Post # 1
I’m trying to figure out how to stop being so jealous about my friends getting engaged/married… They have literally been with their fiancees/husbands for less time than my boyfriend has had the ring (since January)! I was okay with waiting, but watching them go through the motions of being engaged and planning their weddings is turning me into a green monster…
At this point I just wish he hadn’t involved me in the ring process at all but he said he was nervous and wanted me to choose, I wasn’t there when he picked it up, but I accidentally found it like the week after so it’s been almost 8 months of stress 🙁
Anyone have any advice about how to be less jealous and/or wait more patiently? I really want to be happy for my friends but I can’t seem to be…
Post # 3
I don’t really have any advice, but I’m in a similar boat. Not so much the ring thing (seriously, that is INSANE!) but more the ‘how the heck to I cope with all of this and be happy situation’.
I’m a jealous person. It is a personality flaw that I am definitely not proud of. I am trying to work my way to a better place, but it is rough sometimes. Mainly I find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone and people understand what we’re going through.
I guess I could say for waiting patiently, perhaps try Mr.Bee’s plan?!
It sounds like you are in a pretty good situation in that he has the ring… now if he would only get on the knee? (my attempt at humor, but it’s difficult when you cant see my face/hear the lighthearted tone I intended to use)
Post # 4
do you have any milestones or important days coming up? maybe he has some sort of extravagant plan, and he’s waiting for the perfect day.
not that that helps you. I know what you are going through seeing others get engaged before you. our friends have been dating for considerably less time than us, and they aren’t engaged yet, but he has told my SO that he’s going to pop the question. plus a bunch of other people i know. everybody’s getting friggen hitched but us! lol.
if you figure out some sort of coping method that works well, by all means, share! so far all i can do is take zen breaths and try not to let the big green monster out in front of anyone. i like to take a long shower and rant to my cats (they are very understanding, lol).
Post # 5
@BadaBingBling: Yeah 8 months! Making me CRAZY! I’ve tried a kind of Mr. Bee’s plan, namely I’ve had to travel a lot for work and he’s definitely been a lot more sweet when I’m home (making dinner, insisting on driving me to the airport even though it’s way out of his way…) but no ring! haha
Well according to my aunt (who apparently can’t keep a secret haha), he asked my parents for permission in April and mentioned a specific date, but that’s all she knew… My birthday is coming up soon, and his soon after, so maybe one of those?
The worst part I forgot to mention earlier was that I’ve been traveling for work, and when I went back to the office a few coworkers asked me if I’d gotten engaged! Apparently they’d never notice sapphire and diamond ring before (that my boyfriend gave me and I’ve been wearing for over four years!)… Kind of awkward to explain that one without making them feel bad for asking…
Post # 6
@doglover123: if i were you, i’d badger badger badger those parents for SOME kind of information… “is it in the next year?”… “is it in the next 6 months?”… etc. not that they would tell you anything, lol.
Post # 7
If there’s something you want really badly, and you have to watch it happen for everyone else while it never happens for you, it’s almost impossible not to be jealous. The longer you wait, and the more it happens for others and not for you, the harder it gets.
I can cope if it’s just one or two people who are lucky enough to get something that I want. But when it seems to be happening for everyone else except me, then it’s no longer just a couple of people striking lucky, it becomes an actual life phase which everyone else is progressing to and I’m missing out on. I start thinking when will it be my turn… and after a while I lose hope and start thinking will it ever be my turn? That’s when I get upset.
I’m sorry I can’t give more helpful advice. It’s hard to watch everyone else getting something that you feel you deserve just as much as them but will never get. I don’t think you can turn those feelings off – you just have to hide them. I smile and try to appear happy for them and then go home and cry in secret 🙁
Post # 8
I know what you mean! It’s natural to be jealous when you first hear the news about someone else getting engaged. Whenever that happens, I have a strategy.
After I’m done faking my “Congratulations!!! That’s great!”, I think to myself that there’s no reason to be jealous. When this same couple is getting divorced a few months/years after the wedding because they got married to quickly, I will be happily married because we waited so long to build a stable relationship.
Do you seriously know people that have gotten engaged after only dating since January???!
Post # 9
If you figure out how not to be jealous, let me know!! lol
I think I am at that age when EVERYONE is getting engaged and it is rough- especially when couples get engaged who have been together a significantly shorter about of time. AHHH!!! I literally found out one of my close friends (who had only been dating her man for a year) got engaged WHILE I was celebrating our anniversary with SO.
What helps me a little, which sounds kinda crazy, is that I have one friend of mine who has waited longer than me. They are about to celebrate their SIX YEAR anniversary and I think about how content and happy she is… and I feel like if she can do it, I can do it. I have a feeling she will get engaged while they are on a vacation celebrating their anniversary, and after that I’m back to square one!
