Post # 1
Okay this is my first post, but I would really like some input on this.
I have a best friend of 8 years… & we have always gushed about getting married one day and promising to be each other’s Maid/Matron of Honor. But I feel like over the years things has changed. She has been in a relationship for over 4 years while I have been off and on with an emotionally abusive BF that eventually I broke off. But during my break ups and feeling alone and hurt I have always given her my honest advice towards her relationship. I would make sure I wasn’t biased to what was going on in my life. Finally I have found the man of my dreams and I’m ecstatic but coincidently her relationship has been on the rocks. & even still when she comes to me, I give her unbiased advice but she always responds with “well, coming from the person who’s living their happily ever after” or “lucky you, you’ve got one of the good ones” and it hurts because I feel like she fails to realize all the times when I was alone while her and her boyfriend were doing great. But anyway, I recently have become engaged. & I’m feeling a little uneasy about following through on my promise to make her Maid/Matron of Honor. Because since my engagement, there has been nothing but negativity from her. It’s to the point where I feel I have to downplay my happiness so she doesn’t feel uncomfortable. I can’t even talk about wedding plans because I get no feedback or I can feel she’s being not genuine with her responses. There has even been times where if I invited her somewhere, she wouldn’t come unless my Fiance wasn’t going, because she didn’t want to feel out of place. Or if she did come she made my Fiance feel uncomfortable for being there. Which I feel is unfair because I have been on several outings with her and her BF when I was single. And I never made her feel like she had to choose between us. So my question is should I still make her my Maid/Matron of Honor because of a promise? & if not, how to I go about breaking it to her?
Post # 2
I don’t think you should make her the Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man because she is going to give you headaches and possibly financially hurt you. I had a mistake of allowing my stepmother’s grandchild to be my flowergirl, and it cost me my relationship with her. In the end I had to recant the flowergirl role of the granddaughter due to constant demands and lack of cooperation from my stepmother. If you don’t want to have a headache like me, don’t let her be a Maid/Matron of Honor. Only you can decide on how to break the news to your friend, it depends on her personality. You maysay that you want to honor a relative only for this role, but you have to follow up with your words. Or you can take a passive approach and avoid the subject. Or, if you don’t want to pussyfoot around, just call her out on her behavior, and be frank and tell her the truth.
Post # 3
Maybe you should talk to her about it and see where her head is. Don’t ask prematurely though unless you’re 100% certain that’s she’s 100% supportive. I made that mistake when I got engaged. I asked someone that I thought was one of my closest friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and I ended up having to remove her from my wedding completely and I am no longer friends with her because she turned out to be extremely jealous and tried desperately to ruin my wedding and my relationship with my fi and the other bridesmaids and she was so nonchalant about it when I confronted her about it and of course she played victim. So I’ll just say try and have a conversation with her first and think long and hard about your decision.
Post # 4
She doesn’t sound jealous, she sounds miserable. But that doesn’t mean it would be a good fit for her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. sometimes our friends can’t be there all of the time, and she might turn out to not be much of a friend. Only time will tell.
I certainly wouldn’t ask her to do something that is causing her pain and not working for me. I’d tell her the truth, you can see this is upsetting to her and you don’t want to rub it in her face but you also want to have someone who is on board with you as Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 5
Try looking at this from her perspective. You may have been different while single (still happy for her, still willing to third wheel with them) but some people don’t deal with that well. When she ‘comes to you’ with relationship problems, is she actually asking you for advice or just looking for someone to vent to? Are you possibly giving her advice/opinions that she isn’t looking for? I know if I vent to my best friend about a fight or issue I’m having in my relationship and she offers unsolicited advice on how to have a perfect relationship like she has, I may get annoyed as well. Some people just want you to listen to them complain, not insert your opinion.
How often are you inviting her to do things with you and your FI? Do you also ask her to hang out just the 2 of you? An occassional hang-out including your Fiance is fine but if you don’t also have ‘girl time’ I can see that being annoying also. I had to distance myself from a friend who refused to hang out without her boyfriend tagging along. I just wanted girl time: lunch, shopping, grabbing a drink. But she ALWAYS brought her boyfriend. I had no issue with him and I am happily married but I couldn’t stand him being there during our girl time. Maybe you didn’t mind it when you were single but if she’s going through a rough patch in her relationship, she may not want to hang out with a happily engaged couple all the time. In addition to that, how do you and your Fiance act when the 3 of you hang out? Are you all over each other? Do you ignore her slightly? Do you make it awkward for her? My DH and I can hang out with one other person and it just feels like 3 friends hanging out because we don’t even act like a couple. No hand holding, kissing, flirting, cuteness going on. I have another friend that if I’m out with him and his girlfriend they are constantly all over each other, giggling, tickling, kissing and I sit there awkwardly like WTF.
How much do you talk about wedding stuff and how happy you are? I’m not saying you should downplay your happiness to make her feel better but, are you one of those girls who can’t talk about anything else? Do you unintentionally rub it in her face? Are you constantly professing how wonderful your relationship is and steer every conversation to be about your engagement? Even as a happily married women, I wouldn’t want to listen to that constantly. It’s even worse if you’re going through relationship troubles yourself.
I would have a conversation with her about it. I don’t think her not wanting to talk about wedding planning 24/7 should deter you from having your best friend as your Maid/Matron of Honor but it may be an awkward situation for everyone. Explain that you feel she’s been distant lately and that it hurts you. Ask her if you’ve done anything to upset her. And then talk about her being Maid/Matron of Honor… she may not even want to do it given her current relationship status.
