Post # 1
Hi Bees, I need your help deciding what to do about something…
Tiny bit of history, the boyfriend and I are nearing engagement, he has the ring, he was planning to propose over Christmas but we had a big ‘relationship incident’ (go back in my posts if you wanna know) that made it not the right time. We’re over the incident but now he is acting weird and more jealous than usual and I don’t know why.
I have always had a lot of male friends, and my boyfriend has never expressed any discomfort with my spending time with them, even if it was just the two of us (me and male friend). He knows them all and likes them all. I thought everything was cool. But now one of my friends, who I was supposed to see when he was in town for the holidays but didn’t get to because he was very busy with family stuff, is coming to town this weekend. He surprised me by buying me a concert ticket to see one of my favourite bands of the moment. I told my boyfriend a few days ago and he seemed fine with it. Now that I think about it, I don’t know why the friend didn’t try to get my boyfriend a ticket too. Maybe male friend meant to go with his girlfriend or another friend and they bailed and he suddenly had a free ticket? Not sure. The tickets are sold out now and I know of some people I could get tickets from but at this point they would be crazy expensive from scalpers. Anyway my boyfriend sent me a really random email today saying ‘Hey why don’t you get me the contact info for your friend’s girlfriend and I’ll go see a porn concert with her? Thanks!’ Uhhhh…. WHAT? It’s a rap show so some of the lyrics are pretty sexual. And my boyfriend claims that is the only reason he is pissed. That it’s not appropriate for me to be at a concert with another guy BECAUSE THE LYRICS ARE SEXUAL. What? I mean if it’s not okay all of a sudden for me to hang out with my male friends unescorted by my boyfriend.. ok that kind of sucks, but I guess I can live with it. But why would the nature of the lyrics make or break whether an outing with a friend is appropriate or not? I just feel like he’s grasping at straws for a better reason than “I am uncomfortable with you going to a show with another guy.” My boyfriend almost never hangs out with his female friends alone, and I guess if he did, I might be jealous. So, objectively, I can definitely see how this could be considered not OK. The real issue is just that this came out of nowhere. He had never been jealous like this before. He claims he’s ‘not jealous, because that would imply he didn’t trust me. He just thinks it’s inappropriate.’
I guess I’m leaning towards, maybe this is inappropriate and I shouldn’t go… but I had no reason to expect that he would feel this way since he’s always been fine with stuff like this before. Hell, a few weeks ago one of my male friends was in town for a conference, and he stayed at my house for the weekend and we went out clubbing and got drunk, just the two of us, and then he slept over at my house, on my couch. When I asked my boyfriend beforehand if all of these things were ok, he said he was fine with it because he fully trusted me.
So what the hell happened? Does he trust me less now because he did something that damaged my trust for him? (The ‘incident’ I was referring to – a mutual friend of ours hit on him over the internet and he (just barely, very briefly, until he smartened up and told her to piss off) was receptive to her advances). Or are male friends less appropriate now because we are closer to engagement? Arg. I didn’t get mad at all, I just said I had been really looking forward to the concert but I would not go if it made him uncomfortable, but maybe we could talk about it tonight and come to an understanding…
Post # 3
Personally, I think a concert is a liiittle date-like and I can see why your man is uncomfortable. He definitely needs to just man up an approach it in a more mature way though, maybe try talking to him to see why it bothers him.
My best friend is a guy and Darling Husband used to be weird about it and the engagement actually made him more comfortable, and he and my friend are friends now too. Guys do get weird or change how they see things when you become their wife. In my case my jealous boyfriend became my much less jealous husband, but I’m sure it could go either way.
If you had a big argument over him flirting with someone he may be worried that you’re in revenge mode and are wanting to get back at him. If you have totally forgiven him just remind him of that and also that you’ve never given him a reason to be untrusting and that you don’t want to jeopardize the trust you’re both working so hard to get back.
Post # 4
Post # 5
See, I personally would flip shit on my boyfirend if it were me, but I have that type of relationship with my Fiance, he can go hang with his girl friends, and i can go hang with my boys and there is no issuse becasue we have full and complete trust in the other, and if something makes us uncomfortable, we talk through it and find out WHY it is bothering us.
this concerns me ” Hell, a few weeks ago one of my male friends was in town for a conference, and he stayed at my house for the weekend and we went out clubbing and got drunk, just the two of us, and then he slept over at my house, on my couch. When I asked my boyfriend beforehand if all of these things were ok, he said he was fine with it because he fully trusted me.”
What changed?? You don’t go one day this is ok, and the next its not. It would be a red flag for me.
Post # 6
I can understand why he is upset. I guess I have been on his end of the story before. My Fiance was good friends with a girl from high school for a while. I was ok with it until she invited him to go to her sorority formal dinner. He said that she knew they were just friends and that the invitation was harmless although he had no plans of going. It was just weird to me because something like that you would probably take your boyfriend/girlfriend or a date to. I told him that I was uncomfortable because I felt as though she was taking their friendship a little too far. Turns out about a week after that we saw her out at a bar and she drunkenly came up and laid a big kiss on his cheek right in front of me. I ended their friendship right then and there. My Fiance is in no way upset at me and now COMPLETELY understands why I was uncomfortable with their friendship. He didn’t realize she felt that way about him and to this day apologizes for the whole situation. I guess I think your boyfriend probably knows how some guys can be and doesn’t want you to be in a situation that could jeopardize your relationship. Even if you think it’s completely innocent, I understand why he may be uncomfortable.
