(Closed) Jealous of sister in law (to be)’s 3 year proposal

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I can understand your feelings.  At least you recognize them as being jealous and can make sure you dont act on them.

AFter you eloped did you ever have a blessing of the vows ceremony and party to celebrate? If not why dont you plan something? It doesnt have to be big at all, but it can give you that special day you are missing.

Post # 4
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Not everyone’s proposal is picture perfect, believe me. Check out my profile, my dad proposed, not Darling Husband. Jeez. Talk about unromantic!!!

I agree with lefeymw, why not plan a little reception, etc or a vow renewal ceremony and celebrate? I’m sure your friends and family would be thrilled to get to celebrate with you!

Post # 5
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have to agree with both of the PP—my proposal happened on a Friday night with Fiance still in his underwear because he had just rolled out of bed. If your profile is right, it’s only been a month since you got married. I would plan something, even if it is a small dinner at a restaurant or even a combo holiday party/reception so you get to have your special day.

Post # 6
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way, but I do understand. Maybe my “proposal” story will make you realise that not everyone gets that picture perfect, romantic moment.

A few months ago my boy told me that maybe we should get engaged while we were visiting friends in the US (we’re from Australia) so that his best friend could be there for the proposal because “he’d get a kick out of that”. My Aunt is a diamond broker in NYC, so he said I should go and get a ring while we were there.

I did go to NYC myself while my boy was visiting friends elsewhere in the US and I found myself a gorgeous ring and had it sent to his friend’s house in California (to avoid NY sales tax). When I got there he’d shown them all the ring etc.

That afternoon he had his 3 year old god daughter give me the ring and say “will you marry MrLilianHarlow”? That was my proposal. Not a word from my boy. Of course I said yes and was happy to see my ring again. But I wanted HIM to say something… so I asked him “so what does this mean baby”??? Hoping he’d say it meant we were engaged or it meant that he was asking me to marry him. His response? Looking at his best friend and laughing – “This means I’m F&^%ED!!!”

Not what I’d hoped for. And it was all for the benefit of his mate. I barely even got a kiss. In fact on the day we officially got engaged he never even told me that he loved me, much less make any romantic declarations. He spent the night making jokes about how freaked out he was to be engaged and how getting married would be his worst nightmare. Of course, I know it’s not how he feels.

But I do feel sad about how it all happened. I feel sad that it was 100% all done for his friend’s benefit and he didn’t care about thinking what I may have liked or what would have been special to me. I feel sad that it was so unromantic and that he didn’t even have anything nice to say.

BUT we are engaged and we’re very happy and the days since that day have been glorious. So I try not to get too wrapped up in the thoughts about the proposal.

I hope your marriage and life together with your boy make up for the nonchalant proposal too *HUGS*

I totally agree with the other posters too that you should still organise a celebration of your marriage! After all, I know MANY friends who’ve done things like destination weddings or semi-elopements who’ve been married in the registry office or just the two of them somewhere… then they come home later and have a MASSIVE party with their friends and family. In fact, most of the weddings I’ve been to in recent years have been done that way. 2 of the most recent weddings I went to were parties for people who’d already been legally married months prior ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s never too late to celebrate something so specia – ESPECIALLY if at the time of your marriage you were not well etc. As soon as you’re feeling up to it, a celebration would be wonderful!

It doesn’t have to be expensive… it can just be something special for you and your husband and those near and dear to you. It can be whatever you want it to be. Perhaps you could even exchange personal vows with one another to share that with your guests… and it would be a nice opportunity to get some sweet words of love and commitment from your husband that you feel you may have missed out on.

Post # 7
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

i agree with the others, that you should still plan a wedding. if finances are an issue right now and you feel like it still wont be enough. then my suggestion is to wait like 5 years and do a fresh, new, vow renewal.  those can be pretty much like weddings where you get a white dress and everything.  then you would not be doing as an afterthought or while you are feeling jealous. it would be the right time when you can do all you want and say, this is how we did it.  

Post # 8
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Aww… honey! I am so sorry to hear that you are not happy about your lacklustre proposal. I hope mine helps you feel better:

My Fiance decided to keep it a secret from me. He had ample opportunity to pop the question all year long, yet he waited for the most inopportune moment ever! My first cousin was set to get married and he proposed to me a week before her wedding. I didn’t want to share the news of this engagement even though ALL of our family was over for the cousin’s wedding. I didn’t want to take away her spotlight or seem like a b*tch craving attention.

So I had take the ring off right after he put it on in order to hide my engagement from everyone. (Our parents knew of course.) It was so DIFFICULT not being able to wear my ring!

To top it off, he got a size too big. He knows my size! Yet he decided to get one bigger ‘just in case’. WTF!?! So even after my cousin’s wedding was done, I couldn’t put the ring on because it was at the shop to be resized! So we got it resized to a smaller size so when it came back, it STILL did not fit well for some reason. The fitting was totally off. Back it went to the jeweler!

So still hadn’t told ANYONE about my engagement. I didn’t want to tell people who might ask where is the ring that Fiance got the wrong size ring “just because”.

