Post # 1
I know I will probably get roasted for admitting this but just thought I would let it out here since it’s not something I could ever share with anyone I know in person. I am not pregnant yet but Darling Husband and I have started discussing planning for kids and I have to admit that in the back of my mind I really wish I could have the option of staying home with the kids at least for the first one or two years of their lives. Darling Husband is a great man with a good career and a degree more advanced than mine. He is also a very calm and balanced person which makes him such a great counterbalance to myself, someone much more neurotic with a brain that overthinks just about everything. But with these charactaristics I am also a more driven person and good in my career (a career that pays very well but that I don’t really love), and despite DH’s good career I am still a top earner in the family by a fairly good amount. Between that and the bills, mortgage, etc we both know that even if living on a single income is possible it would have to be on mine.
I don’t want anyone to think I resent my husband for earning less as that is not the case but if I laid my hand on my heart and spoke the total truth, I have to say that I am jelous to see many if not most of my friends who didn’t have to think twice about becoming stay at home moms knowing that their husbands made enough income to comfortably support their families indefinitely. Several of my friends even have nannies despite being stay at home moms (which that I do think is excessive but non-the-less a nice luxury to be able to choose). I am not really seeking advice here just wonder if anyone else can empathise and make me feel less like a horrible person for even having this in the back of my mind :).
This topic was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by bzbride2277.
Post # 2
bzbride2277: I don’t think anyone will roast you for having those thoughts. My mom friends are pretty evenly split between working moms and SAH moms, and what you have to remember is that each group isn’t a monolithic being that is all the same. What I mean is that some of my Stay-At-Home Mom friends are super happy to be doing what they do, and others are home not by choice and are a little envious of some of the working moms.
I also have a couple of friends who are SAH and have nannies or their (only) children are in preschool 2-3 days a week. I am certainly envious of their time, if nothing else.
You won’t know how you feel about working vs SAH until you actually have a kiddo. I have LOTS of friends who are way more happy working than they would be at home, and vice versa. For me–I’m pretty evenly split, I feel like I’d be pretty happy either way, and since I work in education, I do get 3 months a year where I get to SAH so I get a little of both worlds.
My husband and I don’t outsource anything–we do our own cleaning and cooking and we have to pack food/snacks/drinks for LOs daycare. BUT—a lot of people in dual income families outsource either the cleaning, or yardwork, or laundry, or cooking–or something! Maybe you two could do that when you have kids, to lessen your load?
Post # 3
I can identify with your feelings somewhat….when my Darling Husband and I first started dating I told him I didn’t want to have kids if I had to work full time. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant and planning on going back to work part time when the baby is about 6 months. I could stay home for longer but it would drain our savings account because Darling Husband makes just under what our monthly bills total and I don’t want to do that. So I’m compromising and going to work part time. But I am jealous of those who do not have to make that decision or chose to work because they want to, not because they have to. Its easy to become jealous of what others have…I try to focus on all the positives in our life to keep those pesky thoughts at bay!
Post # 4
bzbride2277: I feel the same way. Baby will be due in Jan and were already talking about what were going to do. FOr us, staying home and raising my kid seems like the better idea. But we dont know if we are going to be able to do this. My Mother-In-Law and SIL both stayed/stay home with their kids/kid.
Really it depends where we are come this winter. Hopefully we will be able to fulfill this wish but we dont know yet.
So yes, I know how you feel.
Post # 5
BookGirrl: I think you make some really good points. And I agree that I won’t know for sure untill the kid gets here. Knowing how I am with my pets I am afraid I would only become more worried about leaving my kids once they are here :). Unfortunately with both of our demanding careers we already have to outsouce many things like house cleaning and almost all weeknights the dinner comes in form of takeout even though I love to cook, just based on how late we get home. But I agree that there may be a point at which I may wish to be working rather than staying home too.
Post # 6
Aussies: Best of luck. I know many benefits to the parents staying at home so it’s a very tough thing when you just don’t have that option no matter how much you want to.
Post # 7
I would give anything to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. My husband and I make pretty equal salaries and we can’t afford to lose half of our income, so I’ll be going back to work after 12 weeks 🙁 Luckily my company is pretty understanding and flexible which makes it a bit easier. Just letting you know you are definitely not alone in feeling that way!
Post # 8
I feel you. I’m back at work now, but I’m trying to convince my husband that we don’t need my income to survive for a couple years. I think I will at least go down to half-time for the year that my employer (very generously) allows.
Post # 9
I hear ya! I would just love to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. We probably could swing it but it would definitely make things tight. I think another poster was saying that you won’t know how you feel exactly till you actually have kids, but at the same time, it’s hard to know if you want to be back at work after until you do it. A friend of mine was wrestling about whether to go back or not, but decided to go back and give it a try. It’s not as if she has to. I don’t love my job but I am surprisingly ok with being back. My daughter has a blast at her day care, and she is well taken care of and loved by the staff and we couldn’t be happier. She gets to have fun with toys and kids, play in a great space inside and out and we get to make more money to provide her with everything she needs. 🙂
Post # 10
Sometimes I’m jealous, sometimes I’m not! Sometimes I’d love to just take my Dear Daughter to the zoo or hang out with her all day. Other days I am so happy I get to come to work and drink hot coffee and have a relaxing lunch. I will tell you one thing- my Dear Daughter is way more work than my real work. It’s just much more exhausting running after a whiny, clingy toddler all day. It grates on your nerves after awhile and you are dying for naptime. But I miss her while I’m gone. haha.
Post # 11
I can empathize.
For us, as contract workers, our income potential really didn’t come into play; it’s all about overall quality of life. We found that he’s not as good of a house husband as I am as a house wife. Case closed. Ideally, I can remain a hybrid part-time worker/SAH that both interests me and still saves him from dishpan hands. Win, win.
Post # 12
I can totally relate to this! I also make more than my husband but wish I could stay at home comfortably like many other women. I don’t want kids otherwise. And yeah, he could stay at home instead, but the fact that he doesn’t remember to feed our dog everyday and can’t cook at all worries me. I’d feel like he would maybe play video games and watch TV instead of taking care of home… haha :S
Post # 13
I guess you have to decide what is more important to you – raising your children or being successful in a job you don’t really care for. If I were in your position I would downsize on the house/mortgage, pay off bills and loans as much as you can, and then become a sahm. Just my opinion. You can then start working part time once the baby is older and maybe have a relative or friend watch the baby a few hours. I feel like there’s always a solution to a problem! If you want to be sahm you will figure out a way!
Post # 14
I am a Stay-At-Home Mom and my best friend is a worKing mom and she has expressed to me the same thoughts that you are having. Her husband is a wonderful man and an elementary teacher- so both of them have to work. Your feelings are completely reasonable!
Post # 15
I understand too.. your feelings are totally legit. I’m lucky enough that my husband earns enough for me to become a Stay-At-Home Mom for the first 3 years of our future child’s life (I’m currently 19wks pregnant and still at work for now..). We will miss the money for sure but will be able to cover our mortage and general life costs out of my husband’s salary, but we will have to cut back on luxuries and I’ll be hitting the second hand shops for clothes. If we find we cant manage I will go back to work sooner. Is there no way you can save up and work out a way to stay at home part of the time? Could you work 3 days a week for example?