Post # 10
Who says your friend is content and happy? Maybe she’s secretly dying inside whenever someone else gets engaged, just like the rest of us are? I’m sure most people think my SO and I are happy and content… they’d probably be shocked if they knew I’m planning to leave him if he doesn’t propose within a few months of our next anniversary 🙁
Post # 11
@Lillianna: Sorry to hear you’re still struggling. With no concrete plan to move forward, a relationship can become stagnant. And if you’re not happy, its not working.
Post # 12
Honestly, every couple on my facebook who is engaged (except one-only 5 months longer than us) has been together less time. It’s a killer. But, I know that once we do get married, we will stay married. I can’t say the same about other couples I know. Think about how it isn’t a sprint to the alter. It is a marathon for those who last.
Post # 13
If he has the ring and has asked your parents, and you know a proposal is coming sometime in the future, I say relax and enjoy this time! Focus on your relationship and don’t worry about what other people are doing. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but I think this is a very special time in a relationship. Once you get engaged it will be super busy, so take this time to focus on each other.
I knew my husband was going to propose for several months before he did, and while at first I was antsy for it to happen, I really came to enjoy that time. I knew that we were going to get married without a doubt, and as I knew the pre-engagement phase of our relationship was coming to an end, I really appreciated the fact that we were together because of the committment in our hearts and not because we were bound by law or obligation. In fact, a couple times I found myself wishing that the proposal wouldn’t happen so soon because I wanted more time to enjoy our relationship without the flurry of activity and attention that I knew would come once we got engaged!
I still think back to that time right before we got engaged as one of the most happy and carefree times of our relationship. (We love being married now, but we didn’t enjoy being engaged that much because wedding planning was so stressful.) We were in love, confident in our future, and had everything to look forward to.
Plus, imagine how much your boyfriend must be sweating right now, trying to plan the proposal. Have pity on him and go on some fun dates to take both of your minds off of it.
Post # 14
@KJM33: Yep, actually I know people that are MARRIED now and didn’t know the other person existed in January… Pretty ridiculous… Maybe they won’t last, but for some reason that doesn’t help me feel less jealous haha
Yeah, I had a friend who had been happily unengaged for 8 years, but literally the day after I wrote this, she got engaged… I’m starting to think the universe is teasing me… The worst part is that the green monster in me is secretly thinking about how her fiancee wayyyy over paid for the ring (yes I’m a horrible person and looked up how much it cost) rather than being like YAAAAAYYYYI’MSOHAPPYFORYOU!! like I should…
I know I’ve been trying to relax and just forget I even know, but I can’t… I guess the real problem I’m having is that we’ve already decided that we want to have the wedding at a local full service place that makes everything very simple, so when we do get engaged, in theory, it shouldn’t be horribly stressful… On a different note, I hope he’s sweating and planning something fancy, but he’s so mellow I’m guessing he is waiting for some normal event like my birthday…
Post # 15
I’ve been there. I refused to go to three weddings this past year with my SO because the couples that were getting married were together much less time than me and my SO. We have been together six years. I was wondering what those brides had that I didn’t. I was beginning to feel very insecure and jealous about any engagements. My sister who is 3 years younger than me got engaged at Christmas. He did it at a christmas party (I knew about beforehand and couldn’t bring myself to go), I was sooo upset. I told myself (not my SO) that I would leave him once I finished my Masters if he hadn’t proposed. I’m finished and he hasn’t proposed but he has bought the ring, so it’s going to happen very soon! I feel much less jealousy now when I hear about an engagement, but there is still some there. I sound very shallow, but waiting six years is bound to drive most girls insane!
Post # 16
I’ve been there exactly. (Well, one month different when he bought the ring. SO and I went ring shopping (and he bought one that day) at the end of Feb. He asked for my parent’s blessing near the end of May/early June. In the beginning of July, I kind of broke down and started bawling and told SO that I totally get that many guys buy the ring but wait a while to propose, but I feel like it’s different when the girl is in the loop. It’s so much harder when she knows. I was happy to go with him and cherished that memory but the waiting was making me stress out and second guess myself. “Maybe he would have asked me already if xyz.” I didn’t realize how much stress/pressure/frustration I’d feel knowing for a fact he had the ring but knowing he hadn’t proposed yet. (And I know for a fact, he really didn’t have a set plan of when he wanted to either prior to that convo.) The only thing he would tell me is “sometime this year (2012). Shortly after he and I had the convo about how much stress I was starting to feel, he proposed on the 4th of July.
I understand completely what you’re going through. Unfortunately there’s no words I can say that will make it magically better BUT I can promise you that as soon as it does happen, you’ll forget about the months of frustration/stress leading up to it. Seriously, I promise you’ll be happy/on cloud 9/barely care that you were stressed for a while.
Best of luck!