It was finally back. I put it on. He IMMEDIATELY changes our title on facebook. (I wasn’t by the computer watching him…) and all our relatives find out like that. They were kind of upset that my parents or I did not want to share it with them first over the phone, etc.

I had shared it though in secret with an aunt of mine (my mother’s SILly SIL) who is always annoyed at our family in general for no probable cause. So I figured she would be excited to have been the bearer of the news before EVERYONE. Turns out she spread all kinds of shit about me for being ‘secretly’ engaged cuz something’s wrong and what not. So when everyone found out abt the engagement once and for all, more than half the relatives were just upset or offended.

I just stopped sharing my wedding news with anyone. The questions, though few and far between, are responded by me in vague terms. I am also upset that my own family members can be a-holes enough to badmouth me over my engagement, rather than congratulate.

Romantic? I THINK NOT! I still reserve resentment about it….

Here is some bee love *hugs!!!*

Post # 9
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I can relate! I moved in with my now Fiance because I was pregnant. We dated almost 6 years before getting engaged. We talked the engagement thing through so it was not a suprise and he, like you, propsed right before bed. He wasn’t even going to say, “will you marry me” but I told him he needed to say it. He wasn’t on his knee, he was laying on the bed next to me, watching tv. I have a younger sister who has a serious boyfriend and I know when the time comes, he will have orchestrated something wonderful, special and romatic for her. I know I am going to struggle with some jealousy when that time comes. Sorry you are feeling so down. I still resent that my Fiance couldn’t have been excited enough about taking this step to make it at least a little bit special. I like everyone’s ideas about planning a wedding or reception anyway. You more than deserve it! Sometimes, we just have to create our own romance! LOL!

Post # 10
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I didn’t get a proposal either. Basically we were laying in bed and the topic of getting married came up, Fiance said something like “maybe we should get married” and I was like ok thinking he was just talking. Well, he wasn’t he started talking about a date and all that jazz which was how I knew he was serious. So there you have it we were engaged and I didn’t even know at first plus I didn’t get a ring. Not that I cared about a ring or anything but I was hoping for something more romanic. I think he sensed my disappointment so I think he is now trying to playing a proper engagement over a year later…LOL.

Don’t get to down on yourself. Like everyone said maybe plan a little shingding to celebrate. You can even do the DIY stuff like invitations, centerpieces, and all that jazz it should be fun. I hope you feel better about all of this. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 11
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I didn’t get a knee proposal either!  I actually knew he was going to propose about a week in advance.  I saw the box the ring came in in the mail.  The night before our anniversary he told me how nervous he was about proposing.  When the moment came, we were cuddling on a bench when he gave me the box.

But I love our proposal, because it was us.  If he’d gotten down on one knee, it wouldn’t have been him, it would have seemed fake.  We are us, and I love him for who he is!  You have to remember that your relationship is not about proposals, weddings, or rings, it’s about the love you have for each other and about being who you are–not somebody else!

Post # 12
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

no proposals are like the movies, not matter how romantic. Fiance had planned a really really romantic day that would have been just like the movies had i not known the whole time he was going to propose (thanks to my snooping around) so see, i ruined it for myself, but i am just thankful that wanted to spend his life with me no matter how it could have gone down.

But i know the feeling you are having, my Future Sister-In-Law was married in august, and just announced she is pregnant…while i have no intentions of having kids right after we marry i still felt a pang of jealousy, something i quickly got over.

Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I am feeling the same way too, and my Brother-In-Law is propsoing to his gf tonight! I feel like ours was rushed, and Darling Husband didn’t put too much thought into it. He did it while we went hiking, gave me the ring, didn’t say too mcuh, and then took it right back from my finger, saying we cant say anything yet until our engagement ceremony which was already planned ๐Ÿ™ Brother-In-Law is doing it so romantically, asked her dad for her hand which my Darling Husband didnt do, and told all his friends and his family. For me I walked into his house awkwardly and they all smiled and said congrats. I kinda feel sad today. I know it can’t be re-done, and hubby says if he could redo it he would, but I dont feel appreciated . Just taken advantage of. Oh well. There’s a reason I guess. I hope I can get over it ๐Ÿ™

 

Post # 14
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m going to tell you something that will probably make you feel really bad.

My Fiance and I discussed marriage and decided to become quielty engaged at 5 months and officially engaged at 8 months into our relationship.  We will be married at 19 months in. (ages 28 and 30)

How long we are together has no affect on you, your relationship, or any of that.  His sister met her husband her sophmore year of highschool and they married after her senior year of college.  They were together for 7 years at that point.  (ages 23 and 21)

My older brother met my SIL in highscool and they had a somewhat tremulus relationship for many years 7+. They married the year after college (ages 25 and 23)

My younger brother dated and they were basically official and decided marriage was for them before anything.  They were engaged 4 months after our family met her in the girlfriend sense and married a year later. (both 24)

 

Every one of our relationships are just as valid and all have made it through the first year of marriage, my brother and SIL through nearly 4 at this point.

How long one together is NO indicator of sucess.

You did what is right for you.  Your man did something to save your life.  Can your Future Sister-In-Law say that?

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