(Closed) Jealous/Insecure/Controlling Bug Got My Fiance By The…!!!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

~~ WARNING: Harsh words below! ~~

[This post was so egregious that I don’t know that there was a way to save it without gutting the whole thing.  We have received multiple flags on it and I have unfortunately had to make the decision to delete the whole thing.  It met criteria for deletion under personal attacks.  Thanks Mrs. DG– who really doesn’t like having to delete things!]

Post # 108
Member
6512 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Sasha2011: Are you f-ing kidding me with that?  A bold “harsh words” warning doesn’t make that personal attack anything less than a personal attack.  Your overly broad assumptions based on her marriage history and the fact of her having children from more than one father are simply awful.  And you are pretty much justifying abuse (“This allows OP to put herself in situations where she needs to be ‘monitored’ by her current bf to make sure she doesn’t screw herself up anymore.”) 

I am really sickened by your response.  I’m not sure what type of anger or projection is behind your words, but I am very unsettled that you thought that would be an okay thing to say. 

Post # 109
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@Sasha2011: R u for real with that??

I’ve been married before and have two daughters with different dads…I’m not living a life of low self esteem.

I am baffled by your response and offended..highly

Post # 110
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

You seriously need to stop making excuses for him. This is not a “flaw” he has. His behavior is NOT acceptable on ANY level, for ANY reason. This is abuse and he is sick.

Post # 111
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

That is an unhealthy relationship. I have been in one very similar to yours and that is not a way anyone should have to live. You or him. He needs to seek help maybe counseling to help figure out why he is so insecure and why he acts the way he does. You deserve to have a life too and not have to walk on egg shells to make sure you dont make him mad. You should be able to have friends and be able to go places without him calling you every 5 minutes. I know that you have a son together and it would be very difficult if the two of you split up but you also have to think about your son and what it will do to him if he sees his father behaving that way. It is really not healthy at all. I wish you the best and I hope things get better and work out for you.

Post # 114
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@PutABirdOnIt: I agree with every word.

I read the inital post and was VERY concerned about the OP. Then I came back and read the updates and am even more concerned. It’s glaringly obvious what’s going on here…..but so many Bees have given their great advice and it just falls on deaf ears ๐Ÿ™

Post # 115
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@Treasure43: Thank you for the support-sometimes I feel like the lone voice of reason in a forest of insanity. lol

OP:  I just read your response to me.  It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but I will say if you think your kids don’t pick up on tension and trouble in your relationship, you are deeper in denial than I originally thought.

 

Post # 116
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@PutABirdOnIt: No…you’re not alone in your thinking! The first post and the ones that followed seemed like they were written by two different people.

Post # 117
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@boombacha: This thread is perhaps the most amazing example of Stockholm Syndrome I have seen in “real life.” For as painful as it’s been for me to read all this, I’m very glad you posted what you posted and it hasn’t been taken down (yet). I hope all this gives you something to consider before you enter marriage with this guy and dig yourself further into despair/denial. You are a creative, free spirited and loving person. He’s clearly using that against you. You deserve far better than this guy. Your children deserve far better than this guy. I really hope you come to that realization someday. But I wish you the best with whatever path you choose.

Post # 118
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think I’ve ever commented on one of your threads, but I remember that the thread linked below really struck me when you first posted it.

Am I a MANEATER or is this what they call “Cold Feet”?!

I thought it was really sad, and in the second paragraph you state all the things you said in this post about your Fiance boyfriend. What you wrote there seems to ring true here as well, and in both cases you backpedaled once people started disagreeing with you and telling you that there doesn’t seem like much love going on.

I doubt that showing you your past posts on the topic is going to change your mind, but it’s a lot harder to backpedal and have people believe once you make it a pattern. Sure, you said this was written in the heat of the moment…but apparently so was the first post.

I guess I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but I hope it sheds some much needed light on where your relationship stands.

Post # 120
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@boombacha: I think what most Bees are saying is that you started out with a post full of big red flags…regardless of if they’re exaggerations or not. Each post gets more and more positive and backtracks more and more of what you originally said.

You said: I am odd, sure, for goin on a power trip about my boyfriend behaving in a caring and inquisitive way.

Yet at the beginning of this thread you said : I am not able to go anywhere alone (grocery store, sister’s house, walk, mall, etc) without him throwing a HUGE temper tantrum, waterworks and all, that leave me giving up and just staying home or bringing him with. I cannot have a conversation with someone, be it telephone, internet or in person without his “supervising”. He literally hovers over my shoulder, head even with mine, and reads what friends say via chat, text, etc. It is beyond irritating to me.

I’m not trying to nitpick….but those two statements sound like two different people are writing them. Not allowing anyone to go anywhere alone, not trusting them around the opposite sex, watching their every move…these things are NOT caring or inquisitive. They’re abusive and controlling.

He worries that guys flirt or can’t control themselves around me so well and sometimes admits to not trusting them 100%. <—Also, this is a load of crap. What he means is he doesn’t trust you. If he trusted you, it wouldn’t matter what other men thought or said because he would know that you weren’t having any of it. DH doesn’t worry about men flirting with me or not being able to control themselves around me. Because he trusts me and knows I wouldn’t let anything like that happen. Again, I feel like this is his rationalization to do whatever he wants.

Post # 121
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

@boombacha: Honey, if there is one thing I have learned from the “emotional” board is that some women are VERY judgemental and then they turn on you real quick. Don’t take it personal.  Those who have never lived in your type of situation will NEVER understand.

I was in your situation. I was very naive and believed that all this behaviour was that he cared for me.  I can tell you that my ex-husband didn’t get any better year after year.

No one can ever tell you to leave him.  You will have to make that decision in your own time. Do people change? No, they adapt. Jealousy, insecurity, controlling, needyness is emotional abuse and can grow into physical abuse so please be careful hun.

Read this book:  The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel, it’s a good book that will give you awareness and help you to address any issues.

Good Luck! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

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