Post # 1
I want to start by saying I’ve been burned in the past. If you look at a past post you feel find that my wife left me for a colleague. It started as innocent messaging but then escualted. It’s making me cautious.
I live in beautiful Oz but I’m not from here. I moved here with said wife to start a new life together. She was here for a grand total of 3 months before saying she wants to return to the uk to be with said colleague. Anyway, that’s just some background.
I’m British and recently started dating an American girl who also lives in Australia. I’m so into her. However…she’s friends with a guy back in the states who I’ve never met. I know that over Christmas he flew to Australia to spend Christmas with her…even though he’s married. I find it odd he would rather spend Christmas with his friend than his wife. Her family really like him and one of her friends let slip that her dad for a while was always telling her that it’s such a shame that he’s married and they couldn’t just get together.
Anyway, last night he messaged her this ‘(insert his wife’s name here) is spending time with her mum. I think the end is near. Everything a bit solemn here’. So my girlfriend said to me ‘oh no! they’re breaking up. I’m going to call him’. She almost seemed excited. Maybe because now he would be single? So she ran to take the call in the bedroom of her house whilst I was in the living room watching tele. Why did she need to take this call in private? I heard a lot of laughing. She was taking to him for over 45 minutes! When she came back she said ‘read the message completely wrong. Her mum is sick with cancer and that’s why the end is near’. I then said to her ‘so why all the laughing?’ She asked what I meant and I said ‘if her mum is dying, it’s a bit insensitive to be joking and laughing’….she then said ‘because then we started talking about other stuff and I remembered a funny story. I asked why she needed to have that conversation in private and she responded ‘because you were watching tele. I’m not going to sit here and chat whilst you are watching tv’.
What do you think? After my ex i don’t know what to think. I do feel there might be something there between them, whether they’ve admitted it to themselves is another thing.
Post # 2
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I do find it odd that someone would choose to spend the holidays with a friend over their wife. On the flipside, a lot of Americans don’t get much leave and maybe he’s always wanted to go to Australia and his work closed over the holidays (not uncommon in the US) so he had an opportunity to either save his leave or stack it on top of the closure days?
I don’t think it’s weird she went to the other room to talk to him. I would do the same no matter how inane the convo. I buy her story that she just didn’t want to bug you.
Sorry Bee, I think this could go either way. I don’t see any obvious boundaries crossed, but maybe it’s worth bringing up how you feel? Her answer may clarify things one way or the other.
Post # 3
I don’t think anything you’ve described here is abnormal behaviour from your girlfriend. But I do wonder if her friend has feelings for her, if he’d rather spend Christmas with her than his own wife.
Post # 4
I’d be weary of the friend. It’s very strange for someone to see another woman over Christmas.
Post # 5
Could be something, could be nothing.
Spending holidays with a friend instead of wife or family is a bit odd, but maybe wife had to work through the holidays and the friend had time off so it made sense or they are just not into Christmas or she wanted to be with her mum in private.
Talking in private is completely normal. I avoid talking on the phone in front of other people. I feel self conscious otherwise. This includes friends, family and booking dentist appointment.Also if my friend thought I was getting a divorce, I would appreciate our phone convo being in private. As for the laughing…auee laughing about Mother-In-Law dying is dark, but the situation itself was funny so I can see the chuckle. Also 45min convo is not long.
I do feel that your past experience is heightening your cheating sesnses and makes me think that you wanted to read that she was happy he would get a divorce? Based in this information, nothing can’t really be determined. Could it be that they have feelings, sure. Could it be that this is just their friendship, sure.
Post # 6
Eh, that’d cross lines for me, too, because you have never met him. He sounds like he’s definitely emotionally cheating on his wife by prioritizing time with another woman during holidays. That’s fucking weird. But your girlfriend is a toss-up . . . I don’t know.
As someone who also doesn’t trust easily, nor do I want/need to be more openly inviting, I don’t know if this would work for what I need from a person whom I bother to love and put first. Especially being long-distance like that, I wouldn’t feel confident and secure in a relationship like that. Trust and communication are everything.
