Post # 1
Hi girls I’ve been browsing this forum for a while but have only just joined. I need some advice on a situation with a close friend of mine. We’ve known each other for 10 years, live in different areas now but keep in touch via email/phone and meet up every few months.
We were both in similar situations with our bf’s. I desperately wanted to get married but my bf “wasn’t ready yet”, and hers told her from the beginning that he never wanted to marry or have children. Even though she wanted these things she made the decision to stay with him anyway because she loved him.
A few months back my boyfriend finally proposed after almost 10 years together (I can hear your gasps!!). We were away at the time so after I’d told my family I announced our news to friends on facebook. We received lots of congratulatory messages on there and came home to many engagement cards. However, I heard nothing at all from her. A week passed so I sent her an email asking how she was. Her reply was “I’m ok. Congratulations on engagement.” I know things can be misconstrued in email but this was definitely not her usual tone and sounded quite blunt to me. Also I wondered if she’d have congratulated me at all had I not emailed her first.
My initial thought was that she was jealous of my news. I expected her above anyone to be happy for me – I’d poured my heart out over the years about the marriage issue, and she was really supportive over it. Having said that, she is quite a negative person in general.
I decided not to bring up my engagement to her after this. We exchanged lots of emails and eventually she started asking me questions and I felt comfortable talking about my wedding plans to her. When we met in person last she seemed ok to talk about it too (although not overly keen). However, lately whenever I bring up wedding talk via email she either sends a short reply such as “that’s good” or doesn’t reply at all. I know this is probably down to her being jealous and bitter, but I’ve become paranoid that I talk about my wedding too much. I am so conscious of it that now when I am around other people I wait to be asked before I say anything.
If she is jealous (which is likely) I can see it from her point of view as I have felt jealous in the past when friends got engaged. However I have never made them feel bad/uncomfortable for talking about it.
Has anyone been in a similar situation to this?
Post # 3
It sounds like your friend may be contemplating her own relationship and where it is heading. I wouldn’t call it jealousy and bitterness since she sounds like she is still trying to be your friend and engage you in wedding talk every now and then. It’s probably just difficult for her. If you are her friend, maybe ask her more about what is going on in her life and see if she’s more upset than usual about anything.
Post # 4
i think it actually isn’t a bad idea to wait until someone else brings up your wedding to talk about it, whether it is this girl or not. and you always have the hive for people who are more than willing to talk shop =)
Post # 5
I agree with the previous posters, she proably is NOT jealous. Some people really aren’t into weddings and she honestly might be tired of talking about yours. I wouldn’t talk about it unless someone else brings it up.
Post # 6
I think it’s a touch harsh to call her “jealous and bitter.” That your wedding MAY be a bit of a tender subject for her does not mean she’s sitting up nights poking a voodoo doll with pins.
She’s not actively trying to sabotage your celebration or relationship, right? Or badmouthing you to mutual friends? It may be that she’s just not hugely enthused by conversations about table runners and favors. Save the wedding chat for other engaged or married friends and talk about other stuff with her. How she’s doing and her life might be good starting points.
Post # 7
I tried not to talk about wedding stuff until someone brought it up. And even then there were a few people who I had on my mental No No list. Meaning they might ask but they are going to say something snide, condescending, or super sarcastic. So with those people I kept my answer very short and just talked about other stuff.
For a lot of them I don’t think it was jealousy but there’s other reason, the most common one from people I knew were that they thought weddings were gift grabby, overdone, overbudget, wasteful events. Soooooooo……..it didn’t come up too much with them.
Post # 8
I really don’t know the situation, but I am just going to throw this out there. Maybe she is upset that you did not tell her yourself, and she heard via facebook. I’ve had 2 very good friends get engaged (one best from high school- known 13 years) and another I’ve known 3 years. I heard about both of their engagements via facebook – one of them MONTHS after the engagement based on her sister’s comment on her wall about wedding planning. I was really hurt that my friends could not have bothered to even send a mass e-mail to let me know. I understood that there are a lot of people to inform, but a) waiting months is ridiculous and b) e-mail while still somewhat impersonal, at least signifies that you are important enough to inform. I had to e-mail one friend to ask for the details.
Long story short, maybe she is not upset about you getting engaged, but how you choose to inform her. Granted, although I was upset about the way I heard about my respective friends’ engagements, I still sent hearty congratulations because I was genuinely happy and excited for them. But some people hold grudges, so it’s a possibility.
Post # 9
@ Krises – you took the words right outta my post! I was super bummed when my close friend didn’t call me to tell me she was engaged and I had to call her…
Are the emails your sending just wedding related or are they general stuff with a little wedding info, cause if she’s not in the bridal party or asking you about it I’m pretty sure getting emails just about your wedding aren’t on the top of her reply list. It’s really easy to get caught up in our own wedding stuff, but I’d just take a little time and ask her what’s going on in her life, how she’s doing and say you’re excited about your wedding and about sharing the experience with her.
Post # 10
Yes! I no longer speak to two ex-friends because they had the same exact reaction as your friend. As in, I got engaged, announced to family and started reaching out to tell people while others congratulated me on FB. Then when I finally reached out to both of these girls, their responses were the same “Yes, I heard. Congratulations.”
