(Closed) jealous of my long distant bfs friends

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Well first off, if you two are planning on being a long term couple, you need to develop some trust for your man.  You may not trust the girls, but you said you trust him. Sure they could cry for a hug, but they won’t get anything more out of him that way.  You cannot ask him to dump his friends for you – that’s not a good start to a relationship I’m afraid.

Post # 5
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@shywolflover: Wow that’s exciting!! Does that mean you’re planning a big move now?

Post # 8
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would strongly advise NOT moving in with him until you have actually spent some time together. I know you two have been talking for awhile and you are probably excited about the thought of moving in, but I think it is really important for you to spend some time together first – moving in with someone you haven’t actually met seems like a recipe for disaster – what if you don’t connect in person the same way you did on the computer? What if the chemistry is not there? What if one of you just kinda annoys the other once you can actually see eachother on a regular basis?

This is worst case scenario here, but what if he turns out to not even be who he says he is? Scary, but it can happen in relationships that go on for this long but are strictly online, because you feel like you know the person so well despite having never met face to face. I also think it’s kinda scary that you’ve fought with and lost family over someone you have never met. If they’re suspicious, I’d say they have good reason to be – 19 is awfully young to tie yourself down to someone you never see who you don’t even know what he is like in person, and the fact that you’re delaying life plans like school for someone you don’t really know is very worriesome.  I know you want to think it couldn’t happen, but it has happened to many women who thought they were in love and had really connected with a guy and knew him so well. Google ‘my online boyfriend wasn’t real’…the number of stories is quite large.

As far as the jealousy thing goes…he hasn’t given you a reason to be jealous so I would say that is your issue, not his. I know it must be frusturating that his friends get to see him all the time and you never do, but you can’t let insecurity take over just because some of his friends are female. 

Post # 13
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Never said there was an age limit, 19 is certainly not too young to be in love – but it is old enough to use some common sense and internet safety and put off making any final judgements on whether you have a future together until you have actually met this guy. I’m sorry your mom has said such hurtful things, but as for the family members who are saying the same things I am, they are saying those things out of concern for your well-being, not to hurt you. You never know if once you meet in person you will feel the same way about him that you do about your exes – I know that probably sounds impossible to you, but you really don’t know what actually being with him is going to be like until you experience it.

Of course it’s nice to be wanted, no one wants a bf who doesn’t want them – but it’s also nice to have a bf that you know you are compatible with in person (because hanging out together and being together every day is a LOT different from talking on the phone most days). And if this doesn’t work out I promise there are other guys out here you’ll be able to connect with in person who will want you. I’m not saying that it won’t work out, it would be great if you two get to meet and everything goes good and you eventually live together, but I just think that it’s pretty much impossible to know whether or not that will happen when you only talk online and on the phone. One of you really needs to go visit the other if you’re serious about eachother.

Is it possible that his friends think that it is strange he is in a serious relationship with someone he has never met, and that is why he doesn’t contact you when he is with them? Because he either doesn’t want to tell them about you or knows that they disapprove?

Post # 14
Member
3990 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I agree with everything @courtney1188 has said.  If you’re 19, you’re an adult.  You can make rational and informed decisions.  At least meet this guy before your feelings go any further.

Post # 16
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

I’ll start off by saying that I’m 20, so not much older than you, but my SO and I will be celebrating our 4th anniversary in a couple months so we have been together significantly longer than you and your boyfriend.

There really is nothing any of us can tell you to make you stop being jealous and to trust that the situation won’t go into inappropriate territories with his friends.  I know you say you trust him and don’t trust them, but this statement doesn’t show that.  If you truly trusted him 100%, you wouldn’t have this worry because you would know that NOTHING would happen, no matter how much they wanted it to, because he wouldn’t let it.  Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship, along with communication, and both are even more important when you’re in a long distance relationship because you need to rely on them more and on other things less (ex. intimacy).

You have also stated that you get angry at him if he doesn’t tell you what he did when he hung out with his friends when you talk later in the day.  I know that you don’t mean it this way, but this seems a bit controlling.  He should be allowed to have relationships with people nearby and not have to give you a play-by-play of his day every time he hangs out with them.  Just as it would seem controlling or nosy if he made you tell him everything you did that day, this doesn’t seem healthy.  Again, it comes to trust but also to privacy.

The other thing I have noted is that you say you Skype, call, and/or text “all day” and get mad at him when he won’t talk to you when he’s at his friends.  This is mindboggling to me.  You BOTH need to have your own friends, hobbies, and interests that are separate from the other person.  I know it isn’t fun when you don’t get to talk all the time (SO is about to finish a placement and go into a job as a paramedic, which means shiftwork, so some days we have limited communication).  However, this is OKAY and perfectly healthy.  It is a sad part of a long distance relationship, but the more quickly you adjust to spending stretches of time not communicating with him the easier it will be.  (This also comes in handy if something comes up, like working in an area without cell service or one partner going on a trip where they won’t be available to communicate much.)  What I suggest is finding something to do that you really enjoy to pass the time in addition to finding a job and/or going to school to keep you busy.  I promise, the busier you are the easier it is to spend long stretches of time apart.

I am not saying that you and your boyfriend don’t love each other, but these are just some things I’ve noticed.  I would also recommend slowing down… there is no need to plan on moving in just yet!  Yes, I know it isn’t what you want to hear, but it is the truth.  Even though you talk to him online all the time, that isn’t the same as actually being with him.  Many times, you feel more or less chemistry with a person you’re talking to online than you do in real life.  You can not truly know whether a person is a good match for you until you have spent a significant period of time together, in person, doing things.  Long distance can sometimes be stressful, but it is a different kind of stress than, say, getting stuck in traffic or financial issues and the way a person deals with the two can be quite different.

I truly do wish you and your boyfriend the best.  However, I think you definitely need to sort through a few things before you get ready to move in together, and certainly before you get engaged.  I know that waiting isn’t fun (SO & I have been together since the spring of 2008 and I’m not expecting a proposal before our 5th anniversary, and we may be together 6 or 7 *years* before getting married), but for youngin’s like us, it is often the best course of action.

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