(Closed) Jealous FI issues

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1725 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m really not sure…my Fiance is basically the same way…he gets so upset if he even thinks another guy is looking at me…I just tell him to relax or ignore him….also, holding his hand or showing love another way while the guy is around may help reassure him

Post # 5
Member
4432 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i’m sorry but I personally couldn’t marry a guy with trust issues…marriage is built on trust, respect, and love …I think if you don’t have all three and more, you’re just asking for trouble down the line.

Post # 6
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@BellaDee:  THIS!!!!

the ONLY time my Fiance was severely jealous is when we were going through a rough patcha  couple years ago…..i was feeling severely ignored and taken for granted….but we worked through it…

 

Post # 7
Member
5238 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@BellaDee:  This.

Sorry OP, but I find that kind of behaviour emotionally immature and controlling. I also find it incredibly manipulative.

It is very concerning to me that you end up in screaming fights because another man looks at you.  You are not responsible for others, including others looking at you or your partner’s insecurities. He needs to talk to a professional and honestly, I would not recommend staying with him if he does not. This is just not healthy and is very toxic, and a big bar to an intimate & loving relationship. I see young girls and women often think this is loving behaviour,but it is not. It is just unhealthy and immature.

If someone looks at me or hits on me? My husband beams and says he is a lucky guy, and that he would be hitting on me too (and does).

Post # 8
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@marinewifetobe:  This is not something you can actually fix.  This all resides inside your Fiance and it is a HUGE red flag to me.  You can attempt to hold his hand, fix your gaze at him at all times, ignore other men – but it’s not going to remedy this with a man who has poor self esteem.

First you have to believe that you shouldn’t apologize for it, nor should you mold your life so that you are never to interact with any men ever.  Don’t make it your problem – it’s HIS problem. 

Jealous men like this – they just don’t ‘grow’ out of it.  They tend to keep it with them for life because deep down their self esteem is so poor.  Unless he truly wants to do something about himself and seek out counseling, this problem will be in your relationship forever.  Rather than look at his own actions and dig deep down to the self rooted issues, it’s so much easier to try to control you and blame you for things. 

Frankly, jealousy is part of that “fatal flaw” list.  I seriously hope you reconsider a life with a man like this.  He may have a super sweet side, but I just worry about what is to come after your wedding when you’re officially his.

 

“If someone looks at me or hits on me? My husband beams and says he is a lucky guy”

Ditto!  Why?  Because I have a secure, self confident, happy man.  It doesn’t have to be like this.  CHOOSE WISELY.

Post # 9
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

I think you have to put yourself in his shoes. Jealousy is devastating but often the person that suffers from it can’t really control his feelings. He is just insecure and if you really want to be with him you should reassure you love him and that HE has the qualities you like/want in a man.

Read this post:

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/slave-to-jealousy

and see if you don’t sympathize with her. So, just because she is a woman it is ok to be jealous and becaus eyou Fiance is a man he can’t?

I think people here should stop this crazy comments and just realize that the guy is insecure. If you were the jealous one and had a bunch of girls say that your Fi is awesome and have him say: But it is flattering to hear it! How would you feel?

Post # 10
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I dunno. Man or woman, I’d never be able to take that jealous crap. I have low self esteem as well and sure I feel jealousy of how other people look, but I never get mad when girls look at Danny or talk to him or whatever, because I trust him. I think he’s cute, too, I don’t blame them! Lol. But he always respectfully tells them he’s taken and whatnot. I know I have nothing to worry about. 

I think this guy needs individual counseling. Yes, this jealousy itself is likely due to his low self esteem but he’s taking it out on you and he has a severe lack of trust when it comes to you, obviously, and judging from your post, it’s unfounded. The lack of trust is what’s ruining your relationship. 

