(Closed) Jealous fiance.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
35 posts
Newbee

Sounds like he is being controlling. Why aren’t you allowed to have friends over? That’s just ridiculous. And for him to turn his phone off? I’d be ignoring him as well than. 

Post # 48
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@Jw1724:  I think it’s a great sign that he realizes this is his problem not yours. Somewhere in his mind, you having fun takes something away from  him. If you are miserable, then he wont be as miserable.

In a healthy relationship, if my partner is happy (and that includes seeing friends, within healthy boundries), then I’m happy. I hope through therapy he is able to see that his happiness cant be taken away from (or given to him) by what you do (within healthy boundries). We are all responsible for out own happiness. 

Post # 49
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Jw1724:  My son’s dad was EXACTLY like this.

I swear he was delusional at times– it’s like he’d make up his own reality and that was the truth– not the actual truth.  Once he decided something was one way– it was impossible to change his mind.  

That is itself was enough to make me go mad.  It never changed through the course of our six year relationship, even after numerous talks and promises.

And he’s still like this in his current relationship.  How do I know?  He’s been on and off dating one of my good friends for over a year, so I hear about it.

 

I don’t know what to tell you….it’s really nice to see that he said he wants to see a therapist.  It’s a step in the right direction.

 

 

Post # 51
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@Jw1724:  Yes but his choices to keep all of his money and have no social life in highschool or college were his choices. You didn’t make him keep his money. You don’t make him not spend it. And so what, every few weeks you go do something…what are you supposed to do, stay at home and do nothing?? Fuck that.

You’re not forcing him not to go out, you’re not forcing him not to have friends, you’re not forcing him to not make plans with his buddies, you’re not forcing him to keep his money, and you probably didn’t force him to help you with your student loans either. THIS IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG. YOU DID NOT HURT HIM, HE IS HURTING HIM. DH helps me pay bills (I’m a student) and doesn’t get mad if I go out and have a nice dinner with some friends. Sheesh. And you stuck to your end of the agreement. You had a bottle of wine and people over. TA DA. You held up your end of the bargain.

You didn’t hurt him. HE is letting himself get butthurt over something completely ridiculous. 

Nope. He either sees a therapist, or I’d be gone. 

Post # 52
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@Jw1724:  Er…I can’t see that there are many more frugal ways to have fun than just hanging out at home with friends. If you were going out to expensive bars and buying all of your friends champagne then fine, that could be a budget issue. Having five friends at home for a potluck/drinks is not a budget issue.

It sounds like he is jealous that you are able to enjoy yourself with friends and he isn’t. But frankly, with an attitude like ‘if I can’t have fun, nobody gets to have fun! *sulk*DRAMA-INSULTS-ACCUSATIONS*sulk*’ I can see why he doesn’t have many friends.

Please do not marry this guy until he gets some serious therapy for this issue. Many guys with these tendencies only get worse, and that is not a good place to be.

Post # 53
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He is a ticking time bomb. Things are bound to escalate. Unless serious changes are made immediately, I’d bail. I can’t imagine always tiptoeing around about having friends over. His problems are his own doing and it’s up to him to change things.

I’m in a position where I see this type of situation play out time and time again. Rarely do the instigators changes their ways; more often they turn into insecure, jealous batterers. I hope things work our for you OP. Good luck.

Post # 54
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@Jw1724:  Question:  is the reason he can’t go out because his schedule is so crazy (which is the impression I get earlier)– or because you guys can’t afford it?

 

I get that it might be frustrating when you’ve given someone money to help them out, and then you see them spend money on “fun” stuff…..but it’s all circumstantial, IMO.

My husband– he lost his job over something absolutely ridiculous (we worked together so I knew the whole scenario).  He had money in savings, and he was good at managing his money.

It was early in our relationship, but we both knew we’d end up together.  He is a very honest, hardworking guy– so I told him– should he need some money for his truck payment/anything else that he should just talk to me.  It didn’t mean I could absolutely help, but I would if I could.  I ended up giving him $500 to pay off the very last of what he owed on his truck.  Obvioulsy he was going to be pay me back- but we started living together and we’re married now, so it’s a moot point.

