(Closed) Jealous/Insecure/Controlling Bug Got My Fiance By The…!!!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m still confused here, because again, in your first post you seem very concerned about his jealousy and insecurity, and say it’s to the point that your family and friends all know about it because it’s so obvious. You also said, and I quote, “He is constantly trying to control what I say, what I do and what I think.” You then spent your next two posts discussing how our concerns are all wrong, we are confused, and he is just at a low point. Yet this isn’t a new problem. I guess I’m not really sure what you’re looking to get out of this post – you tell us about this problem, which has a lot of bees worried for you – and then basically tell us it’s not actually a problem, though clearly it is.

You ended your first post by asking what you can do to help him change, and the only thing I can think of is an ultimatum – he seeks counseling or you walk. I doubt you’d be willing to do that though, from your two follow-up posts.

Post # 78
Member
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Maybe if you read my post about this very topic, you’ll see it for what it is because it isn’t you…

Warning my ex’s new girlfriend..should I?

I’ve been in the same situation. I’d criticize him until other people joined in – and then defend his behavior. These guys NEVER change. It took me over 3 years to get out..and I’m so happy I did (I’m not going to say it was easy, he cried, begged, sent me flowers, showed up at my house, etc, etc, etc….. and somehow I found the stregnth to say “not again” since this was about the 20th time breaking up).

Move far, far away from him and his influence, you don’t want your kids to end up repeating the same behavior on another woman. It’s a horrible cycle, but ending it for the sake of your children is where the priorities need to be.

I’m not meaning to be mean or harsh, I just profoundly sympathize with your situation. I still have issues with getting angry with myself for letting him control me for so long – especially when I hear stories that sound like I could have written them.

Post # 79
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

OP, you can’t change someone. He won’t change. It will take years and years of therapy for him to change. This is nothing that you are doing- these are serious demons that he has to deal with. I think he needs to immediately enter into therapy to deal with his jealousy, insecurity and emotional fits.

You are so smart to postpone the engagement. Since there’s a child involved, I understand that you want to try to make it work, but I can’t foresee changes without professional help. Just think, what kind of example is he setting for your child?

Post # 80
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

To read your first post and then your last few posts actually creeps me out.

It’s like you wrote the first post, and then he wrote the others. Maybe he found the first post and is now monitoring your posts on here?

That’s really the only sensible conclusion I can reach here.

Post # 81
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This:

“I am not able to go anywhere alone (grocery store, sister’s house, walk, mall, etc) without him throwing a HUGE temper tantrum, waterworks and all, that leave me giving up and just staying home or bringing him with.”

is much different than this:

“I don’t ask permission to do things or talk to certain people. I pay the bills and handle the finances and one might say that I “wear the pants” in that regard. I drive everywhere and anywhere I please, but we both phone and text to keep in touch.”

Which is it? Why ask for advice and then immediately get defensive? You had to have known how people were going to respond to that first post.

I know. We don’t know you. You’re in love. We don’t understand your ~*~dynamic*~. Etc.

If your situation is more like your first post than like your follow-up comments, then DTMFA. If it’s not like the first post, then best of luck to you both.

Post # 83
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Dude. Just ugh. How are you still putting up with this? This is NOT acceptable. You just said it here, that it’s not acceptable to you…but you stay with him even though he hasn’t (and let’s be honest, WON’T) changed….so you’re basically saying “this is not accectable behavior (wink nudge)”.

You ARE an adult, you deserve your own space, a place where you are you separate from him. And a relationship without that is NOT sustainable.

I think you need to make a drastic move…and move out with your son, or tell him HE has to  move out until he can get his jealousy under control.

Post # 84
Member
15015 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@boombacha: “This is not to say he didn’t do the things I mentioned, but it simply is not an accurate or regular habit of his personality. I think by jealous, I should have said “inquisitive” and by controlling I should have said “caring”.”

Lets be real and not sugar coat it… inquisitive is being curious and eagar for knowledge, jealousy is being suspicious and untrusting and therefore having to know every little thing that is going on.  Controlling is not caring.  HUGE differences here. 
— Reading my email over my shoulder, NOT OK
— Listening to my phone conversations next to me, NOT OK

That is neither caring or simply “inquisitive”

“He is not as independent and does not require any real alone time.”

Not requiring alone time and not being able to be alone and not go insane without knowing every second of your where abouts… two totally different things again.

I hope for your sake, he really is the sugar coated version, and you are not simply blinded by being in the situation.  Best of luck to you.

Post # 86
Member
9028 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am not really sure what kind of advice you want to hear, because it seems you dont want to hear anything negative about him and yet theres nothing positive to say about him either. You know him better than we do and you think everything is fine then stay with him, but it doesnt sound fine to me

Post # 87
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I have to ask. Is all of this more about YOU than him? This could be why you come to vent about “the problem” and end up excusing it later. Maybe the guy isn’t so bad. But you’re blinded by the past and obviously a bit of an attention seeker. Anyway, I enjoy the way you tell things, however, just like a good story it’s hard for the reader to distinguish between truth and whimsy. 

Post # 88
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

So then stay with him. If you exaggerated, it seems there is so issue and he is great.  I am glad this is resolved!!

Post # 90
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Wow, this thread just keeps going and going.  At this point, all good advice and opinions have been given and obviously ignored.  OP, your last post made one thing very clear:  this is an abusive relationship.  Under no circumstances is it normal to text someone 45 times in 50 minutes because you’re “worried”.

And further proof:  You’re now blaming yourself.  It’s not you, it’s him and I hope the fact that you have kids with him doesn’t blind you to the fact that this is very likely not a healthy relationship.  Nor is it a good example for your kids, which would be the most important consideration, imo.

I sincerely hope you know what you are doing and that you are happy, but I see a lot of trouble here.  I’m sure others have suggested counseling already and I hope for your sake and you’re children’s that you give it serious consideration.

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