Post # 1
hello. im in a total mess right now. i got engaged last year to a wonderful man, and our wedding is scheduled to be in less than 3 months from now – august 2013. the problem is i am a very insecure person and i get very jealous..that leads me to doing extreme stalking and lots of problems if he talks to other girls or any other similar situation. i’ve been very controlling..and i admit it..i tell him not to talk to certain girls..and i give him ‘commands’ as he says..i know this is completely wrong..but i can’t seem to stop..in the past couple of days i was asking him many questions about a certain girl who he followed on instagram.. and then he said that i should should interrogating him and that i can’t ask him any questions anymore because i’m disrespecting him.. then i threatened that if i can’t ask any questions then i will end this whole relationship because i can’t be in a marriage that just forces me to shut up..so he stopped talking to me for the last two days..and then today he sent me an email saying that he had enough of my interrogations and that he is not willing to answer any more questions..by the way we have been together for a bit over 2 years..and he said that if i wanted i can carry on with my threat (which is leaving him) or try to work things out..i didnt reply to the email..and a few hours later i tried calling him and he didnt pick up (until now)..honestly i know i am crazy..but im only doing this because i dont want to get hurt.. i have been cheated on before and this has damaged me..and thats why i cant seem to trust anyone a 100% anymore.. one more thing.. last year this same man im with now gave me his phone to charge for him..and i went through his phone..so i found stuff that he didnt tell me about before..he was talking to many girls..he wasnt cheating on me or anything but he was being extra friendly with all the girls and telling them he misses them n loves them to some of them but in a friendly manner..what made me upset was that i told him that whenever u talk to a girl let me know..and ill do the same if i talk to any guys..and i have been letting him know..but he wasnt..so when i told him i went through his messages n that i want to end things because i was very upset.. he said literally begging me not to leave him..saying they are all just friends nothing more..and i forgave him..but my heart still is damaged.. i am going crazy…and i cant forget the pain ive been through.. what do u suggest i should do… thank u..(just one more thing – we are in a long distance relationship)
Post # 3
@hopeandlove: You went through is phone and found texts from him to “lots of girls” telling them he misses them and loves them?
…that doesnt sound like a “wonderful” man to me.
Post # 4
The biggest lesson I’ve had to learn in life is you cannot stop a man from cheating. You can snoop, stalk, check every account and profile you want but if he wants to cheat, he’ll cheat!
You just have to let go and make yourself stop doing those things. He will get tired of it and he will leave or cheat. He is not your ex who cheated and being treated like a criminal when you aren’t one is a pretty crappy way to live in a relationship.
As for the texting girls thing…how long had you been dating when that happened? If he was talking to women when you two were exclusive and serious then you should have dropped his ass then. I understand having trust issues and acting crazy because of them but you have to keep yourself in check if you ever want to have a healthy, successful relationship. Really evaluate why you can’t trust him. Is it because of those texts? Because of your issues? If he is acting shady then leave but if he is a good man, you need to work on you before he leaves.
Post # 5
thanks for ur reply.. i know with all ive said he doesnt seem like a wonderful man.. but maybe because im really down now.. i just said all the negative things and forgot all abt the positive stuff, which are far too many.. his explanation to all the i miss u/love u msgs is because he never had a gf or SO before me.. he had many friends that r girls since childhood..and that theyre like his sisters.. but it really hurt seeing him say these things to other girls.. i get what u mean though.. thank u for ur message..
Post # 6
thanks for ur message.. we were exclusive when i went through his phone and that is why i was devastated.. but his explanation was that these girls have been his friends since childhood and that he loved them as his sisters.. but it really hurt me to see him saying i love u n miss u to girls other than me..however other than that, his messages were just general talk, no flirting or anything…and thats why i said maybe im over reacting and i gave him a second chance..and he was very sorry that he didnt tell me.. he just said he didnt want to upset me.. since then he has been making a huge effort to make me happy n he actually stopped calling/texting many of these girls.. but im still very insecure.. i know what u mean, that im pushing him away by doing all the stalking im doing.. but i cant control it ..and i dont know what to do to stop…..ure right..if someone wants to cheat, they will cheat, no matter what u do..
Post # 7
If they are platonic friends, and I believe men and women CAN be just friends, then you did possibly over-react. He apologized and tried to make it up to you, which is a good thing. But if that is the only thing that has ever happened with him and all of your stalking/snooping is because of how your ex treated you then you have to get a hold of yourself. I’ve been there, every bf I’ve ever had cheated on me so when I met my fiance, I automatically assumed he would too eventually.
But I told him everything that happened in my past, my fears and how I did not want to repeat the snooping behaviour I had in other relationships. Anything that ever came up that seemed slightly shady I would ask him about immediately and get it squared away ASAP. I have never been in such a mature, loving relationship with an incredibly good, faithful man like this and guess what? I don’t snoop/stalk/check up on his account like I had with my ex’s. It is a huge weight of my shoulders to truly trust a man. All that paranoid thinking is emotionally exhausting you. You can control it, you have to stop it before you give in. You can do it. And TALK TO HIM! Tell him everything you said here and let him know it’s not him but it’s a symptom of your past that you need his help getting over. If he is truly a good man, he will help you but you have to put in the effort to let go, trust and leave the past behind.