I don’t know what to say other than I wouldn’t stand for that crap. If Danny was like that I never would have dated him to begin with…but I mean, if you really wanna stick it out, you should probably suggest counseling. You can’t FORCE someone to get help, though…

Post # 11
Member
5238 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@sheilamelo:  I feel the same way about that level of jealousy if it is in a woman as I do if it is in a man. No one should “control” anyone else just because they feel jealous. And yeah, that link you posted, I think that girl should be in therapy if she feels that way and if she reacts that way to her Fiance even talking to another girl. I can sympathize with her, but I do feel that it is unhealthy and she should be taking some actions to address it, rather than just either acting on it, using it to manipulate who her Fiance does and does not talk to, or hoping it will “go away”.

And BS that they cannot “control it”. A mature, self-aware person can recognize that such jealousy, and acting on such jealousy is NOT healthy and they can get themselves into therapy to learn how to address their jealousy. He may not be able to control his feelings right now, but he certainly CAN learn how to control how he acts on those feelings and he CAN change his thinking patterns so that his first feeling is NOT jealousy. The only time “they can’t help it” should apply is if we are talking about newborns or puppies. Adults certainly CAN help it.

Just as my husband feels proud when he sees men look at me or hit on me, I am very proud when other women hit on him or talk about how lucky I am. He works with a few attractive woman and I know a couple who find him quite attractive, and sometimes in his line of work he has other attractive woman flirt with him. He is always very upfront about me, I have met all the women he works with, he talks about me often and they know I am an important part of his life. I am not at all jealous. I trust him, and I trust myself and our relationship to know that others are not a threat to what we have.

Post # 13
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It’s more the fact that he acts like you are gonna run off with the guy cause he hits in you that makes it so much more wrong. Insecurity.jealousy. Lack of trust. Not a good combo. 

Post # 14
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

“He recognizes that its not healthy and he says he’s working on it and I can tell he is but idk how much he can do by himself”

 

Well that’s is good to hear.  However, does he say he’s working on it, then he gets all mad over something, apologize and then say he’s working on it?  Does it seem like a broken record or can you actually see progress?

I would jounral each “incident” that happens when he gets mad/jealous.  Write down what happened, what he said, how it went, what yousaid.  I really think this will help you see the progress.  You read it 6 months from now and you see that your fights are exactly the same, then you’ve got an uh-oh on your hands.

 

Would he read a book?  I found these on Amazon.com.  Get them for free with interlibrary loan.  Seriously, he should be putting more effort into this if he wants to succeed at this relationship.

Jealousy – Get Rid Of Your Jealousy, Insecurity And Controlling Attitudes Within 30 Days – For MenFrancisco Bujan(I am not so convinced anything can be fixed in 30 days, but hey, it could be a good read)

Jealousy – How To Deal With It – For MenFrancisco Bujan

Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness Paul A. Hauck

How to Deal with Jealousy: Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness is Vital for a Healthy Marriage or Relationship. Learn How to Control Your Jealousy NowTaylor Timms

The Othello Response: Dealing with Jealousy, Suspicion and Rage in Your RelationshipKenneth C. Ruge and Barry Lenson (Jun 2003)

The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships Sue Patton Thoele and Cynthia Lynn Wall

How to Overcome Jealousy: How to Stop Jealousy Dead in Its Tracks by Rebecca Steel

Love and Jealousy – Hot to Tame the Dragon of JealousyClea Nuss-Troles

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

I would have a HUGE problem with that much jealousy. I think it would be good if you could get him to see it through your eyes, like you say here:

@marinewifetobe:  “I’m not a jealous person I think its cute when other women flirt with him. Reminds me how great he is.”

That’s healthy. I think that’s how he should feel about you being hit on by other men. He should realize that he’s lucky to be with someone that other people find attractive, and trust that you love him so much you’ve decided that he’s the only man you want.

You mention that he thinks you should find it unflattering when men hit on you. I think it’s up to your discretion to know when a man is being inappropriate/creepy, and when a man is just flattering you. He should trust your judgment on that one, not assume that because you’re engaged, you suddenly find all other men disgusting and creepy. 

Would you guys be interested in going to counseling? I think he needs a new perspective on this, and that might help.

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