(Closed) jealous of his ex

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you’re having these feelings, during a time when you should be so excited and happy.  It can be stressful enough just to plan, but to have insecurities doesn’t help.

I experienced a little of that too, but maybe for different reasons.  I still seem to insist my husband perefers redheads, just because his first wife was one.

Your fiance has probably grown from his last  realtionship.  He realizes what marriage means, and what qualities are important to find in a partner.  I’m not sure if you meant "ex" as in exwife or exgirlfriend.  But I think for my husband, getting married again, meant thinking carefully about and having more faith in the succes of his second marriage.  (Basically, he wanted be sure not to screw it up twice.)  Iguess based on a little apprehension, I think being proposed to by someone who has gone through that pain, means something special.

I hope that helped.  Best wishes.

Post # 4
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Obviously there is a reason she is his ex, and he is marrying you.  Is the problem just that he was married before, and you can’t get over not being his first?  Or is the problem that just that she’s skinny?  My husband’s first wife is tall, thin, blond, and looked like a model when they got married.  She  is also dumb as a post, self-absorbed and selfish, and slept around on him.  I do have to admit to being secretly glad, deep down inside, that she’s put on a lot of weight since their divorce and that her hair looks like crap now that she has to Miss Clairol at home instead of being able to afford to have it professionally colored.  But even if she was still gorgeous and skinny, I’m smart and funny and generous faithful.  My husband has no doubts about what he would rather have.

It is hard to think about your guy having picked someone else first.  But people do make mistakes.  I was never married before, but I dated a few mistakes, some for quite a while.  These days not very many people come to their marriage having never been with someone else, and I suppose my husband could obsess if he wanted to about my former boyfriend who got rich on Microsoft stock and now owns his own company and jet-sets around the world, but he knows that I don’t love him because he can’t fly me to Paris for Valentine’s Day.

And my advice, even if you have some insecurity about your weight and his ex, would be to try really hard not to talk about it around him.  Of course it hurts him, because you’re just telling him that even though you’re marrying him, you somehow don’t believe that he really loves you.  Plus, honestly, insecurity is just really unattractive, and gets not only frustrating but also boring.  I’m sure you know people who simply can’t stop running themselves down over one thing or another, and it’s not something that’s fun to listen to.  Concentrate on all the things that are good about you – and if you have to concentrate on something you don’t like (your weight, for instance) concentrate on doing something about it – join a court club, take a yoga class.  You’ll feel a lot better.

Post # 5
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

i used to feel the same way. FH’s ex is a personal trainer and she has an amazing body and yada yada yada. but ALWAYS remember this…

HE CHOSE YOU! there are reasons why SHE is not marrying him. there are reasons why he put the ring on YOUR finger and NOT hers! and most importantly, there are reasons why he has chosen to spend the rest of his days with YOU! whatever those reasons are, don’t question them… take them.

and also, if you’re THAT bothered with your insecurities, talk to him. he’ll learn to understand and help you get through them. the second i told FH about all my insecurities, we worked through them, and it’s been better ever since.

best of luck to you! remember, you’re not alone!

Post # 6
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

*hugs*  Sorry you’re feeling like this… I think it happens to everyone at some point!  <span class=”postby”>Just to add to the great advice from Tanya123 and suzanno, what helps me is thinking, "Well, he has a ton of good options.  He’s a catch– smart, funny, and generous.  And he picked ME, so that means I’m better for him than those other options."  There is definitely a lot to be said for the reasons why she’s his ex. Keep your chin up! 

<span class=”postby”>And I agree I wouldn’t mention it too much around him.  Going to the gym or being active generally helps me to be much more clear-headed and less insecure about things that bother me.

Post # 8
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I think getting involved with someone whose significant other died, can be more challenging to wrap your brain around.  (Although I think you’d want to word it as "late girlfriend" instead of "ex".  Ex definitely means break up.)

I don’t think that means he’s not truthful in saying he loves you.  OK, she was a good person.  Maybe they would have been together.  But we can’t go back in time and change things.  He still deserves to love again, right?  What if you were in his situation.  Don’t you think after mourning, you could love again?  That you would want to find someone to love and share a life with?

Good lcuk.  And if it would help to get counseling, go for it.  It might help him too.

