(Closed) Jealousy

posted 4 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4525 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@hopeandlove:  You went through is phone and found texts from him to “lots of girls” telling them he misses them and loves them? 

…that doesnt sound like a “wonderful” man to me.

Post # 4
Member
39 posts
Newbee

The biggest lesson I’ve had to learn in life is you cannot stop a man from cheating. You can snoop, stalk, check every account and profile you want but if he wants to cheat, he’ll cheat!

You just have to let go and make yourself stop doing those things. He will get tired of it and he will leave or cheat. He is not your ex who cheated and being treated like a criminal when you aren’t one is a pretty crappy way to live in a relationship.

As for the texting girls thing…how long had you been dating when that happened? If he was talking to women when you two were exclusive and serious then you should have dropped his ass then. I understand having trust issues and acting crazy because of them but you have to keep yourself in check if you ever want to have a healthy, successful relationship. Really evaluate why you can’t trust him. Is it because of those texts? Because of your issues? If he is acting shady then leave but if he is a good man, you need to work on you before he leaves.

Post # 7
Member
39 posts
Newbee

If they are platonic friends, and I believe men and women CAN be just friends, then you did possibly over-react. He apologized and tried to make it up to you, which is a good thing. But if that is the only thing that has ever happened with him and all of your stalking/snooping is because of how your ex treated you then you have to get a hold of yourself. I’ve been there, every bf I’ve ever had cheated on me so when I met my fiance, I automatically assumed he would too eventually.

But I told him everything that happened in my past, my fears and how I did not want to repeat the snooping behaviour I had in other relationships. Anything that ever came up that seemed slightly shady I would ask him about immediately and get it squared away ASAP. I have never been in such a mature, loving relationship with an incredibly good, faithful man like this and guess what? I don’t snoop/stalk/check up on his account like I had with my ex’s. It is a huge weight of my shoulders to truly trust a man. All that paranoid thinking is emotionally exhausting you. You can control it, you have to stop it before you give in. You can do it. And TALK TO HIM! Tell him everything you said here and let him know it’s not him but it’s a symptom of your past that you need his help getting over. If he is truly a good man, he will help you but you have to put in the effort to let go, trust and leave the past behind.

Good luck, you can conquer the green-eyed monster!

Post # 8
Member
7272 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@hopeandlove:  I have male friends that I say “I love you” and “I miss you” to all the time. 

I have a good friend who was cheated on in high school and she had a hard time being in relationships after that. She would get SUPER jealous and suspicious of her current SO all the time. Her past hurt almost ruined her current relationship. I’m going to tell you what I told her (and what ultimately saved her relationship): GET THERAPY. 

You are clearly projecting all your fears on to this relationship and that is only because of what some other jerk did to you. It is not reasonable to expect your boyfriend to tell you every time he speaks with someone of the opposite sex. It is not reasonable to tell him who he can and can not speak to if he hasn’t given you ACTUAL REASONS to believe he is being unfaithful. It is not reasonable (nor is it kind) to punish him for something someone else did to you.

You need to work out your issues with someone who isn’t close to you. Therapy is the best help for you. In the meantime, if you are this controlling and afraid when he hasn’t actually done anything wrong, you are not someone who should be in a relationship, much less a long distance one. You need to be able to trust him— actually trust him. Making someone report their every move to you is not trust. 

Post # 9
Member
2609 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@hopeandlove:  Sweetie, you’ve got to get a grip.  You’re going to get hurt if you destroy your relationship with a man you love.

By your own admission he’s never given you any reason to think he’s cheating.  Even the stuff you found on his phone was innocent. 

If I were you, I’d apologize to him.  Tell him you know your insecurity is a problem and that its unfair to him.  Tell him you don’t mean to accuse him and ask him to help you.  He was not wrong to demand that you stop interrogating him.  Anyone would get fed up with that after awhile. 

Get some counseling.  If there are things that he can do *within reason* to make you feel more secure, then ask him if he’s willing to do those things.  But don’t ask him to never talk to any other women, ever and don’t freak out if he does.  Do you think part of the problem is that you’re long distance?  If so, then hopefully things will get better when you’re together but, this does sound out of control and like its making you miserable so please get some help to learn to overcome your anxiety.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@hopeandlove: 

 

Sorry this response is so long.

 

You sould like a really nice woman who just needs to feel that solid security with your guy. I am kind of like you. This is why I hate cell phones and social media. It’s so easy for men and women to just connect all over the place, and I think it can lead to improper behavior.

 

I don’t think it’s cool for your guy to talk to other women this casually. And while he isn’t breaking any laws, I would say it IS downright wrong for him to keep doing it once you’re married.

 

If my husband was talking to other non-relative women in an overly friendly way over text message, chat, or cell phone, first I would fry him his morning eggs, then I’d want to hit him over the head with the frying pan.

 

My relationship started off as an LDR as well, and that is risky because one of you will be re-arranging your whole life to live with the other, and you need to have that intact trust and secure feeling in your relationship or the move could be too much of a risk for one of you personally.

 

I don’t think you need “help,” I think you just need someone who gives you the sense that you are the center of his world. That is what a loving relationship comes down to.

 

When a man is really into you, you know it. And maybe he is, and you’re just going through a rough patch.

 

Post # 11
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ed

Post # 12
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

ohh wow.  Im currently in a long distance relationship too.  My FI live in Jamaica and I Canada.   I can understand you being insecure because you are not always together. But my question to you is this.  If he has never given you a reason to believe that hes cheating why are you acting this way?? you need to stop because i can tell you that he wont put up with it any longer.  Even though you have been cheated on before that doesnt mean that your FI will do you the same thing as you would not have been getting married to him in the first place. Treat all of your relationships as something new but just stay on guard. Just enjoy your life with him and stop worrying about silly things thats not there.  Have faith in you FI or your marriage wont last too long. Dont stress about things like that.  He loves you and thats why hes with you.  Dont command him or make him feel small.  Hes allowed to have female friends out side of you, just watch the nature of those friendships.  If you dont stop he will leave.

With that being said, seek Therapy to stop what your doing o you are going to loose him  

Post # 13
Member
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@badabing88:  +1. The only person my FI better love and miss is me.

Trust is at the core of every successful relationship, and so is communication. You’ve admitted you are insecure (to the extreme), so maybe you need some counselling for that. It doesn’t sound like you’ve come to terms with these issues. But it also doesn’t sound like your partner is respecting you. If I was uncomfortable with something, FI wouldn’t do it. Period.

Post # 14
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

I remember hearing once that if you go looking for garbage, you’ll find…garbage. Meaning that even things that are innocent (following a girl on instagram, texts with friends, etc…)will look terribly suspicious, becuase you’re looking for garbage.

I wish I could help. I was you when I was married to a cheater and I hated it.

@Bunny_the_Bride:  I agree. If you are the center of his world, you will know it, and all your insecurities can be dropped. Just because you’ve been cheated on before, doesn’t mean you need to go batshit crazy on every man that comes after. You’ll know.

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