wedding. I felt like everyone tried to get to know me…and all she wanted me to know about her was that she was the one getting married and talked about it constantly (Yes, I already had that itch myself).
2) We had the same personal goal of getting married by 30 (it’s a stupid life goal and I’m finally coming to terms with that). She set her date to be married days before her 30th bday. She kept talking about it over xmas (I’m getting married right before my 30th bday!) and again over her wedding weekend. It just made me want to scream!
3) She now has a house with her DH and she’s happily married. (Obviously, what I want, my ultimate goal here lol)
It’s odd to me that I have these feelings of jealousy (not to mention embarrasing!)—-I’ve only met the woman 3x! And…well…she does seem very nice and included me in her wedding, etc. Part of this is that I’m a little embarrassed about my actions (I’ve posted before that I got teary eyed at her rehersal dinner, wedding and reception). I didn’t do anything out of line (SO and I sent a wedding gift, gave a card with money, flew in from out of state to go to the wedding, and even took the party pics of the moments that the pro photographer didn’t get and sent them all to her). I realize that my latest kick that I’m on is that she never sent a thank you card!!! So…It’s gotten me a little worked up.
I honestly do think she is a nice person; I’ve written this post out many times over the last hour and have been going back and forth to post or not to post. I just can’t seem to get over how much this woman is living the life I want to live and my life can’t move forward with my SO until he gets a job and we relocate together….it’s frustrating and fueling my insecurity.
Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do? I would be down for ANY tips at all on this, I know that my feelings are wrong and I just don’t know who to talk to about this!
Post # 3
@veryberry13: Ugh, I don’t have any tips, but I can definitely sympathize with the stuck feeling! I’m stuck for a shorter time, I think– just until I get to move back home with my SO in December once my classes are over. But then I have to actually finish grad school, which will take another year, and we will probably not be getting married until after I’m done with school. Urrrggghh.
I had a super weird embarrassing jealousy attack a couple weeks ago when I found out thirdhand that a friend of mine, who had gotten married VERY quickly (as is done in the religion she converted to recently), just had a baby– less than a year after getting married! I don’t even WANT a baby yet, it just made me feel so stuck and behind in life.
So, I know pretty well how you feel. It sucks sometimes. But as my SO reminded me when I was sort of freaking out about my old friend having a baby, everybody has their own timeline. I know you know that, and I kind of hate it now when people say that to me, but even so it does help me to stop stewing about what I don’t have yet.
Is your SO looking for jobs now? Or is he still in school? Because if him getting a job is what’s holding your relationship back, he better get a move on and start looking! 🙂 I’m sure he wants to get on with things too, especially if your moving in together depends on him getting a new job.
If you need to vent, I’m here to listen anytime!
Post # 4
I have no real advice but hang in there. The green eyed monster visited me before. It got me jealous of a friend who completed her degree, got married and is currently building their (huge) house without and assistance from any banks. Needless to say, she married rich.
I am no longer jealous because I see it doesn’t make sense to compare myself with her. My degree is on the back burner because I have 2 little beautiful kids, my own marriage will come and she is very nitpicky. No need to be jealous.
People always pretend. It might seem perfect on the outside but different on the inside.
Post # 5
Oh, I just thought of something. If, during the holidays, she starts blathering on about her perfect settled life to you, and you are feeling irritated, you could pull out a story of some really fun adventure you had recently by yourself. . . that she wouldn’t necessarily be able to do. Not really. That’s not very nice.
Just don’t let her get to you. She has a certain set of things in life, which you don’t have– but you have things she may not have, right?
But do you see what I’m getting at?
Focus on the good things you do have, and “don’t let the bastards grind you down.” (I wish I could remember the Latin for that, it’s a funny expression my SO learned in college, but I don’t recall the Latin version at all.) You seem like a very pleasant person, and she doesn’t really! So! 🙂
Post # 6
When I was impatiently waiting for DH to propose, I found that whenever I felt jealous of someone else getting engaged/married/whatever, asking myself “would I rather be marrying that guy?” put things in perspective pretty fast. No matter how perfect someone’s life looks from the outside, everyone has plenty of burdens to contend with. Reminding yourself that, when it comes down to it, you wouldn’t in a million years want to trade places with them is the best way I know to combat the feeling that you’re losing some kind of competition.
