Post # 107
~~ WARNING: Harsh words below! ~~
[This post was so egregious that I don’t know that there was a way to save it without gutting the whole thing. We have received multiple flags on it and I have unfortunately had to make the decision to delete the whole thing. It met criteria for deletion under personal attacks. Thanks Mrs. DG– who really doesn’t like having to delete things!]
Post # 108
Are you f-ing kidding me with that? A bold “harsh words” warning doesn’t make that personal attack anything less than a personal attack. Your overly broad assumptions based on her marriage history and the fact of her having children from more than one father are simply awful. And you are pretty much justifying abuse (“This allows OP to put herself in situations where she needs to be ‘monitored’ by her current bf to make sure she doesn’t screw herself up anymore.”)
I am really sickened by your response. I’m not sure what type of anger or projection is behind your words, but I am very unsettled that you thought that would be an okay thing to say.
Post # 109
R u for real with that??
I’ve been married before and have two daughters with different dads…I’m not living a life of low self esteem.
I am baffled by your response and offended..highly
Post # 110
You seriously need to stop making excuses for him. This is not a “flaw” he has. His behavior is NOT acceptable on ANY level, for ANY reason. This is abuse and he is sick.
Post # 111
That is an unhealthy relationship. I have been in one very similar to yours and that is not a way anyone should have to live. You or him. He needs to seek help maybe counseling to help figure out why he is so insecure and why he acts the way he does. You deserve to have a life too and not have to walk on egg shells to make sure you dont make him mad. You should be able to have friends and be able to go places without him calling you every 5 minutes. I know that you have a son together and it would be very difficult if the two of you split up but you also have to think about your son and what it will do to him if he sees his father behaving that way. It is really not healthy at all. I wish you the best and I hope things get better and work out for you.
Post # 112
Well, aren’t you pleasant? Fortunate for me, every word in your post was completely and totally untrue. It is your “right” to assume things, but for them to be such judgemental and unwarranted pieces of filth is absolutely and totally grotesque. I am sorry for the person that you are and for the people in your life that have to endure your inhuman presence. Having the ability and desire to project such unwarranted presumptions about someone you have absolutely no knowledge of outside of this box is certainly the fuel you might use as incentive to pursue anger management.
Thanks for the feedback, but I have followed up my OP with several lengthy responses that might help you to better understand why I originally needed to vent.
Post # 113
In response to the assumption that my boyfriend has no knowledge of my busy bee status, that is actually entirely untrue. I have read my OP and all additional follow ups and responses to my honey, as I believed it would benefit him to be armed with the knowledge of my original irritations and then with the follow ups that better described the continuing healing and restructuring of my former broken heart. I was not “trash talking” or “bad mouthing” him. All of the things I said did happen, so none of this was news to my boyfriend. They didn’t happen to the dramatic, angry or controlling extent that my OP came across, but they were annoying acts on his part and his reactions should have been better controlled. As I said, my boyfriend is my best friend and I share most details of my day with him. I don’t walk around on eggshells or am worried that he will ever become angry with me for anything that I say or do. Again, I realize my OP was a bit of a generalization after a couple specific occurances that annoyed me, but he honestly doesn’t have a problem. This was something that I would have simply spouted out to a friend at work or a sister to share and close the chapter. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the harm in posting it here and now I know that my writing and choice of words tends to be more dramatic and an exaggeration or generalization of events. It’s hard for me to tell a story through words without creating a novel. Ha. Anyway, more than pumped about the surprise anniversary plans I made for this weekend and his excitement everyday, inquiring and trying to guess, is adorable. We are going out of town and all alone (no kids-squeel!!) and both of us can hardly contain our giggles! We don’t trust to leave our babies with just any sitter and my cousin is a busy, married lady. My sister just moved back into the state and is more than capable and we cannot wait for DATE NIGHTS, since we never actually dated. I had a two year old little girl and became pregnant fairly early on in our relationship, so I joke that we are going in reverse and will begin dating when our kids have moved out and we are already seasoned lovers. 🙂
Post # 114
I agree with every word.
I read the inital post and was VERY concerned about the OP. Then I came back and read the updates and am even more concerned. It’s glaringly obvious what’s going on here…..but so many Bees have given their great advice and it just falls on deaf ears 🙁
Post # 115
Thank you for the support-sometimes I feel like the lone voice of reason in a forest of insanity. lol
OP: I just read your response to me. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but I will say if you think your kids don’t pick up on tension and trouble in your relationship, you are deeper in denial than I originally thought.
Post # 116
No…you’re not alone in your thinking! The first post and the ones that followed seemed like they were written by two different people.
