(Closed) Jealous Friends

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Maybe she is genuinely concerned you are rushing. It doesn’t have to be jealousy. You were in an abusive relationship, it takes time to get over that. I’m sure you have taken time but, in HER opinion, maybe not enough? You never know how long is long enough for each person.

Point is, you don’t have to be so harsh on her or think that she’d rather see you crying and depressed just because she isn’t gung-ho over this. If she has been dating her SO longer, then she probably is feeling a bit jealous. Doesn’t make her concern not real though. My point is….there are two sides to every story and more than one reason behind feelings.

Post # 4
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

How long have you been with your FI?

I was that jealous friend who acted like an a-hole when one of my best friends got engaged quickly. I was with my Fiance (BF at the time) for over 3 years when she started dating her (now) husband. They got engaged 6 months later and I did not take it well. I felt that it should have been me and I was green with envy. Looking back, I totally regret the way I acted and if I could turn back time, I would have been happy for them. Sometimes we let our emotions take over and we don’t realize how we are making our friends feel. 

ETA: After going back and re-reading your OP, I agree with the other PP’s. Maybe she is just genuinely concerned about how fast you are taking this next step. 

Post # 5
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

How long have you been with your fiance? and how recently did you end the previous relationship? If she was there for you when you were down, then I wouldnt rush to say that she is jealous just because she is telling you to wait. Like pp said that may just be her opinion especially after seeing you so down over the previous guy

Post # 7
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@KevinsWife: You guys have definitely been together long enough to be taking the next step. Maybe she is just jealous. If thats the case then I would talk to her about it and if she still can’t be supportive, maybe cutting ties will be best for everyone involved. 

Post # 8
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

She could be comparing how long you were with the previous d-bag with how long you’ve been with Fiance. NOT saying it’s right, but that could be where she is finding her logic/justification.

I think jealousy is playing a part in it though. But I still stick with a combo of lots of things is making her be less-than-friendly. This is kind of off topic, but she isn’t in your Wedding Party is she?

Post # 10
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think the likely bit of jealousy at not being engaged/married herslef, along with the sting of not being inlcuded in the Wedding Party explain a lot about her feelings right now.

She’s hurt.  She’s hurt she’s not where you are in her own relationship, and anyone reading the waiting boards know that when you’re ready and he’s not, it wreaks havoc with your self esteem.  Then, after being what she thought was a good friend and trying to support you during and after your bad relationship, she doesn’t get inlcuded in your Wedding Party once you’re in a good relationship. Also, even though it’s normal, especially if you have found a new life path and she’s not on a similar path, she sees you as deserting her for church and your now Fiance.

People aren’t rational beings, no matter how hard we try.  From her point of view, you “used” her for support and then ditched her for church, your Fi, wahtever.  In her eyes, you didn’t honor your pst friendship by asking her to be a bridesmaid, etc. In her eyes, YOU left HER, which is why you’re not spending time together.  Friendships DO fade over time if those in it change a lot of who they are – My best friend from high school and I almost have nothing to talk about anymore when we meet. 

I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong, but am trying to show you how it can look to her – not that SHE’S being ugly and jealous about the upswing in your life… but that YOU’VE left her behind.  I really don’t know how to make her feel any better about your friednship, other than to, if you want, invite her to lunch, and lay it out for her why you picked whomever you did for the Wedding Party, that you felt she wouldn’t be intersted and you don’t want to feel that your happiness is interfering with hers. I mean, think about – she’s facing the fact her Boyfriend or Best Friend hasn’t “picked” her, yet to be his wife…. and now her friend hasn’t “picked” her to be in her wedding, either.  That can feel like a whole lotta rejection.

 

Post # 11
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is very frustrating, I know. I had a friend once who was what I call a “Fun Sponge”. She was only ‘happy’ when you could sit with her and be miserable together. The moment I was in a happy relationship, she was upset that SHE wasn’t. I dropped her. It wasn’t worth it to me to have someone like that in my life. However, she wasn’t a “close” friend to begin with.

I do have a Bridesmaid or Best Man that is jealous of me, too. We’ve been together a shorter time than she and her bf have been — so that makes it worse. The comments, remarks, or looks can be very hurtful, and I don’t think they are trying to hurt you. I think that’s the thing we need to aware of…they’re so insecure about comparing their relationship to yours and they don’t see how they are being.

I’d have a talk with her about how every relationship is different and not to compare yours with hers.  And if she’s really hurting you, I’d consider taking a time out from your friendship — give it space. And if she is wondering about the distance you could respond that you felt attacked by her comments and how she can’t be happy for you.

TRUE friends are there for you in your worst moments — but also in your happiest moments.

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