(Closed) Jealous/Insecure/Controlling Bug Got My Fiance By The…!!!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

“I realize it may not be possible for him to change, but is there anything else I can do to help him give me some freedom?”

Yes, leave him. NONE of the behaviour you mentioned is acceptable behaviour in a relationship. I’m glad you realize this and postponed your engagement but I think you really need to take it to the next step and break it off.

Post # 4
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ohhhh boy. This is all to familiar to me.

Trouble is, there is nothing you can do. It is all stemming from his own insecurity. If he constantly feels like he “might not be good enough” or that you might realise that th random guy you pass on the street (who you know/care nothing about) is “better than him,” then…yikes…this just never ends up going well.

You are going to be smothered by him and not allowed to exercise your (very legitimate!) right to independence every once in a while, which is NOT conducive to a respectful, trusting, adult relationship.

I could have written this exact post about an ex. Let me just say there is a reason he is an ex…and I’m so much happier I didn’t stick around.

However! Sometimes, if the guy is made up of the right constitution, you MAY be able to have a talk with him explaining that his behaviour is NOT okay, and that you will not tolerate it or stick around if it continues, ESPECIALLY since you have not done anything to warrant such observation and “supervision,” and if he is a reasonable, understanding, rational person, he will agree that he is crossing the line and maybe he will make the conscious decision to change and give you space. (Wow, sorry for the long sentence! Hope you were able to follow..)

Good luck, girlie, but if he can’t let you be the independent person you deserve to be, then this will not be a happy relationship for you.

Post # 5
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@boombacha- just saw your edit. Having children makes things more complicated for sure, but this is not a dynamic you want your son to grow up thinking is “normal”…

Have you had a talk with him about this? What was his reaction? Bringing it up to him is the first step.

Post # 6
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so sorry. He’s not going to change and this is a giant red flag in a relationship. This kind of behavior often goes hand in hand with abuse (emotional and physical).

He is isolating you and breaking you down to control you. Insecurity or not, it is NOT ok!

Post # 7
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

@boombacha: Your edit doesn’t changealter my opinion in the least. In fact it makes me feel even stronger about telling you to get out. Take your son and run. No matter how much you want him to change, he’s not going to.

Post # 8
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My ex was like that, we were dating in high school and when I went to university it meant me moving a few hours away and only seeing him one day a week – he made me phone him EVERY night at the same time and made me leave my friends to talk to him alone (I as staying in mixed sex student halls), any time I was out with my new friends he texted me, and if I didn’t reply within five minutes he would resend the same message over and over again. I’ve never been a ‘partier’ and I have never cheated or been out flirting with other guys but he hated me making new friends away from him. When it got to the point that he wouldn’t even let me talk about university or show him photos I knew it was too much. Without him I had four amazing years at university and in my third year met my amazing OH, but that was just my situation.

Talk to him about it, and at the end of the day make sure you do what makes YOU happy 🙂

Post # 10
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

If he loves you, he will be willing to listen to what concerns you about the relationship and be willing to change out of love.  

Post # 11
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I am sure you have talked to him about this but what does he say? Have you suggested talking to someone who could help him get over his insecurities? And if nothing else has worked/will work give him an ultimatum. Give you some space or you are out of there…

Post # 12
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sound like emotional abuse. Unless he wants to change, he wont. At some point in the future you will do something to hurt him (might be something silly, but it will hurt him nonetheless) and it will ‘prove’ to him what he always thought. You have to realize that nothing you do will get him over this.

The conversation should be, “You have a problem with insecurity. Nothing that I do or not do will ever make you *feel* secure. I can not live like this any more. You need to get help, or I will have to leave- not because you aren’t good enough (becuase you are), but because you don’t *feel* good enough and it’s impacting how I have to live my life”

EDIT-based on your edit. If he wants to change, then he needs to do some work. Read some books, go to therapy. He needs outside help with this and you should not be his therapist.

Post # 14
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@boombacha: If you’ve done that and he still hasn’t changed, I’d say it’s time to walk. 

Post # 15
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like he might have a mental condition and therapy and perhaps drugs might help.  Sometimes they manifst like this.

Post # 16
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2012

GET OUT NOW!

The topic ‘Jealous/Insecure/Controlling Bug Got My Fiance By The…!!!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors