(Closed) Jealous of boyfriends brother and new girlfriend getting married

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Bee, I don’t necessarily think this means your bf isn’t serious about you. He just doesn’t value marriage, at least not in the same way you do. And that’s not a bad thing in and of itself. It’s a valid way for him to think and feel. The problem is, it’s incompatible with your priorities, values, desires. You have a difficult choice to make. I also identify with how you feel about people getting married all around you. It’s how I felt when I was with my ex and he dragged his feet for years.

Often when guys (or people, I should say) reject or avoid the idea of marriage, yes, it’s some kind of commitment issue. But some people just don’t find marriage necessary or important, even while they DO make serious and lasting commitments. I work with a man who is a great guy by all accounts. He’s lived with his SO for something like 15 years. Marriage just isn’t their thing. Personally, I couldn’t do that.

If your bf basically refuses to even talk about marriage, you have the answer you need. It’s not going to happen. The question now is, can you live with that? Is it worth staying with him without the legal and social status of being married? Or will you resent him for it?

Post # 3
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

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lololovely :  You say that he hasn’t decided in the last 5 years, but for me it appears as if HAS decides and his decision is: “I do not want to get married” (to you or anyone). Not all people get the “I want to marry” bug and more and more individuals are chosing for a married-less lifestyle. There is nothing wrong with him for not being interested in marriage (and age has nothing to do with it).

The thing is, while marriage isn’t somethinh he wants it is clearly something you want. He has shared his plans of being with you forever as partners, and I do not think he should be forced to marry if that isn’t what he wants.

You honestly need to have some soul searching acknowledging the FACT that he doesn’t want to get married. Ask yourself: why is marriage important for you? Can you picture a life together without marriage? Is it a deal breaker? 

You should also discuss with him what he sees in terms of kids. Does he picture a family in his future or just the two of you? 

Also, you need to really stop making generalizations. Not all women want to get married (or think it is so important), and not all guys want to get married (or feel the need to).

Post # 4
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You have to talk to him and not back down. If you seriously have to be married and have children you will have to tell him that. Maybe he isn’t the right guy for you because you might have two different plans for the future. Why are you playing the good wife and doing everything for him, he also has a responsibility in cooking and cleaning. Does he buy you gifts to say thank you like you do for him. I hate to say this but maybe he got too comfortable and sees you doing wifely duties so doesn’t see why he should marry you. 

Post # 5
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

Sorry Bee!

Sounds like your man doesn’t want to get married. You have given him many good years of your life. 

Now it’s up to you to decide if this is the life you want. If not marrying is a deal breaker, then come to terms with it, sit him down, and have a serious talk. 

If not, I assure you, there will be many more marriages, babies, etc for you to be jealous of. 

Post # 6
Member
44 posts
Newbee

View original reply
newlywednewbie :  Yes. This is all correct and I second everything she has said about this fact. It does appear as though he is uninterested in marriage in and of itself. Some men who aren’t there yet (but want to be, eventually) will speak about marriage or kids in the future tense, but may not be interested right now. If he isn’t speaking that way, he might never. Don’t waste your time if marriage and children are what you prize the most. You said you can’t just leave, but you can. It sucks to start a new relationship, but how great would it be to start one that ends in everything you want?

Post # 7
Member
2793 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I think you have to have a straight up conversation with him. ‘Marriage and children are very important to me. I can’t see myself going through life without them. I understand that you may not feel the same way, however I would like to know your feelings for sure so I can evaluate where I go from here.’ Seems like you’ve danced around the subject long enough. If he won’t give you a straight answer, that’s really an answer too. Also, stop playing wife. Quit doing his laundry, make him help with cooking and cleaning, stop buying presents. 

Post # 8
Member
587 posts
Busy bee

Oh, bee.. This breaks my heart.

You sound like such a lovely girl and that man is serious about you, but he is not serious about marriage. It’s not personal. He just got so used to you two living together, he doesn’t seem how marriage would change anything. He doesn’t value it. I find such people are blind and lazy and indifferent and imature. 

Like everyone else here said, you have to straight up demand what you want in your life from him. Are you willing to give up the most important life goals to stay with him? Maybe he wants to marry you eventually, which could be in 10 years, when he finally grows up. He sounds a bit unappreciative from what you’ve said. I sure hope he’s actually helping around the house and helping your family. 

Good luck, bee!

Post # 9
Member
2345 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Maybe he thinks he deserves better, after all you do treat him like a God who must be worshipped for letting you be in a relationship with him: domestically and sexually serviced according to his whims and preferences despite the fact that you HAVE A JOB. 

Your list of ways you take care of him reads like an acerbic spoof of those 1950’s articles of advice for housewives. I’m sorry that people who should care about you, actually taught you that is a good foundation for a relationship. 

It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend has led you on, he’s been very upfront about his own vision of a relationship and his preferences for the future. Not everyone has marriage as a goal. 

I can understand, given your world view, why you feel humiliated by his brother’s proposal; I mean has she even given him pedicures, sucked him off on demand and let him fuck her up the ass as well as doing all the housework? 

Sorry to be so blunt but I’m really shocked by your post. For your sake I hope you end this relationship and take some time to reflect on your priorities, your needs, desires and preferences, and the relationship model you seem to have inherited. Before embarking on a new relationship.  