Post # 7
@mrssrm: +1 I would ask myself the same thing while waiting
I had a really hard time waiting. I was with FI 6 years before he proposed. I’m sure you can find some of my old posts on here about it.
I’ve seen lots of people get married in much shorter times than FI and I have been together, and it would drive me nuts.
I’d really just focus on the good you have right now, rather than what other people have. and honestly, you may think she has it all, but there are A LOT of things you don’t see behind closed doors. It may not be as peachy as you think. Plus, getting engaged/married doesn’t change what you have with your SO. If you are happy with your SO and know you will be married in the future, that’s really the important part.
Post # 8
@Creiddylad: Yes, SO has two interviews this month (yay!) and it’s looking pretty good as far as him landing his dream job in Portland. We thought that we would be in the place that we are now this time last year, and that hasn’t panned out.
I will have to think of a totally awesome story to share haha…or start living my life a little more now so I have stories to share haha!!!!! And thanks for responding!
@tiff-tiff-tiff: Thanks for sharing as well. I know that we are not supposed to compare ourselves to others, and we all have our own personal journey. I think my biggest issue is the wanting to be married by 30, then she did it….and instead of doing it gracefully it was like she couldn’t shut up about it and it added salt to my wounds so to speak. I like your comment about people pretending-very true…I do know that they talked about money a lot and seemed like they were in over the head for the wedding (and all the brothers and their SOs were told to pay minimum of 125 a plate…seems like we were covering something lol).
@mrssrm: My talk therapist points this out to me all the time and I sorta forgot…so thanks for saying that. Hell NO I would not want to marry that guy lol. He has had some serious trouble with the law and some interesting stories about his past shared by his family that I’ve been told to not repeat because they are not sure if she knows or not. I do need to remind myself of this more often…Mr Vb is a real stand up guy, and I didn’t have the wedding itch until after we got serious.
@memo: I will be sure to focus on the good I have now….You bees are wonderful, thanks for talking to me about this!
Post # 9
I get that green eyed monster thing when I see another couple on facebook get engaged! It’s happened probably 10 times in the past 2 years alone, and I always get so jealous… and I do tear up a bit and my SO asks whats wrong and I can’t help but feel bad when I tell him. He just doesn’t get when girls gets so jealous about this type of thing!
Post # 10
@leftyletters: I wish men did understand lol! Personally, staying off of FB helped curb my jealosy….but there’s just something about my FSIL that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe it’ll be nicer over the holidays to have a conversation that is not her about her, her wedding, her everything UGH UGH lol!!
Post # 11
@veryberry13: what’s crazy is that my SO told me today that he thinks his sisters BF is going to propose next month! they have been dating for a year and we have been dating 6.5 years and so I told him I would probably cry if that happened!
Post # 12
@leftyletters: Haha….I’m going to admit something. I didn’t cry after finding out that FSIL got engaged or after he said that his other brother bought a ring for his long time girlfriend. Didn’t cry when she wouldn’t shut up about her wedding.
I did, however, cry after Mr VB gave me the news that his father was helping FSIL and FBIL move into their new house they just bought…two weeks before their wedding. I mean I literally STOPPED cooking dinner, told MR VB to finish it himself, went to bed and balled myself to sleep. I woke up and laid there about an hour, then I got up and hung out with him a little bit.
I know this hit home because I feel a little insecure about things and I want sooo much for my life to feel settled–I want to be married, I want a house, and I want to start planning for the future.
PS Hate that spelled jealousy wrong in the title UGH
Post # 13
@veryberry13: i think I’ve said this before somewhere else. are you jealous of her career? Her husband? Her husband’s career? Would you have made the same decisions in all of those aspects? If not then why are you jealous? once I start thinking well I wouldn’t want their job or their husband my life is pretty great then there’s nothjng to be jealous of as your timeline is different
Post # 14
@tiff-tiff-tiff: People always pretend. It might seem perfect on the outside but different on the inside.
