(Closed) Jealous of his mom/someone else, and how do you deal with it?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Ugh, this is a tough one. My Fiance and his sister are really close, too, although she is a few years younger than him. When Fiance proposed, her response when we told her was less than enthusiastic. My Fiance noticed it too, but when I tried to have a conversation with him about it, he freaked out. Eventually I had to come to the conclusion that it was between me and my Future Sister-In-Law. We (FSIL and I) had a talk and now everything is great.

I’ve always found that writing things down helps me in arguments/serious discussions. In the heat of the moment you forget what you really want to say and end up with an argument that’s all over the place. How about you write down some of your concerns and then bring them up to your Fiance. Or you could write him an email (he can click out of it, but he can’t interrupt it). Explain that you’d like to be the number one woman in his life from now on. You’d like to be the one he goes to for advice. You’d like to make decisions just the TWO of you. All of your points are incredibly valid (I wouldn’t want my Future Sister-In-Law doing my taxes either). If you present them in a clear way, I think you’ll have a good chance at getting on the same page. 

I know this must be really stressful for you. When the stuff was going on with my Future Sister-In-Law it made me sick. Good luck, I know you you resolve this 🙂

Post # 4
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I can see how this is upsetting, particularly since you have already explained our position to him?  How well do you get along with the sister?   Is this by any chance something you could talk to her about???  Not a "Step back he’s my man now," kind of way.  But maybe somehow get her as an ally.  Like when he calls her to get her opinion on what you should name your first child, she can gently remind him he needs to make that decision with you? I suppose it depends on how close you are..

Also, where are you and Fiance living?  I get the impression you are living with his parents.  I would think once you get your own place, his contact with his sister is cure to diminish.  He could alwys call her.  But his sister stopping off at home (parent’s home) twice a week is different than stopping over your new place twice a week.

Good luck working things out.  It’s good that you’re dealing with this before the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I feel my brother’s girlfriend could be writing this about me, so I’ll give you the sister’s perspective 🙂

  My brother and I are very close, we have the same personalities, think the same way, and genuinely get along- and while I realize his flaws, I think the world of him.  I’ve noticed when I hang out with him and his girlfriend (they’ve been together four years) she’s sometimes a little cold towards me, and I see a little jealousy.  I love her as a sister, and I like to think that we get along very well even though we’re polar opposites and have very little in common. 

    A few weeks ago my sister informed me of an argument my brother had with his girlfriend.  Basically she was telling him everything that was wrong with my sister and I- the only reason my sister told me about this was because he stood up for me, and not her.  I see why his girlfriend thinks the things that she does, but she needs to realize he loves her in a way he’s never loved me, and he would never put me above her.

     In your particular situation, you have two choices.  1. Rise above it, and starting getting close with your soon to be SIL (this would included having a heart to heart with your fiance.  You need to tell him what hurts your feelings) or 2. Let it eat at you and hurt your relationship.  

Post # 7
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am not jealous of people in his life, but rather of his hobby or anything else that might occupy his time. He finally came to the conclusion (we reading books for our Pre-marital counseling) last night that I should never have to complete for attention in his life.

AMEN!

I’ve been trying to tell him this for a year.

 I can only hope that you’ll be able to express to him how you love him and your family. That you feel like his sister is the woman he’d defend first and you want to feel like it would be you. Someday she’ll have a husband and he’ll not like feeling that your Fiance, her brother has more status in her life than he does.

 I’d say clearly this is an issues you need to address.

Careful to explain withouth being too upset.

And tell him how you feel, " I feel upset when….."

avoid all "you spend more time with your sister than you do me…"

 

Good Luck.

Post # 8
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My parents always told me that at some point, your spouse becomes a higher rein on the family totem pole than the "rest" of your family.

It took awhile for my Fiance to reach this point so that I could see it and it happened while he was gone. Or rather, it took awhile for me to see this.

Don’t get me wrong, family is important, but this is the man you’ll be raising your family with, and you have to KNOW how important you are and where you stand, that he isn’t taking you for granted that you’ll *always* be there.

I would be irritated if i were you, too. Try to get closer with the sister. Maybe he feels like there is a "divide" so he has to like, split his time between you guys. 

Post # 9
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I got engaged to my high school boyfriend when I was 19. We had been together for almost 4 years at that point. I still lived with my parents but had pulled away from them completely to be a part of his family… They were alot like you describe your fiance and his sister.. except it was the WHOLE family. He was very much a mama/family boy and although he was 21, he let them make all his decisions for him. He wasn’t allowed to be alone with me, he wasn’t allowed to stay out with me past 11 etc. After awhile (and me GROWING UP) I realized that this wasn’t right… we were engaged and planning a wedding and he had these restrictions! I  tried talking to him over and over about it.. but got no where.. he honeslty saw no fault in his family and even though he thought some of the things they did and said were wrong.. he would NEVER had stood up to them. At one point, my parents told him " now you realize that when you get married, your spouse becomes a part of you.. the number one thing in your life and you put everything else second"… his response "no one will ever come before my family, not even a wife".

I knew then and there i couldn’t do it. I knew I would go even further down the crazy trail if I stuck with this… so I had to break things off and leave him. Now that I look back, he is 27 and married to a 19 year old and they are living in his parents house… yep that woulda been me.

I’m not saying that this is exactly like your situation.. but if your fiance doesn’t see your point of view.. if he refuses to look at the whole picture or place his wife above all others.. you will need to learn to live with it.. or do something about it.

