Post # 47
Thank you all for your help. I just finished talking to him on the phone as he was heading to his lunch break. I told him we will need to have a serious discussion tonight. I have decided I will tell him to pick between us as some suggested. We will go to marriage counselling. I don’t think I went into this with my eyes shut. I went into this because I love him very much and he has been part of my life and my support system for a very long time. It is just a shame that he was not completely honest with me whilst I decidded to fully trust him and not check that far. He has shown to be reliable in the past and to give you some more details about this, his father was not my biggest fan but he picked me over him and told him he will still marry me no matter what he says. At that point I was also really worried in being part about that family; but he supported me through it and showed me that only I mattered to him and they will all have to get over it. Few people would be ready to cut ties with their family for you and when I failed once my one of my classes he left his work and put an out of office reply that he has to cater to some family emergency and he flew in to see me…so many details like that happened that really prooved to me that he loved and cared about me. If it was not for that text she sent him while i had his phone during our honeymoon I would not have checked their previous conversations. When I love I fully trust until you really give me a reason to doubt and I don’t think I am wrong for that. It is a shame that this happened after the wedding even though I don’t think I would have broke up with him even if we were not married, I would have just pushed the wedding. I am a firm believer that if something worthy is broken, you fix it; you don’t trow it away until you have tried all you can to fix it.
Thank you to all you bees that have taken the time to advice me on this. I have taken good notes and hopefully we can fix it but my first option will not be divorce.
Post # 48
@Nora8: Your his wife and you come first – at least, you should. People will only do what you let them get away with. You say you don’t want a divorce and I respect that you know what’s best for you. However, I really do think he needs to make a choice and it shouldn’t be a hard choice to make.
My husband would know on his own that this behaviour would not be okay. The fact that you even have to tell him is problematic. He’s aware enough to hide it from you but doesn’t want to give her up. I see red flags all over the place and never would have married him. I don’t come second to anyone.
However, only you know what you can tolerate.
Post # 49
@kellyk1214: If she married him for legal reasons, I highly doubt she’d be concerned about what he’s doing *rolls eyes*
Post # 50
“he said he did not want to worry me as there is nothing there to worry about and he knew I would stress over this and make it a big deal and it is not.”
Erm, nope. If it wasn’t something he thought was necessary to hide, he wouldn’t. He needs to cut off contact if it’s all so innocent on his part. I don’t have much more advice than to say you should be putting down serious boundaries.
Post # 51
@Nora8: i think it’s a good idea to sit down and talk with your dh but……
i do have to say that giving him an ultimatum (it’s her or me) is probably not the right thing to do. i know that many people do it but in the end it seldom works out. he needs to want to stop contact with her and choose you without given this option. forcing someone to do something does not work. it may work for a small period of time but they will resort back to their old ways.
you need to try a different tactic here. you need to maintain control of this relationship and where it’s going. he seems to have all of the control and by giving him the option, her or me, he still has the control.
you need to let him know that you are not happy with the situation and why. tell him how this makes you feel. be open and honest but never lose control. stay calm. then tell him that you are going to make a decision on whether or not you will want to continue putting up with his behaviour. this still offers the same result as the ultimatum but it keeps you in the driver’s seat and makes him realize what he could lose, not what he gives up. if this does not force him to solely decide to stop contact with this other girl, you will then know where his loyalties lie.
good luck. i truly hope it works out for you.
Post # 52
@Nora8: If he’s going to secretly buy a house with her, and she knows his bank account details….that is absolutely not normal. My best friend wouldn’t even know who I bank through, let alone my account number. Honestly, it sounds like he’s fixing to have somewhere to go to – the house they both intend to own together. This is way beyond a normal friendship. If he had nothing to hide, why would he hide all these details from you? It’s one thing to omit ‘I talked to [name] today’, but another entirely to omit ‘I’m going to buy a property with [name]’. He’s doing things he knows you will stress out and worry about, which should be a sign to him that he is behaving inaapropriately. But insread of taking a step back, his best solution is to hide things from you. There’s something really wrong here, and I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.
Post # 53
Obviously this man is cheating on you. I don’t think asking him to stop talking to her is going to solve the problem since marrying you didn’t make him stop having sex with her.
Post # 54
@Westwood: +1 good point… why didn’t he invite her to his wedding if she is such a ‘best friend’???
If you think something is wrong, it probably is. Trust your instincts
Post # 55
@mypinkshoes: +1 to every single word.
An ultimatum is going to ultimately make him either resent you or learn to hide their conversations even more. He needs to decide that he wants to either end their friendship or cut it down dramatically.
