(Closed) jealous friend making things about herself…. vent.

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
6391 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t want to go into details….but I know how you feel, and yeah, that would totally bother me!

Post # 4
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ok wow. Normally I’m the person telling people who feel slighted (esp. by bridesmaids) to chill out, but frankly? this friend’s behavior is really awful.  To the point that I actually feel sorry for HER – she’s just made herself look pathetic in front of everyone there who knows she’s not actually engaged.

Now, I don’t actually think there’s much to be gained by confronting her, as you said.  She would probably just get defensive and accuse you of being bridezilla. (Which you are NOT!) But if it makes it easier, just remind yourself that you were the one who looked classy, and she was the one who looked self-absorbed and desperate.

Post # 5
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

it would bother me, but i think i’d feel more sorry for this girl as she just seems kinda pathetic.   i def wouldnt say anything cos then it appears that you are stirring up drama even though it is justified, you know?  i would just distance myself from her a bit.

Post # 6
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry that you had a bad time because of this girl, but can I ask you why you are friends with her, if she upsets you so much? I mean I have friends, and we fight sometimes, but like they don’t genuinely upset me like this.

Post # 7
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Did she make it seem like she was coming with you to support you or was it something she was interested in going to be cause she is planning a wedding as well (whether or not it is official yet)? I can see why you are bothered but maybe it was just a different in expectations. I know I was looking at ideas long before I got engaged and if my friends were going to a bridal show I would tag along to find some ideas for myself.

I’m sorry it wasn’t as good of experience as it could have been for you!

Post # 8
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

haha wombat and i have the same viewpoint to a T.

Post # 9
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Um, I hate to say it, but I don’t think that her lying about her bridal status to a stranger at a bridal convention is stealing the spotlight from you. I mean, a bridal show is not really your moment, is it? Probably what happened is she heard you were going, figured you were a friend and hey, wouldn’t mind if she came along, and then decided to play bride for the day because it was fun and she could get some free stuff. Now, if she went to your SHOWER and then decided to parade around flaunting a fake engagement ring or something, that’d be different. But since you asked, if it were me, I’d think it fun and kind of humorous if my friend came along and pretended to be a bride along with me. 

So I think your interpretation of this event is irrational; that said, it may be irrational because it’s the latest in a long string of events in which she’s stolen your thunder, which I’ll take your word for. That’s more to do with your relationship with this friend and ultimately boils down to whether or not you want to remain friends with her. If it’s truly that big of a deal and outweighs the positive things she brings to the relationship, then go ahead and distance yourself. 

But do ask yourself a tough question: are your expectations of what it means to be a bride exasperating the situation–in other words, do you expect too much to have special treatment or are you gripping the spotlight a little too much? It’s common for all of us brides to get a little swept up in that and lose perspective on things–like the fact that perhaps it’s not about her stealing your thunder, but maybe she’s having a hard time watching you getting ready to be married while she’s still waiting. Just food for thought. 

Post # 12
112 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@Isaidyes2012:  i totally feel your pain. almost the same thing happened to me last year, but it only got worse from there. i blame myself for part of what happened though. i am also writing under a different name for the same reason you are.

let me tell you what happened to me and take it as a warning for you!

about a year before i got engaged, i looked at rings with Fiance. i told my friend, lets call her Jane. her reaction “i better get engaged before YOU!”  i brushed it off, as i know she is pessimistic by nature, she had been dating her Boyfriend or Best Friend for about 5 years, i was with mine for 3, and no one was engaged at the moment, so i didn’t make an issue of her comment and forgot about it.

a year later, i get engaged. i call her, ask her to my Bridesmaid or Best Man etc.  she pretends to be happy for me, i find out that after we got off the phone she yelled her Boyfriend or Best Friend for an hour. no joke.

bridal show comes up several months later, i ask my BMs if they want to come. 3 of them including Jane say yes.  Two of them are supportive and looking at stuff with me and for me.  Jane fills out her own ballots etc just like your friend. it didn’t bother me that much or at least i didn’t let it. i guess it did a bit, because i kind of did just want my BMs there for me, but i didn’t want to be a bridezilla so i said nothing to no one about how i felt.

a few more months go by (by the way, all this time i am planning a destination wedding), then one night a bunch of us are hanging out and Jane’s Boyfriend or Best Friend asks me in front of everyone how i would hypothetically feel if another friend of mine got married the same place and week as my destination wedding. in the moment, i thought it was a neat idea.  biggest. mistake. ever.  