Post # 7
I would feel rude if I took a call while someone was watching TV. If I was watching TV and someone took a call and didn’t leave the room, that would irritate me. I have a male best friend who lives in another state and I have left the room my fiance was in when we’ve spoken on the phone. For no other reason than, when I’m on the phone I don’t want to talk in front of other people. It’s not because I’m keeping secrets or anything silly like that but when you want to have a chat it’s the polite thing to do imo.
As far as everything else is concerned, there was a miscommunication so as far as you’re aware there’s no problems in his marriage? So I’m not sure he’d be carrying on an afair with a woman in another country. I understand how it feels to have been cheated on and it is hard to trust but unless your current gf has given you a reason to not trust her, I think it’s unfair to hold the actions of your wife against her. Ultimately your jealousy might end up pushing her away.
Post # 8
honestly that would raise some yellow flags for me but I would want to get to the root of it and not make assumptions. They could be genuinely really good friends of the opposite sex, it does in fact happen and it’s often strictly platanic. My first yellow flag would certainly be that he spent christmas with her instead of his wife. That is hugely strange to me.
What I would do is talk to your gf about it. Hey this is what happened to me sorry if I seem a little jealous I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. Let her know you want to check in with her to find out what you’re feeling. Once you talk to her and if you like what you hear then you’re in the clear. If she dodges questions or shys away from things…will be worth investigating further. Never accuse or assume. That is THE worst most insecure thing to do. If you come from a place of genuine concern and honesty not jealous craziness, she will understand and want to comfort you as long as you are being reasonable. And if she has nothing to hide, of course she will want to clear the air with you.
Her parents saying ‘shame you’re married’ was really insensitive to you. My fiances friends parents/friends have said stupid shit within ear shot of me that really pissed me the f off. And I brought it to his attention, after I explained it to him he was like ‘I never knew they said that to you, I can see why that would make you uncomfortable’. Example: one of his really close friends who happens to be a girl (and he hooked up with) someone made a comment about her not attending an event and said, ‘oh shes his favorite’. That made me SO uncomfortable. So, long story short, that was insensitive on their parts. I would share that with her too. Like, ‘that made me uncomfortable!’. LOL
Post # 9
I would share with her how you feel, ask her how she feels about this friendship, let her know what you want and see how she responds. See if she’s willing to put you before this friend. I mean it also depends on how new your relationship is, but it’s worth trying.
Post # 10
I feel like you just need to talk to her.
Personally, my best friend is a guy and so this doesn’t raise any sort of red flags for me. Seems pretty normal actually. A lot of people are side-eyeing the Christmas away from his wife thing but I don’t see it as a huge deal. Maybe he had time off of work and his wife didn’t. Christmas is very important to some people. Others…not so much. I love Christmas and now that we have a child I wouldn’t miss Christmas with my family for anything. But before he was born if I had the opportunity to vacation in a foreign country instead, I’d have to say I’d probably do go too. And my husband would no doubt encourage me if he knew it was something I was interested in doing.
I totally understand that you’ve been burned in the past. That sucks. But you also can’t hold your ex-wife’s mistakes against your current partnet. Open and honest communication is always best.
Post # 11
The main part of that that sounds strange to me is him spending Christmas with her when he has a wife.. Mind you that’s mainly only strange on HIS part than on hers. My best friend is a guy and that wouldn’t have been odd when we were single or dating, but now that I’m married it would be weird to choose to spend Christmas with him over my husband (Unless there was some reason it was the only time of year he could travel?)
The phonecall doesn’t seem that suspicious, I hate talking on the phone to anyone in a room with people & the TV on.
That said, you do need to pay attention to your gut feeling on this. There are signals you can only sense and witness, not describe. Don’t jump to conclusions based on fear, but if you continue to feel this way you need to talk to her about it at the very least.