Sorry if that was confusing. Just wanted to share my experience with a somewhat similar situation! I hope you guys work everything out 🙂
Post # 7
I don’t see anything wrong with you going out with your friend. I do see something wrong with the way your partner is handling his jealousy – he needs to get a handle on it and at least be able to have a discussion with you about it, not send pissy little emails.
Post # 8
In my younger days I would have probably thought nothing of it but these days there is no way SO or I would go on something so close to a date alone with the opposite sex. Perhaps as engagement is getting closer for you guys your SO is feeling more this way as well. Maybe he sees you more of his future life partner these days and doesn’t want to share anything close to “dating” with another guy? Sounds like you two need to talk it out for sure.
Post # 9
@DaisyDreamer: yeah maybe he is just thinking every day about our possibly upcoming greater committment to each other, and it changes how he feels about opposite sex friends. I’m certainly willing to listen to reason and even re-define our comfort zone for this type of thing, I just find it weird that this is coming out of nowhere.
Maybe, as another commenter said, he does think that I am in ‘revenge mode’ because of his prior indiscretion. This is definitely not the case and I don’t think I have given him any indication that I haven’t put that behind us. It’s really not like him to be so pissy about stuff, I honestly almost LOL’d when I read his chat that I should ‘give him my friend’s girlfriend’s contact info – no wait, he probably doesn’t have a girlfriend – maybe his MOM’s number and he’ll take HER out to a concert and see how he likes that!!’ bahaha… cmonnn… we had a wonderful night / morning together and everything was normal and now this childishness, out of nowhere!
Post # 10
Personally, I think it sounds a little inappropriate because it sounds date-like. I wouldn’t like it if my bf did that. But I could just be old-fashioned and prudish that way. If it was a friend he rarely sees, I’d be more lenient. Everyone’s got their own rules, but the clubbing thing w/your other friend feels more inappropriate than this. It seems like sort of a double standard after the incident w/swinger girl & ur guy. I know you’re not doing anything wrong, and it’s not exactly the same situation as the one I just mentioned, but considering you felt uncomfortable then, I think you should see his end of it a bit.
I will say, though, that his reasons for being upset are sort of weird. Just because the lyrics are sexual? Weird.
Could this specific guy be sexually threatening to your bf? I know my bf trusts me and isn’t the jealous type, but once in a while a guy will come along that makes him bristle a bit.
Post # 11
@abirdword: I know, doesn’t it seem like a stupid excuse?! He should just tell me the real reason that he’s uncomfortable and know that I will understand…the more I think about it the more I agree that it doesn’t really seem appropriate. I don’t think I will go. Arg, now I am just so annoyed that my friend didn’t think to get my boyfriend a ticket too and this whole dumb situation could have been avoided, I really wanna go to that show! Pout.
Post # 12
Everyone’s relationships are different but this would NOT be okay in my relationship. We have never had any trust issues what so ever, nor any jealousy. I think it’s just a mutual respect type thing…I don’t hang out with male friends solo/alone and he doesn’t hang out with female friends solo/alone. I just don’t think that’s very appropriate…?
Post # 13
I remember the post about the “incident” and how well you handled the situation! I’m glad to see you two are working things out. There’s nothing inappropriate about going to a concet with your male friend in and of itself. I think his change of heart has a lot to do with his own guilt, perhaps fear of you seeking revenge. The lame excuse about the lyrics being “too sexual” is an obvious cop out.
I think if it makes him really uncomfortable, you shouldn’t go. However, if you’re going to be so considerate of his feelings, I think it’s only fair he tell you the real reason he is against you going.
Post # 14
I have more male friends than female. there are no jealousies in our relationship.
Post # 15
We trust in my relationship. We don’t need escorts if the opposite sex is near and we don’t have different rules for friends with a penis it vagina lol. I guarantee you that he is feeling insecure over his slip with you mutual friend. Guilt does strange things like convincing you your girlfriend is going to get back at you with her guy friend at a concert 😉
Post # 16
I have to side with your boyfriend on this one, sorry 🙁 He probably hasn’t changed his mind, he’s just probably never really been “ok” with the whole thing. He probably just didn’t want to seem jealous or untrusting. I’ve said I feel “ok” with things that really bothered me, just because I felt like I would look like a jealous b*tch if I said I wasn’t. I realize that hanging out one-on-one with friends of the opposite sex is totally cool in some relationships. This *does* sound like a date though. And I agree with your boyfriend on the sexual lyrics too. There was a thread just the other day about music that puts you “in the mood.” I’ll be honest, when I hear a song with sexual lyrics (some of them are ridiculous, but there are some out that are sexy) I get a bit turned on. The next thing you know, you two are dancing, grinding, etc. I’m not saying you’d do anything, only you could know that, but the possibility for something to happen is greater.