(Closed) Jealous fiance.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

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@Jw1724:  – Wow!!! He is emotionally manipulating you. Turning his phone off was his way of punishing you. He KNEW it would bother you which was his sole purpose in doing it.  These tendencies are extremely hard to change, even with therapy, and it is emotionally draining to be in a relationship with these type of people because you never know what will “set them off.”

Sorry, don’t take this the wrong way, but you seem to keep making excuses for him.

“He tends to be very jealous that I get to have more fun than him.” – This is not seen in a healthy, mature relationship; and definitely should not be seen in one leading to marriage.

“there’s no way you only had a couple people over tonight. You lied to me. I’m turning my phone off.” – So what if you had more than a couple of people over. This sounds more like conversation one would have with their child not their fiance/girlfriend/partner.  You are grown, whether you had 2 or 20 people over is really irrelavant. 

“but i was asking him to just stop making me feel guilty about doing things.” “He never had fun in high school. He saved every penny he had. Same in college.” Lots of people don’t have fun in college because they are broke, again, this does not explain the irrational, controlling behavior.

I hope he changes, I really do; but generally people like this get worse over time and are VERY reluctant to seek help because they usually don’t believe there is anything wrong with them.

Post # 63
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

Well I know its kind of crazy that Fiance would get jealous of how much fun I have at girls night or at my free time but that’s sometimes the case. He works really har for us, sometimes even for straight 20 hours with 4 hours sleep and then 20 hours again. I really get it he is very exhauste most of the time. And although he seems happy at times that i have my girls making up for times he over at work sometimes he gets jealous. I just try to turn down the volume of fun that were having so that he is not feeling to bad. But about picking up a fight because 5 girls came over not 2 thats a bit weird. Maybe he was stressed and took it out on you? Is that normally the case?

Post # 64
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

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@Jw1724:  Major, major red flags.

 

He’s not going to change. People just don’t stop being insecure and jealous. 

It will get worse. It always does. Is this something you want to deal with for the rest of your life?!

Post # 68
Member
507 posts
Busy bee

He definitely does need help. But you need to protect yourself – and that is why people are being super hard on him. Also, my Fiance reacts differently than yours, so obviously I cannot appreciate how yours would even dare to treat you. At the end of the day, therapy is a must and do not marry him until you see real progress here. You seem to see that so i am not seeing a huge problem with your personal choice to stay.

The one thing, is that maybe your asking him to hang out with his friends is making him feel more inadequate. Maybe think of your own phrasing so that you are not implying something like (why are you not hanging out with them/ i.e. what is wrong with you, you goof?). I am in NO way blaming you for this – it is on him – but if you guys are going to go to counseling together and he is going to be working on this then maybe there is some communication you can do to support him through this. Again, I am very much saying this is not your fault, but I wanted to try to offer a thought to support your desire to stay with him and support him. 

Post # 69
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@Jw1724:  look, your right. and im sorry for being harsh, i just see the same behaviour in my best friend with her partner and its so so hard to watch, i havent met you or seen you and your partner together, so maybe i did jump in a bit much but it sounds so close to home for me that i just think run as fast as you can cos thats what we want our best friend to do here – we support her of course but its heart breaking.
example – he made her ball her eyes out at my wedding because she was Maid/Matron of Honor and sat at the head table with the bridal party and not with him and he spat the dummy and ignored her the whole night etc. hes a bastard. anyway……

 

good luck – follow your heart cos your heart always wins

 

Post # 70
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@Jw1724:  That must be so frustrating for you. I hope he does find a way to deal with it and move on. Best of luck to both of you.

Post # 72
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

He sounds extremely unhappy with his own life and like he is taking that out on you. Therapy for him is a must & I would be sure to sort through this before getting married. There are some big red flags in this situation that really need to be dealt with before they escalate. 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it must be painful for the both of you. Just do not allow yourself to feel guilty for investing in your life and your circle of friends. The alternative–making yourself smaller in order to protect him from facing how unhappy he is with his own life–serves nobody in the long run. 

Post # 74
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@Jw1724:  my responses were never meant to be harsh, just genuine concern for a fellow bee.

 

Good luck with everything, sincerely wishing you both the best.

Post # 75
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@Jw1724:  honestly, having been in a job i have hated,i can relate, hating your job effects EVERY aspect of your life (im not condoning his behaviour) but im glad now i understand more. i think cos you spend so much time at work and if you hate it you become this other person and its awful. support helps and encouragement to get a new job x

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