I never responded to either of them. I was livid, I mean how coudl they have heard about my engagement and not reached out to congratulate me? And in addition to that (since I guess it is excusable in the right situation) they didn’t even seem excited or apologetic for nto reaching out. I decided immediately to cut them out by not making an effort to keep in touch since I knew they would not be supportive.
Both girls are/were being strung along by SO’s who wouldn’t commit. One girl’s SO kept her waiting for 7 years then finally when confronted said he didn’t know so she flipped out and left the country (her parents are rich and supplemented her little flee). The other moved across the country for her SO 5 years ago under the premise they would get engaged and it still hasn’t happened. So I can see why they were jealous. But a good friend will put her own issues aside and rise up to be happy for you.
Post # 11
one of my so-called bff’s reaction to my engagement ring was: ‘oh. it’s nice’ and turns around. i’m just like.. whatever. you have to let it roll off your back, otherwise it’ll just aggravate the **** out of you. she;s actually one of my BM’s now, and honestly, it’s a bit odd when i speak with her regarding the planning and etc. so i just keep everything to myself. it really sucks when your best gf’s aren’t really ‘there’ for you when they say they would be.
Post # 12
Some people are selfish and/or jealous and don’t know how to deal with their own emotional feelings. Don’t let it bother you. One of the most important things I’ve learned about wedding planning is that you have to just vent and plan with people who WANT to hear about it…people who inquire and care. Figure out who those people are and cling to them for support…forget about everyone else.
Post # 13
I agree with the other ladies on this post Jealous and Bitter are very strong words to use. Personally if a close friend of mine posted on her facebook that she was engaged and never personally called to share the news i would feel slighted and hurt. Having recently experienced what its like to be friends with a bride who for a year straight never contacted me or made plans to see me unless it involved her wedding its understandable why she may not be as involved as you would like her to be. I recommend you take some time and contact her via phone or in person and make an effort catching up with her and non related wedding topics I know i would hve appreciated this from my friend.
Post # 14
I am going to agree with most of the hive about how they feel that it may have been the way that you had announced your engagement to them. I know that some people were upset that I did not tell them first, but to me they were not more important than my family and my best girlfriends. I will say though that there are some people that are yes, maybe a little jealous because she does not have that but i will say some people dont feel the same happiness and excitement about the wedding planning. for example: i had a co worker, and when i got engaged she would ask me all happy and excited about what was going on with the wedding planning, but when she heard me talking about it with someone else, she would say, “oh who gives a sh!t” after that i never talked about it with her and when she fake asked if i was excited i would just say yes. sometimes you just have to keep it simple. i hope this all helps
Post # 15
It sounds like a few things are going on. One – she is probably upset you didn’t tell her before finding out on facebook. You said you guys were best friends so she probably was hurt you didn’t call her. Two – she is probably thinking about her relationship and where it’s going. Three – how many e-mails are you sending? 1 or 2, or is it more like 10-20 a day? If it’s a lot, honestly no one has time to write a heart felt response to every single e-mail.
My advice would be to just ask her what’s wrong and if everything is okay. Good luck!
Post # 16
I had a somewhat similar situation with one of my good college gf’s. I actually called her to tell her the good news about our engagement, and her response was, “I knew I’d be the last one to get married.” It took her about 3 days to call me back and say, “Oh yeah, and congratulations. I guess I should say that.” Then she’s kinda freaky-deaky about her birthday, and she usually tries to get the college group together to do something around her birthday. So, of course that was the one summer date that was available at the location we wanted to be married at. We opted for a fall wedding instead so that we didn’t rain on her birthday parade…when I mentioned to her that the other option for a date was her birthday (even after she knew that we set the date for October), she responded with, “Oh yeah, I definitely would have had to boycott that one.” Okaaaay…that’s two really annoying things. Then, when I had told her the date, she asked if that was the weekend of a convention in a nearby town that she was planning on going to, and she didn’t want to have to drive from Massachusetts to central PA two different weekends. So after all that, I was still talking to her, no biggie, because I know how she is. (Generally grumpy) Then I mentioned something about the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses. And she flipped out. She sincerely believed that she should be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and was incredibly offended that I hadn’t asked her. I tried to be nice about it, saying she lives so far away, and we had decided to keep it down to 3 BMs. plus she has talked to me about being tight on money, so I didn’t want to have to put her in the position of having to buy a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress. Didn’t matter. She was TICKED. The next day she put some passive-aggressive comment on FB about not knowing who your friends are and how weddings change people’s priorities. That was enough for me. I didn’t make any attempt to contact her, didn’t care to. After about 2 months she called me and acted like everything was hunky-dory. Jealous? Yes. Bitter? It’s a strong word, but pretty much so. This whole ordeal definitely altered my friendship with this girl. And I am very uncomfortable talking to her about anything regarding the wedding. So, I can see where you’re coming from. So you didn’t call her to tell her about the engagement….I can understand her being somewhat annoyed, but come on, FB is how a lot of things are announced these days. I’ve found out about engagements, pregnancies, new babies, etc all by FB. The point of FB is that it’s easy to keep in touch with all of your friends and let them know what’s happening in your life. I can see it if she’s your sister and you didn’t tell her, or your parents….but a friend you keep in contact with over phone and email? All I can say is, Whatever. Be happy for us or go sulk by yourself. I’m not letting your negativity bring me down. (Now I’m irritated all over again after just thinking about that whole situation.)