- 4 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
I have a huge problem and I am not in the right emotional state to resolve it appropriately. I could really use some advice.
A little background: I have known my boyfriend for 8 years. We had a summer romance back in college and then went our separate ways that same fall. About two years went by, and he had found me on Facebook and we began hanging out as friends this time. One thing led to another, and here we are 5 years later! We have been living together for 4 years now. I have always dreamed of getting married and starting a family. As for him, he claims to enjoy life the way it is right now.
I am 27 and he is 28. Our professional lives are not anything close to ideal, I am a manager at a fast food place and he is working security investigations at a casino. My plan is to return to college to obtain my nursing degree, but enough on that. (I only bring this up because most people assume its a money thing, or wanting to be “in a good place before taking that big step”)
I have always got along well with his parents. They seem to really enjoy me, and his mom and I go for the occasional shopping trip or pedicure. We had a happy little family going for awhile. I take pride in the fact that my bf and I truly are best friends. We have a million inside jokes, we play fight like brother and sister, we support each other in good times and bad, we have a real solid bond that most people would envy. I do all the things I was taught a good wife would do: I earn my own money, I keep a clean home and cook for my man every night. I even do little extras: give him manicures and pedicures, massages, buy him gifts just to say “thank you” for taking care of our little family (we have 3 cats together) and just working hard to provide for us. I take interests in his hobbies and interests even though theyre vastly different from my own, and lastly (maybe a little too tmi) but sexually, I have always been willing to do and try anything.
Here is what has me so unbelievably and uncontrollably upset: HIS BROTHER IS GETTING MARRIED!
Now, if that sounds a little silly and immature to you, let me assure you I am well aware. But it’s how I feel and I cannot help it.
I have been around this family for 8 years, I have been a loyal, loving and supportive girlfriend for 5 of those years, and I am still ringless. I havent even received a promise to be married down the road, or so much as an idea of what he’s thinking as far as marriage. He says the classic lines like ” I am serious about us” “A ring is just material” “A wedding doesnt change anything. The relationship is the same” and a bunch of other crap.
He often talks about plans for the future that include us being together, but never as husband and wife, or having children. Im afraid because he should be at an age where he’s realizing that this next step is an important one- at least to me. His most recent line was “What do you think Im gonna do? Just go out and find someone else? Start all over?” How does he suppose that makes me feel any better? It doesn’t.
It has been something that has often upset me in small waves over the years, but I managed to get over it quite quickly. But we live in a world where social media dominates and everyone is so quick to share- even OVERSHARE every detail of their lives. I am forced to see who is pregnant, who just got engaged, someone elses wedding pictures, etc. I am happy for them all, I am, but its hard not to feel left out and jealous and like my relationship is not taking the natural course like everybody elses.
A few weeks ago, the cherry was dropped on top of my jealousy cake when I was invited to his cousisns bridal shower. EVERY woman aged 19-37 was either engaged, married, currently pregnant, or had a child in tow. So many of them were hugging and congratulating each other on their very exciting news. Which was fine, but I stood out like an awful sore thumb. Ringless, husbandless, baby bumpless and childless. It was really humiliating and I secretly snuck into the bathroom to cry. I got over it within a few days. I figured I was a little emotional due to my period.
Fast forward to this Tuesday, his younger brother asked if he could stop by with his girlfriend. He has been with this girl about 1.5 years and I have only met her about 4 times. She is a sweet girl, and I like her. Upon serving up some beverages she flashes me her shiny new engagement ring. Turns out they wanted to know if we were able to check in on their dog while they flew down to the resort where they are meeting with their wedding planner.
This is all I think about. Every time I see my boyfriend I feel the rage, the hurt, the jealousy, the humiliation. Hearing his mom and dad rave about their new daughter in law, and wanting to throw her a shower and bragging to all their family and friends, I feel like I have been punched in the heart.
It’s not about the attention. It’s the fact that his brother knew he had someone he was serious about in such a short time. My boyfriend has no excuse. He has had 5 years to decide, 5 years to save, what is the problem? I don’t understand. I am forced once again to be in attendance at someone elses special day, never having experienced my own. It would be nice to join the wife or mommy club.
What am I going to do? Anytime I bring up the thought of us getting engaged, he gets angry and refuses to discuss it. Im not willing to sit back and never have my dream of being a wife and mom come true. But I cant just leave. I’d either end up starting all over again in a new relationship, or rushing into a life with a perfect stranger.
I want to be happy for them, but I am too sad for me right now. I don’t want to be immature or selfish or silly, but I cannot help how angry I feel inside everytime I think about them sitting in my living room flashing that ring in my face. My boyfriend just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see how us women find things like this to be important and hurtful.