(Closed) Jealous of boyfriends brother and new girlfriend getting married

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
3869 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You say he hasn’t mentioned getting married or having children, and he had told you that he is fine with things as they are. It doesn’t actually seen like he’s giving you mixed signals. His words and actions match up, he’s not interested in marriage.

But I’d still sit him down and talk to him. He may not be interested in marriage and children on his own, but he may be willing to get married and have kids if that’s what will make you happy. It sounds like you guys have a great relationship, so have the hard conversation, but be prepared for him to say he doesn’t want those things, and be willing to walk away and find a better match if that’s the case.

Post # 17
Member
7821 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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Drizzle :  <–This!

OP: What does he do for you? Does he treat you as royally as you treat him?

I’m sorry, your SO seems to have clearly communicated that he isn’t interested in marriage and is content with the status quo. Have you told him that marriage is a deal breaker for you? Do you want children? Does he? After five years together you should be able to discuss these things. 

You will have to decide if you would rather remain with him unmarried or move on to give yourself opportunities to meet someone who wants the same things you do. If you choose to stay with him knowing marriage isn’t on the table that is YOUR choice and you need to own it. Hugs. 

Post # 18
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Oh boy I feel for  you!!  I really really do!

 

I am newly engeged – and am 33!  I have been to MANY of those parties thinking everyone is looking at me…  Those feelings ended as I matured.

 

I was with a guy for 8 years – we were best friends; good together but ended up falling out of love.  I met my current bf – now fiance and we had been together for almost 2.5 years before he popped the question.  It felt like a long wait – even though we were talking about it actions speak louder than words.

I know how you feel ‘not worthy’ or ‘why cant i get a husband’ but i promise you when the time is right it will happen and it will be magical.  I waited 8 years for a ring – but am SO GLAD that I didnt marry him (as nice as he was)…  What came next truly completed me!!

 

I also think woman get a bit more… whats the word… anscey – we are go go go – we feel a clock ticking – we hear all the girl talk etc etc – boys dont!  My finace came home the day after we got engaged from work and said WOW I cant believe all the messages and chatter…  I knew it would be coming – but he didnt – its not how they opperate.

Be patient – live in the moment – one day when your calm sit down and have a calm conversation about it.  Explain why its important to you – ask him why its not important to him. 

Post # 19
Member
9109 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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lololovely :  “Im not willing to sit back and never have my dream of being a wife and mom come true. But I cant just leave.” — I don’t see what the other option is. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to get married. Either not now, or not to you, or maybe not ever to anyone. I can’t say which. But at any rate, he’s not getting married any time soon. So what are your options then, other than sitting around waiting for him to change his mind (which he might never do) or leave and find someone who’s open to marriage?

Also, he’s being dishonest. If he really believed this BS: ““A ring is just material”  “A wedding doesnt change anything. The relationship is the same”” then there would be no reason for him NOT to do it. If a wedding is important to you, and it’s not going to change anything anyway, then why not just do it? The only reason not to, is because he knows it IS a change, and he doesn’t want that change. He’s not willing to make that change and he can’t even be honest about it.

Post # 20
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee

 

Oh girl.I am sorry but I didn’t have the read the whole post to understand. You said it right away…he’s said that he’s happy with how things are now. He couldn’t be any more clear to you.

I know you’re feeling massive jealously toward the younger bf and his fiance….but you really to put that on the back burner. Because your issue with your bf and you are NOT on the same page. Yes, you have lovely home together with furbabies and you act like the perfect life partner but he’s obviously not in it 100%. Maybe you’ve made it too easy for him…he’s got the life right now, why would he want to change?

But he also says rings are just material, wedding doesn’t change anything….so he’s either A. Not into marriage (which is important to you) or B. Just not into you for marriage.

Sorry…you’re in a tough spot. But don’t misdirect your feelings towards the new gf.

Post # 21
Member
3562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you want a marriage, and he doesn’t…and you want kids, and he doesn’t…you’ll never feel fullfilled by this relationship. 

You need to both sit down and have a calm adult conversation.  Don’t get into the details about who has a ring and whatnot.  Just tell him that marriage and kids are important to you.  Tell him what you see/hope for your future together.  Ask him what his future goals are for your relationship.  Does he just want to keep everything how it is now, forever?  Does he even want kids? If those things don’t jive with your goals, then you both need to move on. 

