(Closed) Jealous of boyfriends brother and new girlfriend getting married

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
4187 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

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amb1030 :  Well that doesn’t look good! Why do people post their fictional tales on here when you can clearly go back to their posting history? Sigh. 

Post # 32
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Please move out and find your own place. You dont have to terminate the relationship but let him feel the absence of his “wife” aka girlfriend. Take some time to think. I’m sure he will do the same and hopefully he will find his brain and start using it again.

Wishing you the best!!

Post # 33
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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lololovely :  Girl I completely get where you’re coming from. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I was driven MAD by jealously when my best friend got engaged after meeting someone off Tinder within the course of FOUR MONTHS. They’re so not right for each other, and I hate the guy with a firey burning passion (no longer from jealousy, but for other reasons). 

Needless to say, I’m going to be the Maid/Matron of Honor at their wedding, to show love and support to my best friend of 9 years. 

My Advice:
Jealously will subside. It sucks being ringless. It makes every ring stand out more, but honestly, Bee, you’ll leard to love their engagement, especially since you like the girl, and all will be well within the world. (:

Post # 34
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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lololovely :  I haven’t read all the responses so I apologize in advance if anything I say is redundant to what’s been said by you or by PPs…

but, in simplest terms based on your original post: you are clear that marriage is important to you, he is clear that marriage is not something he’s particularly interested in, and you’re jealous of his brother’s engagement, right?

If marriage is a make or break thing for you, you need to move on. He’s been clear that it’s not important for him in a relationship. That doesn’t mean he’s any less serious about you, just that he doesn’t want to marry (or at least right now). If you do, then clearly you guys are on 2 different wavelengths. Neither of you is wrong, but you are doing yourself and him a disservice by building resentment over something that he’s been clear about.

Second, and I’m sure you know this, it’s not your bf’s brother’s fault, or the fiancee’s, that they are engaged and you’re not. Do not take that out on them. Be happy for them. 

Also, re: the shower where everyone was engaged or married. Okay? So? Do not base your relationship (ever, even if this one ends and you go to a new one) on what the people around you are doing. Your ring finger doesn’t have an expiration date, and you shouldn’t measure yourself with someone else’s ruler.

Post # 35
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

It’s been a while since I was on this site but here’s my two cents worth, and you can take it or leave it. 

 

I was with someone for 5 1/2 years and we lived together for just over 2 1/2 of those years. I really thought we were happy together and that when the time was right he would propose and we would take the next logical step. 

 

He on the other hand was really just happy being together. We talked about marriage, and at first he was on the same page but as we talked more and more it became obvious it wasn’t what he wanted. We were fighting all the time about it and he told me, eventually, he only said it was what he wanted because he felt pressured into saying that and thought he would have a long time until I actually wanted to get married. 

 

There were other problems in our relationship, and that’s why we aren’t together any more but my ex was sending mixed messages while your partner is being very honest: he just doesn’t want to get married. It doesn’t mean he will love you any less or be less committed in his mind, but it seems like in your mind that’s exactly what it means. 

 

Further, the life you describe together is a marriage in a way. So do you want to be married, or do you want the wedding? It isn’t an easy question but it is something you should think about. And if you can’t be with someone without being married than you might need to make a hard choice in the next little while. If this is something you can’t live without you need to be honest with him and yourself. It’s not fair to either of you when you clearly want a different outcome of such a monumental life event. 

 

Best of luck to you! 

Post # 36
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Just did some snooping… OP why were you planning a wedding 2 years ago? This all just seems really weird now.

Edit: Just realized other commenters mentioned the same thing but you haven’t returned to this post. Waiting for an explanation.

Post # 37
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017 - Florida

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Drizzle :  drop the mic

 

but honestly OP, I’m very sorry to hear about your situation but you immediately need to stop playing house and doing all the things a good wife does, because you are not his wife! Then you need to have a conversation about what your future looks like, tell him he needs to talk to you. You say you don’t want to give up and start all over with someon new, but are you willing to spend the next 50 years with this man not married and with no kids? You could meet the man of your dreams 6 months  from now…,, 

Post # 38
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

And next on “things that never happened…”

Is this the made up story, or was it the stories from two years ago?  No sympathy here.  

Post # 40
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

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Drizzle :  +1. You pretty much summed up the point for OP: expectations are future resentments.

OP, rather than having a conversation about the future and ensuring your goals aligned, you simply ‘expected’ that if you acted like a housewife out of Pleasantvile, he would treat you accordingly and put a ring on it. Now you resent him for not proposing, though it appears it was never even discussed, and you resent anyone else who has what you want and appears to have done nothing to get there. Chances are though, they did the only thing required, which was have that conversation and have the same goals. Sorry, OP, I don’t think this is your happy ending. I hope you find someone with the same goals, bc they will no doubt appreciate the lengths you go to in order to keep your man happy. 

Post # 41
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

Your needs are as important as his. You need to let him know that if marriage isn’t a priority for him, then he must understand if you need to let this relationship go, and find someone who shares your life’s vision. Starting over at your age is fine. I met my husband at age 32. Don’t rush into just finding someone – that never ends well. Truly take your time. It’s not a race.

And you know what? If you impress upon him how important marriage is to you, he may surprise you. It sounds like he’s used to you putting your own needs on the back burner. Stop doing that, and see if your relationship becomes more rewarding. If it doesn’t, I say cut and run. 

Post # 42
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 

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lololovely :  Thanks for coming back. Can you help us understand what changed between your prior posts and now?

Post # 43
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I actually think the biggest red flag here is that when you bring up getting engaged and married, he gets angry and won’t discuss it- don’t you have your answer right there??

Post # 44
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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lololovely :  you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Honesty. Tell him all you just wrote and then get his answer but sorry bee it may not be what you want to hear but you NEED to hear either way so you can make an informed decision as to wether you can stay or want to go. 

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