This ! Appearances are not the reality. I admit I get jealous of people who buy a house. It’s been my dream ever since I was a little girl. But, I haven’t been able to put money aside because I’m now 27 doing a ph.D, and I’m paying for it all by myself. I was ready to buy a house with my ex, the goal seemed to close to me, I could almost ”touch” it … but we split. I met my SO, he had money aside, was working, we told each other : let’s be patient, let’s buy a house 2 years from now (that was in 2012). Again, hope and desire for the house up … and then, my fiancé thought he should go back to college to get a degree, that would be an investment for our future and probably bring us more money than his actual career. I support his decision, but it means 3 more years to go before buying a house.
It’s very hard for me to look at other 27 people already having their house, traveling, having money and a career. But I have to remind myself that all I see is from the outside. Maybe they hate their jobs. Maybe they wished they had gone to school longer. Maybe they have a house, but can’t afford to go to the cinema because they’re drowning under debts. Maybe I have a better credit score than they do. Maybe I’ll make more money later. Maybe I’ll travel more, because FI and I are childfree. Our life choices were made to achieve what we wanted in order to be happy, and it doesn’t mean we’d be happy if we were in other people’s shoes.
Post # 15
I know exactly what you mean, I’m now 26 (I know this is still young) and most of my friends (all between 25-35) are ALL either engaged, married, have houses, have kids and a lot all of the above! My SO is proposing next month in Paris (we’ve already spoken about it and he’s ‘unoffitially’ proposed and wanted to do it properly once we picked a ring) and this is the first step for us. We still need to save for a wedding and a mortgage (it’s very difficult in the UK housing market) and that all needs to be sorted before we even think about kids. My ideal is for all this to happen and have had my first child by 30, but really most of this depends on money and I’m increasingly jealous every time I see a new set of wedding pictures or first baby scans/births etc just thinking when will it be me!
I think the best and only thing you can do is to step back and realise everyone comes from different backgrounds, religions, life goals, some have more money than others, some are still in college or perhaps it’s a long distance thing, so how it works for everyone else is great, how it works for you is completely different. You’ll be getting married and having kids when there time has long gone and all the attention will be on you! (They may even feel some jealousy there!).
If all else fails, at least your not alone and have someone who loves you 🙂
Post # 16
@elliptical2013: I’m not jealous of her career…It’s funny because I have a better career and make more than her for sure. I don’t know that it’s me being worried about her husband (he’s been arrested and has a less than desirable past that she may or may not know about, his family has told me bits and pieces and I’ve been sworn to secrecy to NEVER bring it up ever). She has bragged before (when her husband wasn’t present) that he makes over 100,000 (um WHO DOES THAT). Mr VB is set to make around that (which will be good, because it will FINALLY put his salary ahead of mine) when he graduates and gets a job, but knowing that my SO is set to have his own success doesn’t really make me jealous of her husband.
I def admitted that I am jealous of her having a man who proposed to her (sometimes it feels like I’ll just never know what that feels like). Mr Vbs mom is convinced that the only reason he proposed anyway is because she pressured him into it. She still had the wonderful engagement, the great wedding with support from both of their families, the house, and now I’m sure she has a great married life that she will be bragging about over xmas. I actually cried when I found out about her house and I admitted that. All I want is that sort of life for myself. I’m going to be turning 31 soon and I’ve just always thought I would have these things by now. I’ve been going to talk therapy, reading books, and I’ve found this blog to be very helpful and I just didn’t know if different persepectives would help me to get over this hump—-hopefully before xmas hahaha!! It really doesn’t help that we talked about this the first time we met, my anxiety over turning 30 and not having these things….which really felt like she was rubbing salt in the wound when she kept saying ‘I’m getting married before my 30th bday’ ‘I’m getting married before my 30th bday’ like a friggin broken record! UGH! And thanks for listening
@FutureMrsMarlow: OH my goodness a Paris proposal!! I bet that will be a VERY romantic proposal and I cannot wait to read about it on the blog!!
@NauticalDisaster: I appreciate you saying that. I know things are not always what they seem. I feel you on the house thing, my not feeling settled in life gets to me sometimes. I’ve really gotten a lot better..but, sometimes, it’s frustrating!