So long story short, Jane is getting married 3 days after me.  she never really did get engaged. for months after they asked me i didnt think about it too much because we never talked about it and she didnt seem that serious.  then she became serious. tried to dictate WHERE we get married. and in her nature and personality, she complains about everything ALL the time.  so now our weddings our booked. i had to put my foot down about getting married where i want and can afford according to me and my Fiance.  so she complains to all our mutual friends who are my BMs about the wedding planner, the customer service, has told people ho9w much things cost. She even gave out some of her wedding invitations at my bridal shower!  anytime i have an idea for my wedding, i found from her or someone else that she is doing it too! i have since learned to keep my mouth shut about the details i am adding to make my wedding more personalized.

anyway, thats my story in  a nutshell. i deal with it by constantly reminding myself that ON my wedding day everything will be perfect and all that matters is that i get to marry Fiance.  and it helps that my wedding is BEFORE hers!

let it be a warning though, don’t be afraid to speak it if and when she does get engaged.  and also, i would suggest keeping your mouth closed around her when it comes to your wedding!

Post # 13
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I UTTERLY feel your pain!

You can read my first post about my deranged friend-and-bridesmaid who believes herself to be getting married to a man she’s only just met for the first time less than two months ago, just as she truly believes she’s going to marry every man she dates (and subsequently frightens away) within twenty-four hours of meeting him. 

The other day we went out to lunch. I didn’t bring up my wedding, except for one brief important fact about how it had changed cities completely, and then I moved on. But the floodgates were open. She started talking about what kind of shoes she was going to wear at her wedding because the ground would be soft. I could only just stare at her. She was talking like a real bride, with a real date, and a man who had started talking marriage with her. And trust me, this man hasn’t. 

I realized, though, that she’s deranged, and to any outsiders she probably looks as much. As other posters have said, your friend probably came across as deranged, too. I don’t think that these girls are consciously trying to make it all about them – I think that they feel so unstable, so worthless, without a man in their lives who is willing to marry them that they literally CANNOT stand it when they have to be reminded that they don’t have that. I think it stems from a deep lack of self-esteem, and so I try to be patient. Sometimes I put in a comment like, “You’re lucky you’re planning so far ahead for when you actually do get engaged,” but maybe that’s not entirely cruel – maybe as her friend, it’s partially my job to bring her down to reality in a nice way. 

You could try that, or you could distance yourself from her. Try to remember that it probably isn’t engineered to be rude or mean to you – it’s just her own emotional issues. 

Post # 14
9 posts
  • Wedding: March 2011

@Isaidyes2012: Planning your wedding seems to be a double edged sword – you really get to see who your true friends are. Kudos to your bridesmaid for doing what you asked. Be happy that you have support in your decisions. You have every right to be upset. When it comes down to it, you get this opportunity once and you have to enjoy it. If it is a rocky friendship to begin with, be ok with letting it go if it comes to that. Personally (being non-confrontational myself) I would just make sure that she is not included in events like that in the future. As for the Fiance not getting it, he’s a guy and is used to resolving things in a completely different manor and gets upset about things we don’t understand completely either. That’s why we are here for you in the boards 🙂

Post # 16
5103 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have had issues with a friend making our whole friendship about herself. And she was supposed to be my MOH! (Fortunately we nipped that in the bud already). But that’s another story!

I would talk to her about it, calmly, and let her know how she is acting is really hurting your feelings. And if all she can do is get angry about it, that just shows what kind of “friend” she really is. She should be giving you support, not stealing your thunder.

If she won’t stop, distance yourself, like another bee said. And be thankful she’s not a part of your wedding party. Only you can control how you feel, don’t let someone else push you around.

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