(Closed) Jealous, Co-dependent Bridesmaid (Sorry kinda long)

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

first off- i am so incredibly sorry about your mum.  my heart goes out to you.

secondly, you need to talk to this girl.  with everything you’ve got going on, you need as much support as possible, and regarldess of how defensive she is going to get, you need to nip this in the bud now.  tell her you are sorry about her self esteem issues and her jealous feelings, but in all honesty, you need a solid friend right now, who can be supportive and a shoulder to lean on.  touch upon the not being able to talk to her every day thing, and that doesn’t mean that you love her any less.  then, i’d give her an out, saying that if she doesn’t think these are things she can do right now, maybe it is best that she simply attend as a guest. 

Post # 4
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

come on bees, let’s show the OP some love!

Post # 5
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

BIG HUGS about your mom!  That’s incredibly difficult to deal with at any point in your life, much less during an engagement. 

Also, I think that you should talk to her about how you’re feeling.  You know the whole when you do x, I feel y type thing.  I really think that during such a difficult time she should be there for you.  Friendship is a two-way street.  If being friends with her causes you this much stress and heartache – perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate why y’all are friends?

Good Luck!

Post # 6
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m sorry about your mom. I would just talk to her and tell her how I feel. You have to be honest with her. If she keeps being jealous, then you have to learn how to love her from a distance. I know it’s hard to do because I’ve been dealing with it for a while  myself.

She seems like a toxic friend to me. Someone who really cares about you wouldn’t talk about you behind your back and hate like that.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I hope that you are doing okay, and I encourage you to worry about dealing with that before you stress out about this “friend.”

But since you asked…

This “friend” is controlling. Being needy in the way that she is is just another way of being controlling without being overt–it’s the passive-aggressive way and it’s just as inappropriate and just as bullying.

Respectfully, because I know that you say that you love her, I nevertheless encourage you to disentangle yourself from this person. Friends do not make you feel like your happiness is somehow a burden on them. Friends do not drain energy from you. They don’t rope-a-dope you into boosting their self-worth all the time. And they certainly don’t demand a call from you every day–I don’t call ANYONE every day! If anything, this girl needs some therapy and if you want to be her friend, you can try to help her get it. If you do that, you at least need to send up boundaries, like “I’m not going to call you every day.” But in all honestly, just reading your post, she sounds damaged and damaged people are not people to hang your hopes with.

Post # 8
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry about your mom.  I hope you can find peace when all this madness is over!

Being a friend is a two-way street – you need to be there for your friend and she needs to be there for you.  That is not happening in this situation and given the events in your life recently (and these are significant events, not “My boyfriend of a month and I broke up” kind of events), she is really not supporting you at all.  I personally think she is being a little selfish and needs to back off a bit.  You are right – talking every day is a LOT!  I think you need to be open and honest with her as the other ladies suggested.  Really consider why you are friends and if things do not improve, can you continue like this?  It sounds like she is pulling you down a bit when you already have so much on your plate.  You can decide what will be best for you and move on from there.

Best of luck with everything that is going on right now!  Hugs 🙂

Post # 9
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sorry to hear of your loss – I couldn’t image how hard that would all be at the same time. Sending you love!

As far as the friend: I think you should talk to her and when she gets defensive ask her if she really wants to be friends because you feel she is not supporting you like she should. I don’t really have a good outlook on people changing. In my experiences they don’t – I would recommend taking a break from her for a while. Good luck with everything!

Post # 10
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

First of all OurWedding, I’m so incredibly sorry that you’ve had to go through such a horrible event.  My thoughts are with you and your family.

I have to say I really agree with JennyW1…

Sometimes we need to reevaluate why we are friends with particular people.  Your friend sounds like my old bff.  We met in high school but grew steadily apart once we hit university, and finally went our separate ways a couple of years ago, after 14 years of friendship.  She was very needy like your friend, calling me and texting me multiple times a day.  It became too much.  She would get upset when I’d have plans with my bf and couldn’t spend all my time with her.  

In the end, I just started distancing myself from her.  It was really really hard at first, but I felt SO much better once all the drama stopped in my life.  I felt bad sometimes, but then I’d just remember the heartached she’d put me through, making me feel like a horrible person because she couldn’t control me anymore.  

Just talk to your friend and let her know what you’re feeling, and if things don’t change then maybe ask her to step down?  You don’t need this extra drama in your life.  Ugh, it’s a tough situation.  So sorry. 

Post # 11
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@OurWedding: 

I am so sorry to hear about your mothers passing. My thoughts are with you at this time, stay strong.

I am African American and when I was reading your story the first thing I thought about was jealousy. Jealous cause you have a man, jealous because you are engaged, jealous because you are planning a wedding. She sounds jealous to me. When I was growing up I had 2 girlfriends who were light skinned, including myself, and one that was dark skinned. My dark skinned girlfriend would always complain about her having dark skinned, to the point where I told her I didn’t want to hear about her skin complexion any more and if she brought it up again around me I would ignore her. Black is beautiful anyway you wear it, let your gf know that. I know that is your sorority sister and you probably don’t want to cause tension but you need to have a serious talk with her about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and supporting you through the wedding and especially your mothers passing.

Post # 12
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m so very sorry about your mom.

You need all the love and support you can get right now, and you aren’t getting it from this girl, plain and simple. I have had a few co-dependent friends, and while they can be very nice people, they always end up being so much work.

The bottom line is that your friends should be a. happy for you that you’ve found someone to spend the rest of your life with and b. supportive and sympathetic to you while you’re grieving your mom.

In my opinion, she isn’t being much of a friend. As other posters have said, friendship is a two-way street. I would sit her down and talk about how you aren’t feeling supported and you think this wedding planning isn’t something she really enjoys – in short, kick her out of the bridal party, but kindly.

I know ditching a Bridesmaid or Best Man is frowned upon, but you are the bride and you’re dealing with a very traumatic loss as well. It isn’t rude to excuse someone from the bridal party for the way she’s been acting. Big hugs, I hope it all works out!

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