Good luck, you can conquer the green-eyed monster!
Post # 8
I have male friends that I say “I love you” and “I miss you” to all the time.
I have a good friend who was cheated on in high school and she had a hard time being in relationships after that. She would get SUPER jealous and suspicious of her current SO all the time. Her past hurt almost ruined her current relationship. I’m going to tell you what I told her (and what ultimately saved her relationship): GET THERAPY.
You are clearly projecting all your fears on to this relationship and that is only because of what some other jerk did to you. It is not reasonable to expect your boyfriend to tell you every time he speaks with someone of the opposite sex. It is not reasonable to tell him who he can and can not speak to if he hasn’t given you ACTUAL REASONS to believe he is being unfaithful. It is not reasonable (nor is it kind) to punish him for something someone else did to you.
You need to work out your issues with someone who isn’t close to you. Therapy is the best help for you. In the meantime, if you are this controlling and afraid when he hasn’t actually done anything wrong, you are not someone who should be in a relationship, much less a long distance one. You need to be able to trust him— actually trust him. Making someone report their every move to you is not trust.
Post # 9
@hopeandlove: Sweetie, you’ve got to get a grip. You’re going to get hurt if you destroy your relationship with a man you love.
By your own admission he’s never given you any reason to think he’s cheating. Even the stuff you found on his phone was innocent.
If I were you, I’d apologize to him. Tell him you know your insecurity is a problem and that its unfair to him. Tell him you don’t mean to accuse him and ask him to help you. He was not wrong to demand that you stop interrogating him. Anyone would get fed up with that after awhile.
Get some counseling. If there are things that he can do *within reason* to make you feel more secure, then ask him if he’s willing to do those things. But don’t ask him to never talk to any other women, ever and don’t freak out if he does. Do you think part of the problem is that you’re long distance? If so, then hopefully things will get better when you’re together but, this does sound out of control and like its making you miserable so please get some help to learn to overcome your anxiety.
Post # 10
Sorry this response is so long.
You sould like a really nice woman who just needs to feel that solid security with your guy. I am kind of like you. This is why I hate cell phones and social media. It’s so easy for men and women to just connect all over the place, and I think it can lead to improper behavior.
I don’t think it’s cool for your guy to talk to other women this casually. And while he isn’t breaking any laws, I would say it IS downright wrong for him to keep doing it once you’re married.
If my husband was talking to other non-relative women in an overly friendly way over text message, chat, or cell phone, first I would fry him his morning eggs, then I’d want to hit him over the head with the frying pan.
My relationship started off as an LDR as well, and that is risky because one of you will be re-arranging your whole life to live with the other, and you need to have that intact trust and secure feeling in your relationship or the move could be too much of a risk for one of you personally.
I don’t think you need “help,” I think you just need someone who gives you the sense that you are the center of his world. That is what a loving relationship comes down to.
When a man is really into you, you know it. And maybe he is, and you’re just going through a rough patch.
Post # 12
ohh wow. Im currently in a long distance relationship too. My Fiance live in Jamaica and I Canada. I can understand you being insecure because you are not always together. But my question to you is this. If he has never given you a reason to believe that hes cheating why are you acting this way?? you need to stop because i can tell you that he wont put up with it any longer. Even though you have been cheated on before that doesnt mean that your Fiance will do you the same thing as you would not have been getting married to him in the first place. Treat all of your relationships as something new but just stay on guard. Just enjoy your life with him and stop worrying about silly things thats not there. Have faith in you Fiance or your marriage wont last too long. Dont stress about things like that. He loves you and thats why hes with you. Dont command him or make him feel small. Hes allowed to have female friends out side of you, just watch the nature of those friendships. If you dont stop he will leave.
With that being said, seek Therapy to stop what your doing o you are going to loose him
Post # 13
+1. The only person my Fiance better love and miss is me.
Trust is at the core of every successful relationship, and so is communication. You’ve admitted you are insecure (to the extreme), so maybe you need some counselling for that. It doesn’t sound like you’ve come to terms with these issues. But it also doesn’t sound like your partner is respecting you. If I was uncomfortable with something, Fiance wouldn’t do it. Period.
Post # 14
I remember hearing once that if you go looking for garbage, you’ll find…garbage. Meaning that even things that are innocent (following a girl on instagram, texts with friends, etc…)will look terribly suspicious, becuase you’re looking for garbage.
I wish I could help. I was you when I was married to a cheater and I hated it.
I agree. If you are the center of his world, you will know it, and all your insecurities can be dropped. Just because you’ve been cheated on before, doesn’t mean you need to go batshit crazy on every man that comes after. You’ll know.