Post # 9
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

To be honest, counseling might not be a bad idea for you guys.  I don’t know how long you’ve been together, or how long its been since her death, but obviously its impacting how you feel in your relationship.  I have no doubt that he loves you and wants to be with *you*, but these are big feelings and I don’t think they’ll jsut go away.  I would guess there are counselors who have experience dealing specifically with issues like yours, so it might be a good idea to set up an appointment.  I don’t know you at all, but it sounds a bit like you’re entangling a personal insecurity about weight with a relationship insecurity about his ex.  Both of those are legitimate feelings, but it might help to have a neutral party to help you tell him what you’re feeling and help you both identify how to move forward together without being haunted by past ghosts.  It doesn’t mean he needs to forget her, but it does mean you need to feel like you’re the one he wants to be with first.

Post # 10
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Wow, you’re going through quite a lot. I can only imagine what a difficult situation this is for you. But keep in mind that your Fiance didn’t HAVE to propose, he doesn’t HAVE to marry you and he doesn’t HAVE to love you. But he does. He DID propose. He WANTS to marry you. And he DOES love you.

Just because his ex isn’t there anymore doesn’t mean that you are second best. I think that you came into his life for a reason. You probably gave him a reason to love again, and he probably loves you for who you are and what you bring to his life.  

I agree with fizicsGirl… counseling might be a good idea because a professional might help you find a true understanding of how both you and your Fiance can deal with these feelings. You want to go into this marriage secure and knowing that this is the man that you are going to be with forever. If you constantly have this *thought* lingering in the back of your mind, you can hide it for a while, but it will certainly resurface when times are tough. You deserve to feel secure about your marriage and your love– you REALLY deserve that. You don’t need to feel like you are second best, and a professional might help you get to that place.

Good luck. Let us know what you decide to do. I wish you the best!!!!!!!! 

Post # 11
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Everything happens for a reason… I’m sure she was a great person… but YOU are also.  Maybe counseling or therapy would help you.  He is with you NOW for a reason.  He loves you for who you are.  He is probably in a different stage in life right now than he was before.  And honestly, if he had gone through all that…. than I’m sure his love for YOU is genuine because he knows how short life is and he doesn’t want to waste it on some foolish romance but on the real thing.

Post # 12
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I know this is going to come off as cold, but get over it.  He is marrying you.  You need to have a little more self-confidence.  If he’s not with her anymore, you must have some amazing qualities.  Focus on them, being insecure will only drive him away. 

Post # 13
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I do this sometimes too. There are tons of reasons my man is no longer with his ex. They were not compatible at all – I’ve met her and I can definitely see that they’re both better off with other people. But still, she is really petite and younger than me… and it sometimes bugs me! Not too much though – I know he’s happier with me and thinks I’m hot, so that’s good enough for me.

Post # 14
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

You guys should move. And counseling could be really helpful.

Post # 15
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with the suggestion of counseling…but also think it would be much better for the two of you as a couple if you lived somewhere else.  You shouldn’t be living in the home they shared as a couple; as long as you live there, you might continue to have issues with feeling like a "replacement."  You two should have a place of your own.  I know it might not be a possibility, especially if it’s a home he owns, since selling a house and buying another is not an easy thing to do right now…but I just thought I should put that out there.

Post # 16
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I hope this will help give a different perspective. My fiance died 10 years ago. He was my life, ‘the one’, my everything and the MEMORY of that and him will never die.

But 8 years ago I met a wonderful man, now my wonderful fiance and we are due to get married in 2 months. I hope he never doubts that I love him, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t, I suspect it’s easier for guys! But what I wanted to say was i that if my late fiance came back from the dead there would be no contest. The experience of him dying changed me, meeting my new man and sharing new experiences and perspectives has changed me, and so have the years that have gone by and so if my late fiance walked back into my life we wouldn’t be a good match anymore and I know I wouldn’t want to be with him. We would probably be good friends though. 

So feel encouraged that you’re the one, she was once a part of his life maybe even a big part of his life but she isn’t now and you have a wonderful future to look forward to.

It’s good that you think she was a great person, and if you could think of her as a great friend of your fiances and like you said she sounds like she could have been a good friend of yours.

The reason I chose to marry my fiance was not because I couldn’t have my late fiance and he certainly isn’t a replacement, they’re nothing like each other and that’s what a love.

Enjoy your new start together and BE YOURSELF,, that’s what he wants, that’s what he chose!

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