Post # 117
This thread is perhaps the most amazing example of Stockholm Syndrome I have seen in “real life.” For as painful as it’s been for me to read all this, I’m very glad you posted what you posted and it hasn’t been taken down (yet). I hope all this gives you something to consider before you enter marriage with this guy and dig yourself further into despair/denial. You are a creative, free spirited and loving person. He’s clearly using that against you. You deserve far better than this guy. Your children deserve far better than this guy. I really hope you come to that realization someday. But I wish you the best with whatever path you choose.
Post # 118
I don’t think I’ve ever commented on one of your threads, but I remember that the thread linked below really struck me when you first posted it.
Am I a MANEATER or is this what they call “Cold Feet”?!
I thought it was really sad, and in the second paragraph you state all the things you said in this post about your Fiance boyfriend. What you wrote there seems to ring true here as well, and in both cases you backpedaled once people started disagreeing with you and telling you that there doesn’t seem like much love going on.
I doubt that showing you your past posts on the topic is going to change your mind, but it’s a lot harder to backpedal and have people believe once you make it a pattern. Sure, you said this was written in the heat of the moment…but apparently so was the first post.
I guess I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but I hope it sheds some much needed light on where your relationship stands.
Post # 119
Given the overly dramatic responses to something that was nothing but an exaggerated vent seems “crazy” to me, but then we all have our opinions and are entitled to them. If I didn’t love him or he didn’t love me, why would I trouble myself to stand up for us? I didn’t realize so many of you enjoy playing doctor, but I’m glad I could give you a scenario worthy to practice on. Shame on me for ever opening my mouth or my head, in this case, but it has been semi-entertaining to read some of the responses and I appreciated the chance to write with passion and frenzy. Again, you do not need to reiterate that you are worried for me or my family. That is just absurd. We are alive and very well and I appreciate the sincere concern, but honestly there are no reasons for it. Like I said, I have read all of this to my boyfriend and if he was truly “mad” or “mental”, he probably would have done me in by now. I am odd, sure, for goin on a power trip about my boyfriend behaving in a caring and inquisitive way that I do not exhibit and generalizing a particular night’s behavior to lead you all to believe he is a bad guy. I honestly don’t know how many other ways to say the same things, so…let’s all agree to disagree. 🙂
Obviously, with a past post being coughed up like “evidence”, it seems very clear that I have a problem with writing in a fairly dramatic tone and if one took the time to read each word, it would be more than clear to them that I cannot possibly be literal. It is no one’s fault that they do not know me on a personal level or know my writing style, but I honestly never meant to stir up any drama. Oops. Trust me when I say I have learned from my mistake! Ha.
Post # 120
I think what most Bees are saying is that you started out with a post full of big red flags…regardless of if they’re exaggerations or not. Each post gets more and more positive and backtracks more and more of what you originally said.
You said: I am odd, sure, for goin on a power trip about my boyfriend behaving in a caring and inquisitive way.
Yet at the beginning of this thread you said : I am not able to go anywhere alone (grocery store, sister’s house, walk, mall, etc) without him throwing a HUGE temper tantrum, waterworks and all, that leave me giving up and just staying home or bringing him with. I cannot have a conversation with someone, be it telephone, internet or in person without his “supervising”. He literally hovers over my shoulder, head even with mine, and reads what friends say via chat, text, etc. It is beyond irritating to me.
I’m not trying to nitpick….but those two statements sound like two different people are writing them. Not allowing anyone to go anywhere alone, not trusting them around the opposite sex, watching their every move…these things are NOT caring or inquisitive. They’re abusive and controlling.
He worries that guys flirt or can’t control themselves around me so well and sometimes admits to not trusting them 100%. <—Also, this is a load of crap. What he means is he doesn’t trust you. If he trusted you, it wouldn’t matter what other men thought or said because he would know that you weren’t having any of it. DH doesn’t worry about men flirting with me or not being able to control themselves around me. Because he trusts me and knows I wouldn’t let anything like that happen. Again, I feel like this is his rationalization to do whatever he wants.
Post # 121
@boombacha: Honey, if there is one thing I have learned from the “emotional” board is that some women are VERY judgemental and then they turn on you real quick. Don’t take it personal. Those who have never lived in your type of situation will NEVER understand.
I was in your situation. I was very naive and believed that all this behaviour was that he cared for me. I can tell you that my ex-husband didn’t get any better year after year.
No one can ever tell you to leave him. You will have to make that decision in your own time. Do people change? No, they adapt. Jealousy, insecurity, controlling, needyness is emotional abuse and can grow into physical abuse so please be careful hun.
Read this book: The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel, it’s a good book that will give you awareness and help you to address any issues.
Good Luck! 🙂