Post # 6
Leave your wedding out of it. This is a friendship issue so instead of worrying about whether or not to ask her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor you should focus on your friendship and talking to her about how you are feeling. Not sure of when you are getting married but I can bet you have plenty of time to ask your wedding party. So for now, don’t worry about who to ask to be in your wedding and focus on fixing your friendship. If after some time things have not gotten better then you can make a decision about your wedding.
Post # 7
I agree with PP – leave your wedding out of this right now. I would bring up to her how she makes you feel and that you are concerned for her. See what she says.
Post # 8
no, an if she asks why tell her based on her behavior since you got engaged, it didn’t seem like she would want to be your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 9
I’m all for the direct route…in a nice way. I would let her know (when there is an opening and such a comment is relevant) that you don’t want to hurt her feelings or highlight the parts of her relationship that might be hurtful with your own engagement. Tell her you want to share details of your engagement with her but at the same time want to be respectful of where she’s at in her own life right now. See what she says and then tailor what you share with her based on her response.
Depending on her response, in the same conversation (or at a later date if her initial response wasn’t all you had hoped), ask her how she feels about still being Maid/Matron of Honor for your upcoming wedding. Tell her you would love for her to because that’s what you guys have always planned but you understand things change and if its something she doesn’t feel is a good idea at this point in time, you will understand that, too. But finish with an emphasis on how you would like for her to still be Maid/Matron of Honor. She’ll have an out but will know that you still want her to be a part of everything. This is going to be a delicate convo so be sure YOU’RE in the right frame of mind to have it!
I don’t know where you are in your planning right now, but I imagine some decisions will have to be made shortly due to expenses, saving money, appointments, etc. Before even having these discussions with her, I would think long and hard about what YOU really want. If you don’t want her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, don’t ask her–it will only cause regret later on, usually for both parties. You could be creative and not even have a Maid/Matron of Honor if you think it will cause too much drama (traditions are being set aside in favor of tailoring a wedding to the couple’s wants, anyways). If you think this would go over better in an email…do that instead. It can be a long road to a wedding and you don’t want it peppered with drama. You know your friend best so be sure to keep that in mind when you think about when, where, and how to address this!
Post # 10
I actually had this EXACT same thing happen to me! I had a friend I knew since 8th grade and we even lived together until I moved in with my guy. At one point, while I was going out with my bf (now husband) she said to me, “Well, now I’M the loser.” She also made me feel very uncomfortable if I brought him up or anything…so when I hung out with her (rarely) I couldn’t even talk about my life!! Which seemed to be fine with her lol.
So anyways, I didn’t ask her to be in the wedding because she didn’t support the relationship with my husband, and I didn’t think she was truly happy for me. I wanted joy and fun and lightheartedness on our wedding day. She ended up freaking out, telling me that I would NEVER be in her wedding (she was single…but I told her I understood) and now we don’t even talk any more.
Some people are just very selfish. Things are cool when they’re happy and getting what they want, but as soon as they are single/unhappy and someone else has something good happen, it’s like this big conspiracy.
I wouldn’t ask your friend to even be in the wedding. Surround yourself with positivity and have a wonderful wedding day 🙂
Post # 11
wait, so she gave you a backhanded compliment and implied you used to be a loser?!
Post # 12
Two questions; Is this a descision you even need to make right now? And second, is this a friendship you want to save?
Because if your answer to the second question is “Yes”, then you need to put your wedding out of the conversation and try to work on that. I firmly believe the best way to do that is to try to do some things with just the two of you for awhile. Especially if you’re recently engaged, this might just be a knee-jerk reaction.
I am a firm believer that all relationships (including friendship) are not exactly 50/50 in all things, all the time. Just because you were comfortable being a third wheel doesn’t mean that she has to be comfortable being a third wheel – honestly if I was in an unhappy relationship, I probably wouldn’t want to do it, either. I’m also a firm believer in allowing people to make mistakes. You don’t seem to have a lot of complaints about her outside of her reaction to your engagement.
While I don’t want to put this all on you either, OP (because it really isn’t all on you), but are you giving unsolicited advice? Are you talking when you should be listening? Does she just need a person to vent to, and not feedback?
Anyway, if the answer to the second question was in fact “No”, then I don’t think it matters how you tell her.
Post # 13
I think you should have a conversation with her, just the two of you. And do not bring up the wedding at all. Tell her that lately you have been feeling she’s not a supportive friend and how it hurts you. Don’t accuse her of anything or try to formulate why she’s chosen to do or not do things. Ask her questions and let her answer them, that way you guys can figure out if the reason you’ve been having trouble is because of miscommunication, or maybe it’s time to let this friendship end.I think after the two of you had that conversation you can then decide if you want to ask her to be her maid of honor or not.
Post # 14
She doesn’t sound jealous of you and your happiness, rather she just sounds like she’s having a rough go of things and isn’t in the right mindset to be supportive in the way she should.
To be frank, it doesn’t sound like you shown her any empathy at all, rather it just sounds like you are judging her against yourself and how you would/have behave(d) in a similar situation. It’s not fair to expect someone to act the way you would, she’s a different person. If you value your history with her, you need to work on your relationship. Because all I’m hearing is how you don’t want her in your wedding party because she isn’t as jazzed about your wedding as you are.
However, if you think this relationship has run its course, just let things be. It’s absurd to put someone in the bridal party due to obligation. And it doesn’t sound like you want her there. I wouldn’t even break it to her (unless you talked about her being your Maid/Matron of Honor in the last year). Just select your bridal party and leave it at that .
Post # 15
Yes! Among other rude comments. When I got back from our engagement trip she wanted to go out to dinner. When she saw my ring she said, “Bitch…” Not in a funny way either. It was insane!