Post # 10
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You and your Fiance have to learn to be a team, and while that doesn’t mean that other people in your lives are necessarily excluded, there are certain things that need to be done or decided between the two of you.  What those things are depends on your particular relationship, but you do need to work them out.

My SIL and my husband are not close – really, just the opposite.  He doesn’t even like her much.  That doesn’t stop her from being as involved in his life as she can be – telling him what to buy for their parents for birthdays and Christmas, planning vacations he should take with her, and particularly trying to get him to pay for a lot of stuff that is just not his responsibility (for instance, HER hotel room on said vacations).  This problem has been going on for years, and was a huge point of contention in his first marriage.  I knew this, so we had the whole discussion before we got married about what was and was not acceptable with regards to his sister.  I think our case was similar to yours, because frankly only part of the problem was his sister’s behavior – the rest was his inability to tell his sister where to get off.  And things don’t always go smoothly where his sister is concerned, but we do pretty well, having agreed that every decision gets made between the two of us first, and that family is then informed of that decision.  So when his sister calls and starts talking about the fabulous ski vacation we should all take, he has now learned to say "Wow, that sounds great, but you know we have some other things planned, so I’ll have to get back to you after I talk to Suzanno."  Or when she calls to tell him that we are "all" getting his mom a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday, he says "You know, I’m sure she will love that.  But I think that we may already have decided on a present for her.  I’ll get back to you."  We’ve been married for ten months, and it’s working really well – it infuriates her so much that she actually doesn’t bother to try to control his life nearly so much.

The trick is, of course, getting him to do it.  If your Fiance honestly thinks that his relationship with his sister shouldn’t have to change at all when he marries you, you’re not going to be able to do much about this.  You need to just have a very honest discussion with him about what you see as your place in his life, and the way you deserve to be treated, and how you see that changing the relationship he has with his family.  If he just can’t make those changes, or won’t make those changes, you either need to accept the situation as it is, or find a man who will put you first in his life.  That’s a hard decision.  But I see it this way – my husband has had a hard time changing his family dynamic, but it never occurred to him not to try.  And that’s because he loves me – and doesn’t like to see me unhappy – and would do anything within reason to make my life better.  You say that you have made a lot of compromises for the love of your Fiance, and I guess now is when you see how many compromises he is willing to make for you.  If he’s not actually willing to compromise, then I think that you probably deserve someone to whom your happiness is a little more important.

Post # 12
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think once you get your own place things will be better. My Fi does things with his friends that he doesn’t do with me, like play video games, even though I like a good game of Mario Cart once in awhile, too. 

Definitely move out asap!!! =]

Post # 13
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think when you’re young and you’re entering into a marriage, it is a little bit harder for one person or the other to mentally adjust their way of thinking in terms of family.  My husband and I are young and before we actually got married, I think it was difficult for him to accept the implications of marriage.  His immediate family is very tight knit and always has been.  They were outcast by the rest of their family, so their parents encouraged them to be close and appreciate each other because their family is all they had.  By no means is that a bad thing to teach your children.  I think it’s a wonderful thing.  It did, I think, make it harder for my husband to accept that this new person in his life would suddenly become his #1, his world, above all else.  The funny thing is, once we were married, it was like a light bulb went on.  He acts now as if there is no question in his mind who comes first.  It’s all about the wife now, lol.  I love his family dearly, they are wonderful people.  I do admit there is a tinge of jealousy when he interacts with his younger sister.  Of his siblings, she is the one he is closest to, and yes…he thinks very highly of her.  So, as "the" woman in his life, yeah, I felt a little weird about that.  One of my problems is that I couldn’t relate.  I just don’t have that kind of relationship with my siblings.  I love them, but beyond that, I don’t have any kind of crazy close bond with them.  As for his sister, if we lived closer to his family, it might be an issue, but we don’t.

Not everyone is raised with the idea that your spouse becomes your priority.  I’m not sure at what point in my own life it was instilled in me.  I guess I saw it in my own parents.  For me, it’s just something I understood.  I think when you’re young it’s hard to see the big picture, and what the end result of any given action will be.  Remind him that by proposing marriage to you, he is asking to start a family with you.  He has asked you to be the future mother of his children, to raise a family with you.  It’s not that where he came from is being forgotten, it’s that he’s starting the next chapter in his life and becoming an adult. 

I think it would be in your best interest to become friends with your Future Sister-In-Law, regardless of how much or little you have in common.  She’s obviously very important to your fiance, and for that reason alone I think building a friendly rapport with her is crucial.  Who knows?  You may become close enough that eventually she’ll start calling asking to talk to you, not him, lol.  I think you will feel a lot more at ease if that was the case.  It seems you’ve expressed some disinterest in becoming friends with her, and I have a feeling it could be due to this jealousy issue.  Trust me, I get it, I totally understand.  But in this instance, I would keep those feelings as far away from her as humanly possible.  If you’re going to talk to your fiance about it, I would also ensure that he understands those conversations are meant to stay between the two of you only, that you are confiding your feelings in him.  Because honestly, the problem is not the sister’s.  It’s your fiance that needs to set up some boundaries and prioritize.  The sister can’t be too blame for how your fiance acts.  Just try not to take it out on her.  In the end you’ll feel a lot better (and avoid a lot of drama) if you become friends with her.  Good luck!! 

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