Post # 22
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You have a decision to make. Tell him how you feel and how important marriage is to you. If it is something you need and he doesn’t want to get married then there isn’t much you can do. Either start over or stay with him without marriage. 

Post # 23
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

If he’s never even stated that he does want to marry you in the future, I’d have a serious talk with him about this. If he still isn’t giving you assurance of marriage, then I’d seriously reconsider being with him. Hard to have a good future together if you don’t want the same things.

Post # 24
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee

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carolinabelle :  yeah, what the hell? what’s the deal there, OP? 

Post # 25
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

How did you let it get this far without establishing what you both NEED out of life and when you would like to accomplish those things?  PLEASE figure out what you NEED out of your life because this man has made it clear that you’re not going to get marriage from him.  From where I stand, seems like you just need stiffen your spine and toughen your resolve to walk away.  Unless of course you decide marriage is not what you need after all.

Oh and I can never let the “wedding doesn’t change the relationship” thing go without saying something. I made a post in another thread about the “wedding doesn’t change a relationship” BULLSHIT. This faux-argument makes me so angry.  That piece of paper changes a lot of things that even having kids will not accomplish.  DON’T FALL FOR THAT LINE it’s just not true. (I’m a lawyer but I’m not your lawyer and this isn’t legal advice etc etc standard disclaimer)

Varies by state but here is a primer:

http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html

You can stay or not. But don’t stay because you buy into your boyfriend’s BULLSHIT about a wedding not changing anything.  The decision is yours but make an informed decision.  That piece of paper comes with HUNDREDS of legal rights (and duties) automatically granted to you and your legal spouse, some of which have NO CONTRACTUAL SUBSTITUTE. 

 

Post # 26
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

So after PP pointed out your previous posts, I went and snooped. Now I don’t normally hold people’s older posts against them or anything but I am curious about some of the things you said then vs now. 

You said you were already in nursing school and very busy working at the same time 2 years ago. So are you going into nursing school or are you half way through/ almost done?

 

You said your Fiance was 28 two years ago. Soooo?

You said you don’t get along with the brothers girlfriend (who has a kid with that brother by the way) but I suppose two years and 3 more visits could’ve changed that?

You made a post asking people who was paying for their weddings and then proceeded to tell them how blessed and fortunate they were and how you could never afford such a lavish wedding and how did they get such a large budget blah blah blah 👀👀👀 Jealousy seems to be a THING for you, just saying.

 

You said your sister wanted to be your Maid/Matron of Honor but you weren’t sure about her because she has 4 kids and doesn’t work and she would need to dedicate her life to working on your wedding, so her kids couldn’t be around while she was doing something lest they mess something up! 😳 Dear god woman! Oh and you also pointed out to PPs that since she doesn’t work she SHOULD have time to donate to your wedding. So here’s some major side eye from a fellow stay at home mom who barely has time for her OWN shit.

 

You said your Fiance was happy about getting married, so what could have happened between then and now to drastically change his mind? 

What’s the deal Op? 

Post # 27
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
Drizzle :  perfect. Also marriage isn’t the end all be all, there’s still a relationship after that. Be happy for engaged couples, feel a little jealous sure, but for your own health, get over it or discuss your future with him.

Post # 28
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee

Given your previous posts, maybe he realizes how jealous you are, and how self-absorbed you are, and doesn’t want to hitch his wagon to that for the rest of his life?

Post # 29
Member
9109 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
amb1030 :  Well I’ll be damned….. Very interesting.

Post # 30
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This entire post is talking about the things you do for him to be the “perfect girlfriend”.  There is no talk about mutual respect, making decisions together, talking through hopes and dreams and fears.  You mention how he gets angry when you talk about getting engaged…so sit him down for a SERIOUS discussion.  He needs to know that this is your deal breaker and that you want that commitment of marriage with him.

The other part of this…your raving jealousy.  Everyone is on their own timeline.  I got married to my husband after a year of dating because we were both ready to take that step.  It doesn’t mean everyone is in that same boat.  You are putting marriage and babies on this glorious pedestal and wishing you were in the “club”…well girl let me tell you, it isn’t a “goal” to be reached.  It doesn’t make one woman in a better spot than you.  It doesn’t make someone “better” than you.  Like I said above everyone has their OWN pace.  I’m sorry you felt like an outsider but you putting your jealousy toward all these other women won’t solve the real issue here.

Sit him down.  Be frank and open up to him.  Tell him how you truly feel about this.  I will warn you though: if he isn’t ready for marriage you need to be ready to walk.

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