Post # 10
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
Drizzle :  Damn girl…nailed it!

 

 

Post # 11
Member
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

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Drizzle :  I agree completely!

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lololovely :  OP, I don’t think this man is for you. You sound like you’re bending over backwards in order to please this man and to sell your worth. You need to have as much respect for yourself as you do him. More so, actually. It doesn’t sound like he wants to marry you, and I’m concerned that he doesn’t even want to consider your desires and the fact that you do.

Put yourself first. You’re so young. Tell this man to get gone. You need to see your own worth, you can’t expect someone else to respect you if you won’t respect yourself. Go and get your nursing degree. Do things for yourself, not for anyone else. 

Post # 12
Member
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I really think it’s time for you to move on from this relationship. You should never have to drag someone down the aisle…you should be with someone who WANTS to marry you. This guy has made it clear that he doesn’t want to get married. And you are miserable…crying in the bathroom at a friend’s shower, falling apart at the idea of his brother getting married, etc. This is not a way to live your life.

You’re still young and have plenty of time to find someone else. I can relate to where you are in life actually. I broke up with my long term ex when I was 28/29ish (it took awhile to stick, sigh) and honestly part of what took me so long was the worry that I was already too old and would never find someone else. VERY DUMB. The reality is, its’ better to be single than in a relationship that brings you so much anxiety and frustration. The other reality is, you WILL find another guy, someone who will be excited and proactive about proposing to you.

Post # 13
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I absolutely could have written this post a year and a half ago. We had been dating for 11 years, have a house, and a dog… basically a full marriage with no ring or paper. I also started feeling envious with every facebook announcement or wedding we attended and felt like I stuck out at events. His sister even got engaged to someone she was dating for a year and a half. When that happened, it was the final straw for me. We sat down for a serious talk where I explained how important marriage and family was to me and even if the paper wasn’t important to him, it was to me. I told him I wanted nothing more than to spend my life with him and be his wife. I told him we didn’t have to have a big wedding, we could go to a courthouse or elope- all I cared about was being married to him, it didn’t matter how. I said I can’t keep going on wonder if this is ever going to happen- I don’t know if you intend to wait another year or 5 years and then turn around and say “no, never going to happen.” So I told him it’s now or never. 

His answer: I love you. I always want to be with you. I guess we’re going ring shopping. 

I don’t think he ever seriously realized how deeply I needed it. I know it sounds like an ultimatum but sometimes you have to stand up for what you need to be mentally stable and in what you feel is a healthy relationship. I was also so hurt and confused that I was willing to walk away, heartbroken, if he honestly still didn’t know what he wanted out of the future. Feeling on unsolid ground and having uncertanty isn’t healthy long term. 

I can say, we picked out a ring together within 2 weeks. He still proposed old fashioned style about 3 weeks later and we’ve been married for 3 months now. He never looked back and will tell you planning a wedding and getting married was one of the best things that happened to us. Our relationship has never been better because now we’re BOTH confident in where we stand with everything. It was even him that brought up already wanting to try for a baby. 

It doesn’t always work out the way we want it, but personally, standing up for myself and sharing what my needs, hopes and dreams were for the relationship worked out better than I could have ever hoped. 

Post # 14
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
lololovely :  I think he is serious about you and has chosen you, but you need to think long and hard about what you NEED. Once you have your answers, you and he need to have a serious discussion to determine whether this is a deal breaker situation or not.

Two things you need to decide:

1. Do you require a legal marriage to be happy.

2. Do you want kids.

At the moment, all you have to go on with the second one is that he doesn’t currently talk about having kids. So you need to find out what his actual stance is on them. If you want kids and he doesn’t — that’s a deal breaker. But maybe he does want kids…you’ll only know once you ask.

For the first one, you need to think about whether you need to be married and whether there needs to be a wedding. Are you OK with him verbally committing to you (as it sounds like he has)? Do you need the legal document proving your relationship commitment? Do you need the party to celebrate? There is no right or wrong answer to these questions. You can have a committment celebration without the marriage, you can have the marriage without the party, you can have the equally committed relationship without the legal document. But YOU need to decide what you need to be happy in a relationship and then talk to him and make those feelings known. If he agrees to your needs, you move forward. If he can’t agree to your needs, you need to move on.

The first and second are relatively mutually exclusive, meaning that you can decide that no wedding is a deal breaker but you’re OK without kids (or vice versa). It’s not like you need marriage to have kids and you don’t need kids to make a marriage.

Make sure that you know your own thoughts and mind and have come to a clear personal decision before discussing with him. Also, don’t pressure him into an immediate response. Lay out your thoughts and where you stand and then give him time to think about and process the information you’ve given him and come to his own decision. Give him time (like days/weeks NOT moments) to reflect and decide…but set a deadline so that he does have to come to a decision.

 

Good luck Bee.

Post # 15
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
lololovely :  you have several old posts talking about quite specific plans for a winter 2015 wedding – so it appears you and your boyfriend previously did discuss marriage and were engaged (or at least planning a wedding down to venue, ceremony time, etc.), so what happened between then and now? 

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