Post # 12
I feel like I could be in your girlfriend’s shoes. I have a couple of close guy friends and DH’s ex-wife cheated on him (he ended their marriage upon getting proof of the affair). He has gotten a little paranoid, IMO, from time to time about my friendships with people who might be attracted to me. We handle it by keeping the lines of communication open – I know he’s worried that he will be deceived like in his first marriage, and I’m sensitive to that. But he understands that I’m not changing my longstanding relationships just because of his past relationship.
Talk it out with your gf. Remember that she’s not your ex – she deserves not to be compared to your ex or have to fight the bad memories of her.
Post # 13
As a woman who has a couple of close guy friends, I wanted to offer my perspective. Let me first say that sometimes someone who has a friend of the opposite sex, and who sees them simply as a friend, is completely unaware of how the friendship and the behaviour may look to a significant other. I’ve had to sometimes consciously ask myself how I would feel about my friendships with my guy friends if I were in my boyfriend’s shoes. All this is to say that sometimes your girlfriend’s behaviour might make you uncomfortable – but it doesn’t mean that she is doing it intentionally or is even aware of how it comes across.
If she is not even aware that her behaviour might be making you feel uncomfortable and she sees this guy just as her friend and nothing more, I don’t see anything out of the ordinary with her phone call. Are she and this guy close friends? If so, it would be perfectly understandable for him to lean on her during a tough time. My guy friends and I do this for each other.
However, him spending Christmas with her rather than his wife is odd. Do you happen to know whether he is in a happy marriage? If so, I think you have less to worry about. Also, your girlfriend’s father’s comments about the two of them getting together are meaningless. My mother has said things like this about my guy friends, and she doesn’t really know what she’s talking about. Her comments certainly don’t influence my feelings one way or the other.
I think what you need to wrap your head around is that this has much less to do with the guy she is friends with than it does with your relationship with your girlfriend. Why are you in a relationship which is triggering your cheating fears and pressing your buttons? Have you and your girlfriend communicated about boundaries? Because it doesn’t sound like you are on the same page. If she is consistently behaving in a way that is making you feel anxious and uncomfortable, then this may not be the right relationship for you. There are plenty of other women out there.
Post # 14
Idk about your gf but something is definitely up with this guy. Idk of anyone with a happy, loving marriage, who leaves their spouse over Christmas to spend time with someone else. Even if your gf isn’t up to something, the friend is.
Post # 15
This has been playing on my mind all evening, I know I shouldn’t have but as my girlfriend had a nap on the sofa whilst watching tele I took her phone to have a look.
It looks like they message one another about 3 times a month, sometimes one of them will message the other a ‘hey. How you doing?’ And the other will reply a couple of days later saying ‘sorry. Been busy….etc’. There was nothing odd about their conversations until I scrolled back about a year ago….
He had messaged my girlfriend saying ‘me and (insert wife’s name here) are thinking of ways to spice up our relationship. We don’t want things to get boring and want to keep it exciting. We’ve spoken about having a threesome’ at this point my heart sank because I thought he was going to ask my girlfriend!! But he said ‘she really wants a threesome with another guy. She will wants to try and see what sex is like with a big penis. Not that I think I’m small, but I’m worried that she’ll want this other guy more than me. I don’t know. I’ve said we can try it’….at which my girlfriend responsed ‘are you sure this is what you want? If you’re spicing things yo you need to both want it’ etc etc.
Then there’s another message from him saying ‘(insert wife’s name here) is away for a few months for work in Germany. She’s messaged me saying a guy is hitting it on with her and basically was asking for my permission to persue things with him to make things exciting between us. I said ok and we kind of planned it together but then the night she planned to persue things I had to leave the house to stop my mind thinking about it. She then called me in tears saying he rejected her and it was weird as I had to be there for my wife after another man rejected her…’
then the last message I’m not happy with is one about me. About a month ago she discovered I had watched porn. She asked me a lot about it and seemed curious but never said she was against it. She had messaged her friend saying ‘I have found porn on his laptop. Is this normal? Does he not find me attractive?’ The reply was ‘completely normal. Means nothing. I watch porn and it means nothing at all. You’re all cool
so they don’t seem to chat that much. But it’s more the content of their chats I don’t like….I don’t know