Post # 56
I agree with a PP, I would hate to be “that wife” but I would have a Come to Jesus talk with him: Me or her. If it’s me, you cut off contact. No texting, no emailing, no messages, no phone calls–nothing. He needs to want to do so, though. Backing him into a corner is only going to make him choose the answer that will make you happy now and immediately get him out of trouble. He needs to want to stop this and be willing to leave her behind. Because I’m sorry, none of this is remotely okay. If he’s sending her gifts, debating getting a home with her, telling her things he is not telling you, this is not a friendship. This is an emotional affair and if you want your marriage to succeed you need to nip this in the bud immediately. The fact that it has gone on so long is baffling to me. My Fiance would have been looooong gone by now. I don’t tolerate anything like this. If he feels the need to hide it from you, he recognizes and feels he is doing something wrong, which is when you need to get proactive if you want to stay married to him. He hasn’t even told her you’re married? She wasn’t invited to the wedding? That isn’t normal. Fight or no fight, if she was truly this little sister to him, there would have been an invite. The fact that there wasn’t just says that he feels as if his relationship with her is something he needs to keep burried. You need to set up what is okay and what is not.
You say you don’t want to divorce, but if you aren’t firm enough, if you allow him to continue on with this relationship, will you be truly happy? Is this the fulfilling marriage you envisioned for yourself? Your husband carrying on an emotional affair with a woman you haven’t met in the SEVEN years you’ve been together? That, to me, is not okay.
You want to try counseling and asking him to choose you over her. If this is going to work, he needs to be willing to have full transparency, meaning you have the password to his social media accounts, you can check his phone, etc until you can trust him again.
If you want to make this work you need to stand up for yourself. Take responsibility for your role in this, your complicite actions that have allowed this relationship to turn into something possibly more than just “friends.” You need to take a stand for your marriage.
Post # 57
I have two best friends, one female the other male. My male Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been friends for over 20 years. We are very close and both his friends and mine have wondered over the years if we were “more than friends.” It’s hard for some people to believe that men and women can just be friends, but I am living proof that they can be. We are friends, nothing more and we love each other dearly but there are NO romantic ties between us. He has been in a relationship for the last 8 years, they have two kids and she has only fully accepted me as “a friend,” in the last four years or so. She was quite jealous of me and our friendship during the early stages of their relationship.
We have purchased each other items that we thought the other might like and will stop by each other’s home if we are in each other’s neighborhood. The same I would do with my other BFF. Many years ago we were going to purchase a home as well, not to live in but as an investment property we would have rented out. Not unusual because his career is fixing up homes.
Anyway, with that being said. what makes me question your husband is not so much his actions because I don’t see some of them as unusual; but his level of dishonesty and lack of transparency. My male best friend knows about my relationship and my friend’s wife knows about me. There are no secrets regarding our friendship and that is why both of our partners are OK with our friendship, because we have not given them a reason to be uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, they had some doubts in the beginning, but we are past that now.
Unlike some of the previous posters, I do not think this woman is his “girlfriend,” or even that they are “having sex.” I DO think there may be some inappropriate feelings between them and either something may have happened before or there is a great deal of sexual tension between them; either way something is not right about this “friendship.” I wonder if she has feelings for him and he is aware of this? That would explain why he has not told her about your marriage which IMO is completely unacceptable.
I strongly would advise you NOT to give him an ultimatum. That will not solve anything and will only make him resent you. I would be HIGHLY offended if my SO gave me an ultimatum regarding my male friend and that would cause more problems than it would solve.
I hope your talk is productive and leads to a resolution.
Post # 58
Wow. What your husband did was inappropriate. You need to set boundaries with him.
Post # 59
@MrsBuesleBee: Yep. He’s totally keeping OP and “friend” a secret from one another. This is too weird for me.
I don’t know what his deal is, but if he’s not telling her about you, there is something very wrong. Not to be THAT fiance, but if my Fiance shared his banking info with a woman I’d never met and wanted to buy a home with her, etc, I’m quite certain that I would raise hell several times over and over again. God would literally need to come back and re-create the Earth is how mad I would be. I’m in no shape, way, or form insecure nor am I jealous and I am all for having male/female friends, but there definitely needs a line to be drawn somewhere because your husband literally has no clue where that line needs to be. He really needs to be very honest. I don’t think he’s cheating on you, perhaps, but I feel like there is something inappropriate here. I think he knows what he’s doing is inappropriate even if it isn’t sexual, which would explain his lack of informing you about this. Something is just not quite right. He needs to introduce you to that part of his life. I know LDR are complicated (I was in one for some time) and two parts of your life become one and it’s weird. If his friendship with her is totally platonic, he shouldn’t feel like he needs to hide it. And even though you’ve been with him for 7 years, there is obviously so much you didn’t always know. He needs to start being completely honest with you. I strongly recommend therapy together. Pretty sure a therapist will tell him what is right by a relationship. Good luck OP