He still enjoyed bowling league each week ($50) and we still went out together.  It took him MONTHS to find a job.  He has a degree (an odd one, but he still has a degree.  He also has excellent management skills– but STILL it took him forever.  

This is getting longer than I wnted it to– but all I am trying to say is:  even though I helped my husband out with his debt- and I worked ALL the time and have a 5 year old— which meant that yep, my husband had more free time/bowlig league each week– and sometimes social plans that I couldn’t attend because of work…..I didn’t tell him he couldn’t go out/spend some money (he’s responsible in general, so I never had to worry he’s spend too much).

Did I once in awhile wish I was out having a beer with at bowling instead of working?  You bet– but I knew his character, and knew that he was working hard to find a job.  I wasn’t interested in punishing him in the meantime.

 

Do you guys plan on joining finances?  It doesn’t sound to me like you go overboard….which is why I think his reaction is abit overbaord.

Post # 55
Member
2478 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This really is a red flag and I’m afraid that if he is like this now, marriage won’t change his jealous attitude for the better. I say this from experience of an ex who could come up with all sorts of reasons why my activities were somehow less valuable than his and I wished I’d concluded the relationship at lot earlier than I did.

So far as your Fiance is concerned, it’s a real shame that he’s missed out on stuff when younger but actually, he has to move on. Making you feel guilty or made to justify perfectly innocent activities is not acceptable. I think that some form of counselling would be very helpful and I’d insist that he follows this route. Not allow him to merely “research” his options.

Using emotive words like “lied” when no untruth exists or being made to keep your expenses to an absolute minimum because you owe him some sort of gratefulness is wrong. It’s not wrong to budget but this has to come from a need to be careful with money, not because of a guilt-trip that he’s laid onto you.

I can’t understand why you are supposed to suffer from isolation just because he works an unsocial shift either. That’s not the behaviour of a mature, caring, partner.

My DH’s illness means that he doesn’t get to do things we once did together and we’ve not been able to have our usual vacations this year either. But for sure, he does not want me to isolate myself from activities that cheer me up.  Last weekend I travelled hundreds of miles up country with my drumming group to perform at a festival. It’s a prestigious event and we needed to be away from Friday to Sunday. Did my DH make me feel guilty for going? Hell no! His parting words were “Have the best weekend ever and come home with lots of fun stories”. Oh, and, completely unasked for, he gave me the equivalent of $200 to cover my expenses and ensure that I could treat myself while away. 

You aren’t even expecting your Fiance to cope with trips away from home so there’s no excuse for being so jealous about a simple visit from your girlfriends while he’s at work.

Please think very carefully about how much more of his jealousy you are prepared to tolerate.

Post # 56
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

He is not a martyr just because he didn’t “live it  up” in college. That was his choice and shouldn’t affect you. He is selling something I would not buy.

Post # 57
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

He should be happy you are having fun. Does he expect you to just sit in the house alone and wait for him? He really needs to get his emotions under control. 

Post # 58
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

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@Steampunkbride:  +1 to every word said

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@luckylady3090:  +1 to the idea that it was his choice to not “live it up” in college. The onus shouldn’t be on you.

I would honestly hold back on ANY wedding planning while this is being resolved. The fact that he thinks it’s OK to make you feel guilty about the occasional girls night in is messed up. Even the fact that he starts hating himself for what he did seems to be pretty ridiculous too. The situation has now been made about him and his feelings rather than just him simply admitting that he was very sorry.

I really hope that he gets the counseling and makes things work. I’m really glad that you are sticking to your guns and telling him that his behavior is unacceptable. Good luck!!

Post # 59
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Never mind

Post # 60
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@KoiKove: very well said!

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@Jw1724:  I hope he agrees to go through with the therapy. He needs it. I hope that you don’t proceed to marry him until this is resolved.

Also, premarital counseling for both of you together is a must!

Wishing you well OP.

Post # 61
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

dear god. enjoy putting up with that for the rest of your life if you marry him!!! he needs to grow up ASAP. what a drain

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